The Permanent One
by Clarry
Summary: James Diamond and Logan Mitchell have been crushing on each other for ten years, but they have yet to exchange a single word.  What happens when the line is finally crossed?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

XXXXXXXXXX

Their eyes meet no less than thirty times a day. Sometimes Logan catches him staring, other times he catches Logan. At first they were simply curious looks, like trying to figure out something you don't understand. Eventually they became shy glances as one kept catching the other and both looked away, cheeks flaming. Now there's full-on staring involved, and Logan is finding it harder and harder to look away from that beautiful face every day.

It's one thing to be curious when you're five and running races on the playground (James always beat everyone else and Logan never understood why, at least not until he learned about kinetics and the advantage of having longer legs), another when you get every answer right on every test while the other always seems to do poorly. Logan remembers the day they almost spoke, the day they were paired up on a project in fifth grade but just as Logan approached James' desk and opened his mouth (shaking with nerves), an announcement came over the loudspeaker calling James to the office. Logan was paired with someone else and James disappeared for two weeks.

James had a lot of friends; Logan had few. James was always surrounded by girls; Logan broke out in hives when one smiled at him. James was a natural in everything athletic; Logan sometimes tripped over his own feet. Logan won every spelling bee and academic competition he entered; James couldn't figure out the difference between "their" and "there" and "they're" or why the world didn't just pass some law stating all words that sound alike have to look alike. Logan provided medical assistance to the kid who cut his leg open in P.E.; James fainted at the sight of so much blood. Logan made their teachers beam with pride while James caused them to shake their heads in exasperation.

It was only natural for them to baffle each other, to study each other in an attempt to figure the other out. Maybe that was why James never seemed to miss a competition Logan entered, why Logan never missed a home game James played. They never spoke but were always aware of the other's presence, encouraging each other just by being there. Logan will never forget the night James made the winning shot in their school's basketball championship, how he whooped and hugged his teammates but then turned to look right at Logan, who was cheering like a proud father. It's the only smile they've ever shared, and that night Logan fell asleep with visions of that radiant grin shining on him.

In junior high puberty hit James and his glances were more self-conscious, usually ending in him blushing as Logan caught him staring. That in itself confused Logan, at least until freshman year when his own hormones kicked in and he couldn't look away without blushing as well. Now, sophomore year, the glances have become stares that are lasting longer and longer before one of them looks away.

Ten years of silence and Logan was beginning to wonder if it would always be like this between them, if they would make it all the way through senior year without exchanging a single word. He has this fantasy of James walking up to him on graduation day and without a word, sweeping him into a deep kiss before stepping back and saying, "Hi. I'm James." It's silly, of course they know each others' names, but it's somehow romantic and sweet and hot all at the same time, and who cares if James seems to be hot and heavy with that blonde? It's just a daydream and in his fantasy world, James only has eyes for Logan.

Logan is shaken out of his thoughts by the approach of the city bus they now take to school and his stomach erupts with butterflies. Every day is the same-every day James sits at the back of the bus while Logan sits halfway toward the front, facing sideways. Every day they catch each others' eyes, never smiling but lately holding that gaze just a little longer before turning away.

Logan runs his bus pass through the slot, greeting the driver before his eyes search out that beautiful face, and there it is with the anticipation Logan was so hoping to see.

Yesterday James smiled at him. Logan was too flustered to smile back, but that seemed to make James smile even wider so that wasn't so bad. He spent the entire bus ride trying to think of something to say, anything to say, but nothing came to him so instead they settled for staring openly for a change, rather than trying to be sneaky about it. When they arrived at his stop Logan again grasped for something to say but his brain simply wouldn't cooperate. He stepped to the back door and was waiting for it to open, defeated, when James' voice called to him.

"See ya tomorrow, Logan."

As far as first words go, they were nothing spectacular, but the promise they held meant everything. Logan turned back to smile at James, who was smirking at him, before answering. "Later, James."

XXXX

Today James is sitting not at the very back but in a two-seater section. It takes all the courage he can muster, but Logan passes his normal seat and keeps walking, James scooting over as he approaches.

_I'm gonna sit next to him. He saved me a seat. Breathe, Logan. Breathe._

Logan slides in and James shifts to give him more room. They arrange their backpacks on their laps as the bus moves forward, neither looking at each other just yet.

"Morning," James says a block later, finally looking at Logan.

"Hi." _Hi? That's all you can come up with?_ It doesn't help that James is wearing some sort of aftershave that's designed to overpower any female within fifty feet. What does it say about Logan that it's making him heady as well?

The awkward silence continues and Logan knows this was a bad idea. They have absolutely nothing in common, of course there's nothing to talk about.

"Awesome job on that science project last week. I switched hairspray and found that the environmentally-correct one you suggested works even better. You wouldn't know it because it looks messy, but every hair on my head is in place today, and it's gonna stay that way."

There's way too much in that statement to react to. Logan fights hard not to flail, focusing instead on James' hair. Bad idea, because he's wanted to touch that hair for as long as he can remember. "It doesn't look messy. It looks...soft," he finishes lamely.

"I work hard for that. Really, touch it."

Logan swallows hard and lifts his hand slowly. James leans his head closer. It is indeed stiffer than it looks, but when Logan slides his fingers in against James' temple he feels the softer hair underneath.

James closes his eyes for a moment. "Careful, don't mess it up," he says softly.

Logan jerks his hand back. "Sorry."

"It's cool, but um...see what I mean? Every hair in place but it looks messy. Your hairspray is amazing."

"It's not my hairspray, I was just testing different brands and the effects of their fluorocarbons on the atmosphere." Logan doesn't mention that he purposely chose hair products to study in an attempt to get James' attention in class. Apparently it worked.

"Well, either way. Thanks. Now I look good and I'm saving the Earth."

"Yep. One pump at a time."

James laughs. "So you do have a sense of humor."

Logan shrugs. "Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm not funny sometimes, too."

"And just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I can't be smart sometimes, too."

"I've seen you play. It takes brains to play as well as you do, make snap decisions in a fast-moving game like basketball. Or hockey, which you kick ass at, too." It's not like James doesn't know he attends the games, just hopefully doesn't know it's only to cheer on James that he goes.

James beams. "Thank you, Logan! I wish my parents understood that. Dad just wants me to win. Mom's a little better about it, but still treats me like a moron a lot of the time. I know I'm not a genius or anything, but I do have a brain."

_And __beautiful eyes. God, you have such beautiful eyes. _James moves to stand and Logan realizes they're at the school. The moment is over. He grabs his bag and walks to the door, James at his heels.

"Hey uh...you coming to the game tonight?"

Logan glances back and smiles. "Wouldn't miss it."

If James grinned at him like that every day, Logan would die a happy man.

"James, finally! We barely have time to hang before class!"

They step off the bus, James addressing the gorgeous blonde waiting for him. "I can't control the bus, Nikki."

"Come on!" She grabs his hand and pulls him away toward their group of friends. Logan turns in the opposite direction and heads for the library to get a little more studying in for the math test later. It's really too bad they don't have all their classes together. Logan would jump at the chance to help James with his homework. He looks back once before entering the building.

James is standing amid his little clique of beautiful people, arms around Nikki's waist as she leans back against him. His chin is resting on her head as she prattles on, but his eyes are right where Logan hoped they would be-on him.

Logan smiles at James, who smiles back. He can't wait for the ride home.

XXXXX

The day passes like always, the only difference being that now there are smiles thrown in with the stares. In the classes they share James stays on his side of the room, Logan on the other, but when James answers a question correctly Logan discreetly gives him a thumbs-up, causing James to beam for the rest of the period. In the cafeteria they share glances again, even a few smiles, but nothing more. James is surrounded by his clique as always, Logan at a table with others but not anyone he could call a friend.

Logan is disappointed when James doesn't show on the bus home, and it's a while before he remembers that on game days James has to stay after. He's more bummed out than he would've expected to be, and it shows him just how much he'd been looking forward to talking to James again. At least it's a home game tonight, so he knows he'll see James there, even though they won't talk.

He sits halfway up the bleachers, preferring to blend in as always, but those hazel eyes pick him out the second he takes a seat. James smiles up at him from the court as the team does their warm-up and Logan's heart flutters like mad. He watches Nikki, a cheerleader of course, call out to James and wave but James doesn't look away from Logan, and Logan really really likes that. He gives James a thumbs-up for good luck and the grin he's rewarded with leaves Logan blushing because damn, James is gorgeous. Even when his hair gets messed up from sweating as he runs up and down the court (and yes, even with helmet hair when he plays hockey), he is beautiful. Logan understands the basics of both sports and has played basketball enough in P.E. to know that James is good, probably the best on the team. It's no wonder he's so popular.

It's another one of those nights when James is the star, coming from out of nowhere to steal the game from the opposing team at the last possible second. He dunks the shot and spins with his arms pumping the sky, sharing the moment with Logan before his teammates tackle him with excitement. The cheerleaders rush onto the court as well and James is swarmed by everyone, but he keeps searching out Logan as if it's Logan he wants to congratulate him, Logan he wants to attack him with a hug.

It's not going to happen, they haven't made it to that level of friendship yet, but it makes Logan happy enough just knowing that James wants to get there, too.

XXXX

James scoots over the second Logan steps on the bus the next morning. "Hey!"

"Morning. You were amazing last night!" Logan slides into the next seat and settles in, turning to look at James, who blushes.

"It was pretty cool, I didn't think we were gonna take it. That Knight kid kept blocking me, he's really good."

"Yeah, I noticed. He was all over you."

"Right? I couldn't even get close to the net most of the time. But I got lucky on that last shot, he was covering my buddy Dave and I snuck right by him. Saw my chance and I went for it."

"Told you you were smart."

More blushing.

"What? You are! I was watching you, I saw that brain working."

"Coach was really proud of me. It's weird, my dad always gets on me to win, but he never goes to the games. I mean, how much does he really care?"

"What about your mom?"

"She works all the time. Owns a cosmetics company."

Logan smirks. This really doesn't surprise him. "So nobody comes to the games to watch you play?"

James shrugs, following it with a soft smile for Logan. "I guess _somebody_ does."

Logan's face gets hot when he realizes James is talking about him. He stares past James and out the window.

"And it's uh...pretty cool. That he does."

Again Logan doesn't answer, swallowing nervously.

The bus comes to a stop and James moves to stand; Logan does the same, hating that the ride is already over. It seems like he just sat down! "See you after school?" he asks.

"Not today. I have detention."

"What? Dude, what did you do?"

"Nothing, I just need some extra help. I guess it's not really detention, it just feels like it. Meeting with my math teacher for an hour after school."

"Oh. Math is my specialty, you know."

James grins at him. "Yeah. I know. Somebody goes to watch _you_ compete, too."

The bus door opens and James steps past him. It takes a second for Logan to move because he's standing frozen, embarrassed but pleased at the same time.

"James, you'll never guess who Marie is going out with!"

"Hello to you too, Nikki. How come you never greet me? Like say 'good morning' or 'hi'?"

"Oh, whatever. But guess!"

Logan walks past them toward the library, not catching the rest of it, but he feels James' eyes on him as he goes. It makes him nervous about his walk, wondering what he must look like from behind. He stands straighter and holds his head up, looking back once before stepping into the building, and there's that smile again, just for him.

Yeah, he just might hang out for an hour in the library after school, take a later bus.

XXXX

It seems to be in vain; James doesn't show for the later bus. Logan considers waiting for the next one, but he really needs to get home and get started on his essay for English. With a sigh he gets on the bus and finds an empty seat. He also really needs to stop thinking about James like this.

There's a banging on the door as it closes and Logan looks up, heart in his throat. James hurries onto the bus, thanking the driver profusely. _I can stop thinking about him later._

He moves his backpack off the seat and James stops halfway down the aisle, surprised into a smile upon seeing him there. "Hey."

"Hey. Long day?"

"You have no idea." James falls into the vacated seat. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Had some stuff to do in the library."

"Riiiight. Not complaining, though."

_Change the subject, Logan. You're getting pretty pathetic, he can see right through you._ "So um...how did the math session go?"

"I don't know. I mean, she explains it and it sounds like nonsense. I get the basics, I know how to add and subtract and multiply and stuff, but this algebra stuff is hard. What are you in, quantum physics or something?"

"Ha, no. Just pre-calculus. You'll probably like geometry better. Most people who have trouble with algebra do better in geometry."

"How about you?"

"I excel at both. But I'm a special case."

"Yeah, a genius. So what are you gonna do in college?"

"I want to be a doctor."

"Really? I remember when you helped that kid in P.E. You'll be a good doctor."

"How about you?"

"Me? I'm gonna be a star."

"Really? I would've thought you'd go into sports."

"Nah, I like playing but it's not like...what I love most. I love to sing."

"How come you haven't gone out for the musicals?"

"Because my dad thinks I should be an athlete and my mom thinks I should take over her company."

"A cosmetics company?"

James shrugs. "I could do it. I know enough, or at least I will when she brings me into it and shows me the ropes. She's decided that's where I belong."

"And dad wants you in sports."

"Yeah."

"But you just want to sing."

"I just want to be famous. Model, singer, actor...whatever. But I love to sing."

"Are you any good?"

Another shrug, this one shy. "How would I really know? I think I am. I want to join choir but there's no room in my schedule for it, not with the sports."

_You should sing for me sometime._ But he doesn't say it out loud, knowing that might sound a bit...well. And damn, how can they be here already? "My stop."

"Yeah." James stands up so Logan can move out. "Have a great night. Same time tomorrow?"

"You got detention again?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. See you in the morning. You have a good night, too."

"Thanks. I will."

One more smile passes between them and Logan steps off the bus. _I really need to not be so obvious. He totally knows I'm crushing on him. And why am I crushing on him? None of this makes sense, we hardly know each other._

But one thing Logan's mom has always told him is that love doesn't make sense, and that when he finally finds it, he'll understand that which can't be understood. That entire phrase itself didn't make sense to him, but his mom has never been wrong, so he knows he's in for something crazy with James.

Not that James would love him. Or that he'd love James. It's just a crush. One-sided, at that.

Still, he can't stop smiling as he walks the two blocks home. James confuses him, but he rather likes it.

XXXX


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys.

XXX

The first thing Logan notices the next morning is that James looks different, though Logan couldn't say why. He studies James as he takes his seat.

"Morning."

"Hey." James sounds dejected.

"You look different."

"Oh God, is it that obvious?" James' eyes widen and his hands immediately go to his hair before he whips out a compact and looks at himself in the mirror.

"You carry a mirror?"

"Duh. Damn, it _is_ totally obvious. What am I gonna do?"

"What is it that's different? I can't figure it out."

"My hair! Mom caught me using your hairspray and threw it away. Only Brooke Diamond stuff allowed in the house."

"Brooke Diamond?"

"Yeah, that's my mom. Her company. I'm not allowed to use anything else, and I switched to your hairspray and she caught me and I almost got grounded over it. God, look at me! It looks so stiff, I never noticed before how bad it was. Now I know how much better it can be and I can't go to school like this!"

"Dude, calm down. It's no big deal."

"Yes, it is! I have to see people, okay? People have to see _me_. Everyone's gonna laugh."

"Nobody's even gonna notice."

"_You_ noticed."

Oh. Well. James has a point there.

"You don't have any of your stuff, do you?"

"No, I don't carry it with me. I don't even use hairspray most of the time, just when I can't get my hair to lay down right."

"Yeah, we should talk about your hair. But not right now, this is an emergency. I can't let people see me like this."

"You know what? Hang on." Logan opens up his backpack and digs, coming out with his beanie hat that he wears when it gets too cold.

James snatches it up immediately. "Perfect!" He shoves it down over his head. "You don't mind? I'll give it back after school."

"Keep it. I have more." And while Logan thinks James looked better with the "bad" hairspray than the beanie, he's not going to say anything to make James take it off.

"Really? Dude, you're the best. Thank you. I hate wearing hats but this is a code red."

"No problem." Logan can't stop smiling. Why can't he stop smiling? Maybe it's because James Diamond is wearing a piece of his clothing.

"So...staying after in the library today?"

"Yes."

"Cool. See you after school, then."

They stand and exit the bus, Logan answering just before they step off. "I'll be here." _I'm so desperate, listen to me!_

"What is that? Yuck. Bad hair day?"

"I'm great, Nikki, thanks for asking! And yes. Bad hair day."

Logan chuckles and walks away. They share that last smile before parting ways and Logan's already wishing it was four o'clock.

XXXXX

"Hey."

"Hey, thought you were gonna miss the bus this time."

"I know! I kept telling the teacher I had to go but she wanted to talk about...polynomials, I think it was? Whatever that is."

"James, you're not going to improve if you don't even care."

"I care, I just...well, okay, maybe I don't care that much. But I have to pass or I'm suspended from the team."

Logan sits up straight. "What? Is that imminent?"

"Is it...what now?"

"Sorry, are you in danger of that right now? Getting suspended?"

"Yeah. Coach talked to me the other day, told me if I don't pass math and English I could be out for the rest of the season."

"When? I mean, how long do you have?"

"A few weeks, because midterms are almost here. If we don't make it to State it's not gonna matter, but if we do, I won't be able to play if my grades aren't good enough."

"Let me help you."

James raises an eyebrow at Logan. "In what way?"

"Let me help you pass. I can probably relate it to you better than a teacher because I know you, know how you think."

"Think so, do you?"

"I got you to change hairsprays, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but that wasn't on purpose or anything, you didn't do that whole report just to..." James' eyes narrow. "Did you?"

"The point is I can help you. What are you doing when you get home?"

"Right now? Dad always makes me play for an hour before dinner, so I don't get 'rusty.'" James rolls his eyes.

"Play what?"

"Basketball."

"And then you eat dinner and then what?"

"Dude, this is your stop."

"I can turn around. What's after dinner?"

"Well, I attempt homework. Don't do too well with it."

"Would your parents mind me coming over to help you?"

"Mom's not home. Dad may or may not be. What about you, don't your parents care?"

"It's just me and mom, and she works until really late. I usually go home and do homework and make dinner by myself. I'd have to call her, but she'd understand."

James licks his lips, studying Logan. "You really want to come to my house?"

"I want you to pass your classes. Don't you?"

"I guess. Sometimes I think it would be easier to fail, though. I'd have time to do other stuff."

"No, that's not how it works. Even choir and drama are extracurricular. You have to pass your classes for all of them."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"But you...would do that?"

And now James knows the extent of his crush, knows how creepy he really is because hell yes, he'd do it. "If you're not comfortable with that I totally understand. We can keep this a bus thing."

"No, I'd love it! I mean...if you don't mind helping me, I could use the help. But I don't think you're gonna get much further with me than my teachers."

"Don't underestimate the power of genius, James."

James snorts and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, don't underestimate the power of stupid, Logan."

"Be quiet, you're not stupid."

"Shit, this is my stop! Press the tape!"

Logan does and they jump up. He lets James lead him off the bus and then he pulls out his phone.

"Calling your mom?"

"Yeah. Should you call your dad?"

"Probably not even home. Hopefully."

Logan's mother of course doesn't mind him helping a friend but insists he gets home before seven. "You still have your own homework to do, you know."

"I know, I know. It'll get it done, trust me. Thanks, Mom." He hangs up. "Okay, I just have to be home by seven."

"That's about...three hours?"

"Closer to two-and-a-half, math whiz."

"Shut up, I don't even have a watch!"

They both laugh, James shoving Logan playfully.

"My house is just up the block."

"This is a nice neighborhood. I'm surprised you have to take the bus."

"Well, Mom works and Dad...does his thing."

"And you don't drive yet."

"Do you?"

"Obviously not, or I wouldn't take the bus."

"You could have a license but not a car."

"True. I actually have my learner's permit."

"See? So you could drive." James tilts his head and studies Logan, who sees wheels turning and frowns.

"I don't know what you're thinking, but the answer is no."

"Just thinking how we have an extra truck now that the one my dad was working on is done. Mom said I can use it once I get my license."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Nothing, I guess. Unless you want to drive us back and forth to school."

"Ha, your parents would never go for that, they don't even know me."

"But you're responsible. You probably follow all the rules and drive like a grandma."

"I will have you know I drive like a normal human being."

"Are you saying grandmas aren't normal?"

"Shut up, James." Now it's Logan who's shoving James, but again they're laughing.

"Just an idea. I could talk to my parents. We could ride to school together. And home."

"I don't know that my mom would go for that. She _is_ always saying I need practice, though, and she doesn't have time to go with me. But there would have to be an adult in the car, so that wouldn't work."

"Not once you get the actual license. Then we could go together."

_I shouldn't even be considering this. Why am I even entertaining the thought? Mom would never let me._ But he has to admit, the thought of being alone in a car with James is doing strange things to his stomach. He has a sudden flash of the two of them at a drive-in movie (which he hasn't been to since he was a little kid), huddled under blankets in the pick-up's bed and snuggling together for warmth. _Yeah, that's nice. That's really nice._

James turns up a walk and Logan follows, noting a red truck in the drive-way. "Is that it?"

"Yeah, that's the spare. The one you'll be driving," he grins.

"Never gonna get that idea past my mom."

"Not if you don't try, that's for sure." The door is open and Logan follows James into a gorgeous house, beautiful furniture everywhere but none of it looks like it's ever touched.

"Yeah, Dad's not home. Cool. Let's go to my room."

Logan swallows, his throat suddenly tight. _Breathe, Logan. Breathe._

James' bedroom is a relief; it's messy and definitely looks lived-in. While Logan keeps his room tidy and never leaves the bed unmade, it's good to know James isn't the sort of guy who could be happy in a room that looks like a museum.

"It's a mess, sorry."

"Not a problem. But you don't make your bed?"

"Why should I? I'm just gonna mess it up again at night."

Logan's heard that argument before and he can't defy the logic behind it, but there's something nice about pulling back the covers every night before sliding into bed.

"Do you want anything? Like food or something to drink?"

"Uh...no. I'm good."

James clears off his bed, tossing shirts onto the floor. "These are clean, I just couldn't figure out which one to wear today."

"Well, they're not clean now. They're on the floor."

James shrugs. "Not really worried about it. I have a lot of clothes. Wanna see?"

He's so proud of it that Logan nods, and James whips open double doors to reveal a huge walk-in closet.

"That's a lot of clothes. Probably more than you'll wear before you grow out of them."

"Maybe. But you have to have a lot to work with, to get the right look."

"Did you say something about wanting to be a model?"

"I could totally do that. I have the walk down and everything."

"You're really..."

"What." James waits, obviously expecting an insult.

"A paradox."

"A what? You know you can't use big words on me, they don't work. At least not until you teach me stuff."

Logan grins. "A paradox. You appear one way but you're the opposite. Well, sort of."

"Really? How do you see me?"

"I think I see you pretty well, have a good idea what you're like."

"I would imagine so, having studied me all your life."

Logan sits down on the bed, cheeks flaming.

"Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It's not like I haven't done the same. Just because we never talked doesn't mean we don't know each other."

James is so upfront about all this, it's not something Logan's used to. For ten years everything was furtive, the glances and the curiosity and the studying, and now suddenly they're talking about it and Logan doesn't know how to react.

"Am I right?"

"I guess." Still embarrassed, Logan picks at a loose thread on the blanket he's sitting on.

"So you know me."

"I think so. But you're one way with your friends, and another with your team, and I guess another with me. Which is the real you?"

James sits down on the bed, lifting a leg up and turning to face Logan. He tilts his head to the side, considering. "I never really thought about it. There's an image, though. That I have to uphold."

"Why?"

"It's just the way it is. Fame is all about how people see you."

"And how do you see yourself?"

"Like...this, I guess. Like I am right now. With you. Just...normal."

"You don't act like this at school. I mean, I would know, right? Having studied you all my life?" Logan smirks.

"Haha, yeah, I suppose you would."

"So what makes me different?" James is still studying him, and it's making Logan squirm because there's such an intensity behind it. _What are you thinking?_

"I don't know. Maybe I just feel like you _do_ know me, so I don't have to try to impress you or anything. I don't go around telling everyone I'm stupid. Just you."

"Because I know better. And I don't put up with it."

"You're gorgeous."

Logan blinks and sits back, eyes bugging out. "Ex-cuse me?" he splutters.

"You are. I've never really just looked at you up close. It's always from far away." James leans forward some, gazing at Logan's face as if trying to memorize it. "We sit on the bus together, but I never get to just...look."

"I...okay." Logan clears his throat and scoots back a little, not sure when everything changed and even less certain how he feels about it, but it's freaking him out.

"I don't mean to scare you. But you should know. Someone should tell you. Because I bet nobody ever has."

"N-no. No, I've never heard that before."

"Then I'll have to say it a lot." James' lips curve into a slow smile and Logan can't breathe again.

"Is there a um...uh..."

"Bathroom? Just outside to the left. And don't you dare run out of here, I need your help on this homework!" James calls after Logan as he rushes out the door. "Adorable, too," he says to himself. "You're pretty adorable when you're embarrassed." With a huge grin, James opens up his backpack and prepares to learn.

XXXXX

They study for two hours, forgetting all about dinner, and at first James is resistant to the idea that Logan can really get the ideas through in a way that will stick, but after an hour he starts to believe it. Logan relates everything in a way he can understand, using his interests to help him remember and make sense of it all. He breaks it down and makes James repeat everything back, as well as making him explain why it works that way. By the time they're done James isn't a genius by any means, but at least he understands his math homework.

"Dude. You know what this means?"

Logan zips up his backpack and looks over.

"I'm not stupid."

"I told you that."

"But I'm not. I can learn this stuff."

"I know you can. You just have to try."

"I just need you to explain it to me."

Logan shrugs. "Whatever works." But he likes hearing that James needs him, even if he's not so sure it's true.

"I'll walk you to the bus."

"You didn't get dinner. I'm sorry."

"It's cool, I can eat after you leave. Unless you're hungry. I mean, of course you are, you didn't eat, either."

"Can't. Gotta be home by seven."

"But we have food here."

"We have food at my house, too. But thanks. If I don't leave now, I'll miss my bus."

"Yeah, okay." James locks the door behind him and looks around, frowning. "It's weird that Dad's not home yet. I hope he's okay."

"Where did he go?"

"Not sure. He always has places to be, but he's usually home by now."

They walk in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, until James asks, "You wanna come over again tomorrow? I promise not to tell you you're gorgeous. At least not more than three times," he teases.

"Stop." Logan shoves James aside, but he's not blushing this time; not much, anyway.

"Hey, thanks. For helping me."

"It's cool. Maybe tomorrow we can attack your English."

"Too bad I'm not taking French. I'd love for you to attack me with French."

Logan stops walking, mouth hanging open.

James laughs. "You are so adorable."

"Dude, you have to stop saying things like that."

"Why? It's true."

"You...want to kiss me?"

"I've wanted to kiss you since I was ten years old. Surely you knew that, genius."

"Um, no. No, I didn't know that."

"Did you ever _wish_ I did, at least?"

"James. Really. Stop."

James shrugs, amused. "That's a yes."

"You have a girlfriend."

"So?"

"So? So you can't kiss me. You _have_ a _girlfriend._"

"It's just a kiss, Logan."

How can James act like this is no big deal?

"Ohhhhh. You've never been kissed, have you?"

"I...am not sure that's any of your business."

"And that's a no. As in _no_, you haven't been kissed. We gotta fix that, too. Right after your hair. No, wait. Kiss comes first. Definitely."

It's almost a relief when the bus pulls up. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe by then you'll have some sense knocked into you."

"Don't act like you don't want to kiss me. Ten years of studying you, Logan. Ten years."

"I gotta go." He steps onto the bus, face red yet again.

"See ya tomorrow, Logan," James grins.

"Later, James."

XXXXXX


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

XXXXXX

Logan senses immediately that something's wrong. "Hey, you okay?"

James moves over for him to sit. "Hey, how's it going?"

"I'm fine. What's wrong?"

James shrugs. "Nothing."

"Ten years, James. Ten years. Talk to me."

With an annoyed sigh, James gives in. "Dad's gone."

Logan shifts in the bus seat to face James. "Gone?"

"Gone. That's why he wasn't home. He left yesterday."

"Where did he go?"

"California."

Logan's eyes bug out. "What? Why?"

"He's got family out there."

"But what do you mean, he...left? For good?"

"Yeah. Him and Mom are getting a divorce."

"Oh, dude. James. I'm so sorry."

"It's no big deal, I mean they fought all the time anyway."

"It _is_ a big deal. It's your parents."

"Still. It's not like Dad and I were close."

"So what? Dude. It's your _parents_. Did he even say goodbye?"

"Mom says he's gonna call me today. Whatever." James continues to stare out the window and Logan wishes they were alone. He knows he could get James talking if they weren't in public, and James needs to talk about this.

"Hey. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. You still coming home with me today?"

"If you want me to, yeah. Staying after?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

They don't talk the rest of the ride, but Logan settles in closer to James, who relaxes his body enough to lean on Logan. It's not much, but it's the only comfort Logan is able to give.

He watches James transform himself before stepping off the bus; a deep breath, some weird finger wiggle thing in front of his face (Logan has seen him do that before and he's never known what it's about), and squared shoulders before James joins the rest of the world—_his_ world. Nikki starts babbling at him the moment he's out and Logan shakes his head at the change in James' demeanor. It's obvious no one else will hear about the divorce, and it makes Logan more determined than ever to get James talking.

As he walks by the little group, Logan purposely brushes against James' shoulder and feels a brief squeeze to his forearm before it's gone in a flash. It's James' way of saying thank you.

XXXXX

It isn't until after lunch that they finally get a class together, and by that time Logan is going crazy wondering if James is okay. He didn't show at lunchtime; his normal seat next to Nikki was taken by some female friend of hers as if they weren't expecting him at all, and that really set Logan's fears alight. Where would he go? Is he okay? Did his mom come get him? Did his dad? What if James moved to California?

When James saunters into American history acting as if it's just another ordinary day, Logan breathes a huge sigh of relief while at the same time his heart breaks because James is putting on such a brave face and he needs so badly to let it out. But it can wait. Just a few more hours until Logan can get him alone and get him talking. Just before the bell rings James gets up to sharpen his pencil, passing by Logan's desk on the return trip. A crumpled piece of paper slips out of his hand and onto Logan's desk, and Logan immediately covers it and slides it toward him, heart racing. It's the first time they've ever directly communicated in public, and even if it was done surreptitiously, it's still a direct communication.

As soon as all eyes are on the teacher Logan opens the note.

"_No detention. Regular bus time. Be there."_

As if he'd miss it. But it's good that James doesn't have to stay after, right? Apparently his math teacher was impressed with his homework, and it makes Logan proud. _Knew I could get through to him. _

Logan does his best not to stare at James during class, but it's hard; he's worried. Each time he casually glances over he sees James looking like he always does, as if his whole world isn't falling apart. _Maybe he really doesn't care. Maybe I'm overreacting._ But no. He knows James. He saw it this morning, heard it in James' voice. James is hurting. Why doesn't the clock move faster?

Fifteen minutes in there's an announcement over the loudspeaker. _"Logan Mitchell, please report to __room 105 immediately. Logan Mitchell, room 105." _

Everyone turns to stare at Logan, who blinks in surprise. 105? That's not even his classroom. That's..._oh crap. That's James' math class. Oh crap._ He looks to James, who is looking back at him in surprise before anger replaces it. James shakes his head, fuming.

_Oh crap. What? What did I do?_

The teacher excuses Logan, telling him to take his things just in case, and James won't even meet his eyes now. He looks embarrassed as well as angry.

The classroom is empty when he walks in, except for the blonde woman behind the desk; this must be her free period. "Hello, Logan Mitchell?"

"Um, yeah?"

"Come on in, have a seat. I'm Miss Oxford."

Logan doesn't answer, just sits down in one of the desks at the front.

"I want to talk to you about James Diamond."

The blood drains from his face. She knows, somehow she knows James wants to kiss him and she's going to tell his mom. She's going to tell the whole school. Sanity reasserts itself a moment later and he realizes there's no way she could possibly know that, but a part of him is still terrified. "James?"

"Yes, he's a friend of yours, right?"

"I...uh..."

"He says you helped him with his homework yesterday. Is that true?"

"Yes." That much he can admit. "He said he was having trouble with it."

"He was. Serious trouble. Are you aware he's about to be kicked off the basketball team?"

"He said that might happen, and I offered to help him."

"When I saw his homework today, I assumed someone had done it for him. He told me you helped him with it and I took that to mean you did it for him. Because there's no way James could have improved that much overnight."

"But he did! I didn't do it for him, I swear! I explained it all to him and he seemed to get it and-"

"Logan, calm down. I know. I assumed that originally, but when I asked him to explain it all to me he was able to. He started talking about make-up and colors and fashion but...once I understood where he was going with it, I couldn't fault the logic. He really gets it now."

"You just have to know how to talk to him."

"Apparently so, because I've tried and tried and I couldn't get through to him. Even after two hours of one-on-one, he just wasn't getting it. But that's fine, I don't even care that I couldn't help him, as long as someone was able to. His coach and the principal have been on us to get him through these classes, you know how important the sports program is to this school." Miss Oxford rolls her eyes and Logan smiles; he knows exactly how she feels.

"I didn't want to see him banned from the team, so I offered to help him. He's not stupid."

"I know he's not, but he doesn't see the world the way the rest of us do." Miss Oxford sighs and rubs her face. "Anyway. I wanted to ask if you'll keep working with him."

"Of course! Whatever he needs. We're going to work on his English after school."

"Oh, Donna will be thrilled to hear that. She's getting leaned on pretty hard, too. Those are his worst subjects and she and I both were ready to throw our hands up over James. But if you can teach him and make it stick, we're more than happy to hand the reins over to you. Anything you need, just let us know. If you need your own workload lightened, we can talk to your teachers and see if they can let you slide a little-"

"No, it's no problem. My homework's pretty easy anyway."

"Alright, then! Great. Thank you. Just let me or Mrs. Roland know if you need help, okay? Any kind of materials or extra time or whatever. We're not just gonna roll over and let him pass if he doesn't deserve it, so he needs to learn this stuff."

"I would hope not. It'd just hurt him to give him a free pass on everything."

"Exactly. Thank you, Logan."

"No problem. And if there are specific areas he needs to work on, let me know."

"For now just get him through the homework. The rest will fall into place."

"Okay. Can I go?"

"Sure. Have a good day."

Logan rushes out of the classroom and has to stop, leaning against the wall for support. He has officially been ordered to spend time with James. As much time as he can.

And James still wants to kiss him.

Or at least...he did. Things might be different now. And James looked so angry when Logan got called out of class; maybe he doesn't want Logan to tutor him all the time. This could end up being a bad thing if James feels forced into it.

_Damn. Just when things were happening._

XXXXX

Logan follows him onto the bus, sensing that anger in James and still worried about what it might mean. The last thing James needs right now is to be pressured about his grades, and he's decided that if James doesn't want to continue the study sessions, Logan will let it go.

_Even if it means I don't get that kiss._

And it really bothers him that he's so fixated on this, that he laid in bed for hours with his stomach cramping with nerves just thinking about what it would be like to kiss James Diamond.

James spouts off the second they're seated. "Logan, I'm sorry, I swear, I told her you didn't do my homework, I told her I did it, even explained it all, but she didn't believe me, she wouldn't, she kept-"

"What? She believed you."

"No she didn't, I know that's why she called you, she accused you of doing my work for me, huh?"

"No, not at all. Well I mean, she said that at first she thought I did, but when you showed her you understood the work, she knew you did it yourself."

"She did?"

"Yeah."

"So what did she want?"

"Um...well, she asked if I would keep working with you. Like...all the time." _I totally sound like I'm dying for this to happen and he's going to see through me again, he knows me too well._

"Oh." James bites his lip as he thinks about that.

"If you don't want to-"

"Are you kidding? Of course I do. I need to learn it and...you know. Added bonus of spending time with you."

The smile James gives him makes Logan's heart squeeze tight. "Are you...sure?"

"Duh." James leans in and whispers. "You're gorgeous, remember?"

And damn, someone turned the air off on this bus because suddenly Logan is sweating and having trouble breathing.

James chuckling doesn't help. "Don't worry. I'll wait until we're alone to attack you."

Logan licks his lips and looks to his right, unable to even see James right this second.

"You are so red right now."

"Of course I am!" Logan hisses. "Stop saying stuff like that!"

"But you're so cute when you blush."

"Are we there yet?" Logan stands up and moves across the aisle to the empty seat across from James.

James just laughs. "Almost."

The walk to James' house is mostly silent, and when Logan feels the sadness returning to James he broaches the subject. "Any word from your dad?"

"No. He won't call."

"If she said he would-"

"He won't."

They turn up the walk, Logan's heart breaking again. "Your mom went to work like normal?"

"Of course. She can't miss a day for anything. Which is probably one of the reasons Dad left."

"Probably. Did he have a job?"

"No. He used to, when I was a kid. Then Mom's company took off and there was all this money and he just...stopped working. No need to."

Logan follows James into the house and straight to his bedroom. "And you weren't close to him at all?"

"No. That's why it's not gonna make much difference now that he's gone."

"Are you sure about that?"

James drops his backpack on the floor and clears the clothes off his bed—which Logan notices with a double-take is made. "Why should it?"

"You made your bed."

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I...you know. Thought I should."

_He made his bed for me. He _made_ his _bed_ for me._ _Can we just kiss now?_ "It'll feel better when you go to bed tonight. You'll be glad you did."

"If nothing else, it's more comfortable for us to sit on." James slides onto it and backs up against the wall, motioning for Logan to join him.

_Oh my God, he's gonna kiss me. I know it._ But no. _No. We have to talk about this. _Logan sets his backpack on a chair before joining James on the bed, settling next to him so their shoulders are touching. "Is your mom okay?"

"She's fine. She won't even notice he's gone, not really."

"That's sad."

James shrugs. "It's how they are. Mom's always been more into her work than us."

"So why didn't he take you with him?"

"Probably doesn't want me to leave school, the team and stuff."

"Still, he could've told you."

"I guess." James clears his throat and leans forward. "We should get started on the English-"

"Forget your homework. It can wait."

"What did you say?" James turns to Logan in shock.

"Your homework can wait. This is important."

James is silent, just studying him.

"Besides. It's Friday."

"It...oh. It is. I didn't even think about that. You should stay over," James grins, wagging his eyebrows.

"Shut up," Logan replies, shoving James. They seem to like the shoving thing. "Don't distract me. We're talking about you."

"There's not much to say. Dad's gone. Mom's never home. It's just the way it is."

"That doesn't mean you have to like it, James."

Maybe it's the use of his name, or maybe it's the soft tone Logan uses, but something causes James' face to fracture and his breath to leave him in a rush. "It's just..."

And now his voice is cracking and Logan fights hard not to pull him in tight and smother him with comfort. "Just what?"

"Just...he was never a great father, he didn't talk much to me except to ask about the games or tell me what to do, but...he was here. At night. The T.V. was on and I could hear him in the kitchen or the bathroom and if I needed something, he was here. Doesn't matter that I never needed anything—he was here if I did."

He's almost there, the tears are almost coming and his voice is thick and Logan's own eyes feel wet.

"And things are gonna be different now. Everything's changing. It wasn't great, but it was my life. I knew what to expect every day. There was Mom being...Mom, and Dad being Dad, and then there was you. There's always been the three things in my life that don't change. And now...it's changing."

Words won't come. He knows he should say something, but words have escaped Logan at this point.

"I'm not saying our change is a bad one. I've wanted this forever, for us to talk and be friends. But I feel so alone now." And finally the tears come, James hating them and wiping them away angrily.

"You're not," Logan whispers. "I promise. Never alone."

"Fuck, I just...hate this!"

Logan's arms reach out to pull James in and James lets him, burying his face in Logan's neck while Logan holds him tight, feels him shaking with the violence of finally letting out everything he's kept in over the past twenty-four hours. He nuzzles James' hair and lifts a hand to run over it. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"He didn't even say goodbye, okay? He didn't say goodbye! What kind of father doesn't even say goodbye?"

Now Logan's crying a little too as he rubs James' back and holds him close. "It's okay, it's gonna be okay, you're not alone, I'm sorry."

"I hate him. Both of them. They're so selfish. Why did they even have a kid if they don't want to be parents?"

"Because I needed you." The words are out before Logan can even think about what he's saying. "You've always been there for me. You were always there. I needed you."

James' arms wrap around his waist and cling to Logan as he finally breaks completely, sobbing in a way that makes Logan want to go find a gun and shoot both of James' parents. At least fifty times. Each.

Logan doesn't even care that James is crying on his shirt or that his shoulder is wet from the mess of James falling apart. All he knows is that James needs him and he's going to be there, just like he has for the past ten years.

It's a good fifteen minutes before either of them speak again. James' sobs have tapered off into the occasional heaving sigh and he has finally pulled away from Logan to sit against the wall again, though Logan's left hand is held tight by James' right. At some point Logan got up to find tissues but he rushed back and took his place next to James as quickly as he could.

"Can I get you some water?"

"I'm okay," James answers in a wrecked voice.

Logan rolls his eyes. "Come on. Let's go find you something to drink."

He pulls James up with him, James not putting up a fight but allowing himself to be led by the hand down the stairs. "Kitchen is...?"

"Down there."

Logan makes him drink half a bottle of water before taking what's left for himself.

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"I didn't mean to freak out like that."

"You're embarrassed? There's no need to be. You needed to do that."

"My plan was to seduce you, not drool all over your shirt."

Logan grins. "Drool can be good. Now I can tell people I make James Diamond drool."

James laughs, but there's a sliver of fear in his eyes that Logan doesn't miss.

"Hey. I'm not gonna tell anybody. What happens here doesn't leave this house. Same with the bus. Okay?"

"I'm not ashamed of you, it's just-"

"Don't. Nothing to explain. I know about your image."

"It's not...I don't..."

"James. It's okay. I kind of like our...alone time. Even if it's going to be mostly studying."

"Only mostly, though. We have to kiss at least once every day."

And now they're back to the kissing. Logan feels guilty for the way his body reacts, so recently after James was in agony.

"It's gonna happen, Logan. That's the deal. You come over here, you get kissed. And told you're gorgeous."

"Maybe I shouldn't come over here."

"Shut up, you're totally coming over. Every freaking day." With a grin James reaches out to grab Logan's hand and pull him closer. Logan comes, almost stumbling, but James catches him and gives him a huge grin. "You're nervous."

"Of course I'm nervous! I've never been kissed! What if I suck at it?"

"I'm kind of hoping you do."

"What?"

"Means we have to practice more."

Heat spreads through Logan's body as James tilts his chin up with one hand, the other arm wrapped around his waist and holding him in place.

"You ready for this?"

"Um...uh...no. Really not."

"You're shaking. It's okay, it's just a kiss."

"Like you weren't scared your first time?"

"Honestly, I wasn't. Just wanted to do it already and know what it's all about."

"And?"

"And...it was okay. Nothing special. Something tells me kissing a guy is going to be special. Kissing you? Something spectacular."

Logan swallows, eyes wide. "I'm your first guy?"

James nods, gaze hungry on Logan's face. "Wanted to do this for five years now. So glad I get to be your first."

He licks his lips, about to hyperventilate. "If I do it wrong, you'll tell me, right?"

"There's no wrong way, Logan. Just...kiss me."

But Logan can't move, he's frozen and still shaking.

James smiles softly and whispers, "So adorable." Then his lips are on Logan's and Logan tenses up but James keeps going, moving his lips in a way that Logan responds to intuitively, his body taking over when his brain fails him.

"Relax," James breaks away to whisper but then he's kissing Logan again and Logan tries to relax but it's James, it's _James,_ and James is kissing him and James' hand is cupping his cheek and James' body is so warm against his and he knows he's doing this all wrong, it's not romantic or passionate at all like it is in the movies, but James is kissing him and that's enough. He wonders if he should open his mouth but James hasn't and so he doesn't, he just tries to follow James' lead and suddenly James laughs and pulls back some and Logan wants to die; James is laughing at him.

"You're over-thinking this. I should've known you would."

"Well, I...I mean...I don't know what to do! Help me!"

"Just do what I do, okay? And relax. Don't think, Logan. Just...feel."

If James keeps speaking to him in that tone of voice, he'll do anything James asks.

"Can I try again?"

"Please," Logan whispers.

The fire in James' eyes sends heat rising in Logan and this time when James kisses him, Logan is ready. James doesn't hold back and Logan takes it, his mouth opening to James' when James' tongue teases his lips and then James' tongue is in his mouth and it's not overpowering like he'd feared it would be, not suffocating, it's amazing and James tastes like...there really are no words to describe it. James tastes like perfection. Logan's hands slide up into James' hair as he returns the intensity of it and James lets out a little groan in Logan's mouth and Logan wants to die again from that sound, knowing he caused that sound to come from James.

Logan suddenly feels a cold solidness behind him and realizes it's the refrigerator, James has backed him up against the refrigerator and there isn't much left of his brain at this point. James is kissing him and has him trapped and there is nothing better in this world than being right here in this moment and can it please, please last forever?

Except it doesn't, because of course life doesn't work like that, life isn't like the fantasies he's had of James over the years, life always has to interrupt—this time with a phone call. James' phone rings and it's like coming out of a fog. The only good thing about it is that James looks as if he too had been lost in the moment and Logan watches his expression clear slowly as if he'd been immersed in a daydream.

"You uh...gonna get that?" Logan manages. "Might be your dad."

"Yeah. Uh...yeah." With a lick of his lips James turns around and pulls out his phone. "Hey, Dad."

Logan is pleased to hear that James sounds shaky. Maybe he did okay after all.

XXXX


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

XXXX

At first Logan hangs around, gulping down another bottle of water he finds in the refrigerator (and trying not to remember what it felt like to be pressed up against it by a hard body), but then he realizes James might want to be alone; it can't be easy to have this conversation with his dad, especially with another guy around.

Logan walks behind James, figuring he'll wait in the bedroom, but a hand reaches back and grabs his wrist as he passes, keeping him there. The desperation in that tight grip tells Logan everything he needs to know; James doesn't want to be alone right now. Logan stops and peels James' fingers off his wrist, then slips his own fingers between James' to link their hands. He gives one squeeze and James squeezes back before returning his attention to the phone call.

Logan doesn't get much out of it on his end, but he hears enough to know that James _does_ care about his father. The questions he asks are the types of questions his father should be asking him, not the other way around, and Logan begins to understand that a huge part of James is worried about his father. Just how much did James look after his father instead of the other way around? The hurt is there but only just, James trying to put on a brave face for his dad, and Logan has an almost irresistible urge to hug James from behind, just stand there and hold James up, but he doesn't; the hand-holding is enough for now.

"Actually, I..." James glances down at Logan before continuing. "I think I'm good here. We'll see how it goes, but...I'm okay for now. Doing better on my math, too. Working with a friend on it and it seems to be helping, so...hopefully I'll get to keep playing."

Logan nods. "You will," he mouths.

James smiles. "I'll let you know. So you're gonna keep using this number for a while?"

Five minutes later James disconnects the call. Logan studies his face as he pockets the phone, but can't read him. "Well?"

"He apologized. For leaving like that. He knew I would be hurt but he said he couldn't stand another night and he didn't want to pull me out of class to tell me."

"Honestly, I think that would've been a good reason to pull you out of class."

"Yeah, I know. I think he just didn't want to face me."

"Is he okay?"

"Seems to be. He's staying with his sister right now. Told me when he gets his own place I can move there with him. If I want to."

Panic slams into Logan's chest. "Oh. That's cool, I guess."

"Think so?"

"Well, if you want to, I mean..."

James tilts his head, really studying Logan, before shaking it. "Why can't you just say you want me to stay?"

Damn, how does James always know exactly what he's thinking? "I want you to do what you want. Be where you're happy."

A small smile and another hand squeeze are the reply from James. "I'm happy right here."

"I know you're worried about your dad, and if you need to go..."

"Like I told him. I'm good here." As if to prove his point, James cups Logan's cheek and leans down for a soft kiss. "I'm not leaving now that it's getting good, Logan."

Logan swallows hard, his heart racing again, before he realizes that James has an ulterior motive for distracting him with a kiss. "What else did your dad say?"

James sighs in frustration. "Can't we just kiss for a while?"

"No. Talk to me." Logan leads James over to the table and shoves him into a chair. He tries to move away to take his own seat but James hugs Logan's waist and pulls him down onto his lap.

"Dude!"

"If I have to talk, you have to sit with me."

"You're impossible. And way too horny."

James laughs, the first real laugh Logan has heard from him all day. "Can't help wanting to touch you. How many years did we go without it?"

"Ten. Ten years."

"And I wanted to touch you a lot. Your hair. Always wanted to feel your hair."

"No, it's me who wanted to feel _your_ hair. It's always so perfect."

"Of course it is. I work hard for that. I was thinking that you shouldn't just comb your hair down like this, we could spike it up a little and it would look good, bring out your eyes more." James' fingers card through Logan's hair, trying to make it stand up some.

"How does spiking my hair change the color of my eyes?"

"Trust me. It adds something."

"And you're distracting me again. What else did your dad say?"

"Nothing really, just that he was sorry. And that he uh...you know."

"He what?"

The hand drops from Logan's hair and settles on Logan's leg. "Just...misses me."

James is blinking way too fast. Logan's hand covers the one on his leg. "Do you miss him, too?"

"I don't know. I told you what it's like. We don't talk much but...you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

James lets out a long, shaky sigh and Logan slides his arms around James' shoulders, hugging him close. "Maybe you can go see him over winter break."

"Yeah, maybe."

"I know you're worried about him."

"He'll be fine. My aunt's good with him."

A grandfather clock chimes from another room and Logan counts the peals. How did it get to be six o'clock already?

"I know," James says, reading his mind. "You need to go."

_God, I don't want to leave you like this_. "What time does your mom get home?"

"Depends. Sometimes ten, sometimes later. Depends on meetings."

"Ten? That's crazy. If I leave, will you make sure to eat dinner?"

"I think you should just stay the night," James teases.

"I think my mom would have a fit about me staying with someone she's never met."

"Ha. My mom probably wouldn't even know I was gone. I'm usually in my room anyway."

"That is so sad, James. I can't believe you don't even talk to her at night."

"Sometimes I do. Mostly they would fight, though, so I stayed away."

"Well, at least there won't be any more fighting. Though your mom might start worrying about you and decide to keep a closer eye on you. Maybe this will bring you two closer."

"Not gonna happen." Another sigh before James rubs his cheek over Logan's hair. "You sure you don't want to stay?"

He says it in a flirty voice but Logan hears the desperation beneath the question, knows that James really doesn't want to be alone tonight. "I can't. But um...I could ask Mom if...you know. If you could um...I mean you don't have to but..."

James pulls back to stare at Logan. "Are you asking me to spend the night at your house?"

"If Mom says it's okay, and if you wanted to, I mean you probably prefer to stay here and have free time and-" Logan feels his cheeks blazing, why is this so hard?

"Sit around being sad and lonely? Yeah, I'd prefer that. Not."

Logan licks his lips, nervous. "It's boring at my house, we'd just watch TV or play video games or whatever but...at least you wouldn't be alone."

"I don't think that sounds boring at all."

"What do you normally do at night?"

James shrugs. "Watch TV. Movies. Practice my singing and dancing."

"Oh! You can sing for me!"

"You want to hear me sing?"

"Well, you need to know if you're any good, right? I'm no musician, but I can recognize talent when I hear it. Sing for me tonight."

The atmosphere has shifted just a notch, reminding Logan of that second kiss, when James had him backed up against the refrigerator. The way James is looking at him...maybe this isn't such a good idea. The last thing Logan needs is for his mom to catch them kissing. And just how much kissing would there be anyway? An entire night alone with James? There could be _a lot _of kissing going on. Suddenly Logan can't breathe, it's way too hot in here. He stands up, James letting him go, and approaches the refrigerator for more water. The damn refrigerator. It mocks him.

"Hey."

After a few gulps, Logan turns around, feeling like he can face James again.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I know this is all new for you, but...you've wanted it, right? I'm not wrong about that?"

"Why do you always want to talk about it? It's hard enough for me to think about." _And it makes me turn red like a tomato. I'm such a loser._

"Because I like to know where I stand. And you make_ me_ talk about _my_ feelings. It's only fair."

Logan can't argue that.

"And I want you to know it's okay. It's okay to like me. You don't have to be embarrassed. You're not the only one feeling this. Obviously. If you couldn't tell from that kiss..."

"You mean the awkward over-thinking one where I freaked out? Yeah, let's not ever talk about that again."

"I'm talking about the second one. When you relaxed. When you kissed me back and your hands were in my hair and..."

Now James stands up. He walks toward Logan, whose eyes widen in fear that James is going to attack him with another kiss, and when all James does is snatch the water bottle from him and drink, Logan is strangely disappointed. _What is wrong with me? I'm so pathetic._

Logan crosses his arms over his chest and looks anywhere but at James.

"I'll behave, okay? Call your mom. See if I can come over."

He's not sure if he wants James to behave. The problem is that Logan's not sure of anything anymore where James is concerned, and it was so much easier when all they did was stare. Talking and kissing has complicated things. Logan simply isn't used to _feeling_ so many things; it's a bit overwhelming. Remembering that kiss, though, and the way James cried on him, it makes it all worth it. The fear, the embarrassment, the awkwardness...James needs a friend. A real friend.

And no matter what happens with the kissing, Logan is going to be that friend.

XXXX

Logan is extremely nervous about bringing James into his home. It isn't even that he's not used to having friends over, it's just...James. It's _James_. And James means more to him than anyone, which is maybe weird but the way it's always been.

He unlocks the front door and steps back to let James go in first, fidgeting with his keys. "Mom should be home in about an hour. I have to get dinner ready."

"You cook?" James spins around from inside the foyer, surprised.

"Not really. It's just easy stuff like spaghetti and Hamburger Helper and...you know. Boxed meals mostly."

"Still. That's awesome. I can't even make toast."

"Mom cooks on the weekends. She loves to do it but gets home from work so late during the week that she can't, so..." Logan shrugs off his jacket and hangs it inside the hall closet, reaching for James' as well. And why is James taking off a jacket so hot? The way it slides down his shoulders to reveal tan muscles, the way those muscles move under the golden skin. And how does James even have such golden skin in Minnesota?

_This is gonna be a long night._

Luckily James is too busy looking around at everything to notice Logan drooling. Or so Logan thinks, until James gives him a smug smile. He says nothing, but Logan knows he's been caught. He clears his throat and hangs up the jacket next to his own.

One week ago they hadn't even said hello. Now their coats are hanging together in a closet. In Logan's home. And Logan is for sure going to be kissed at least once tonight. It still blows his mind. "Here, let me take that," he says, reaching out for James' overnight bag.

"You really are adorable, you know." James follows Logan down a hallway and into a bedroom that is tidy but not sterile. "I see your bed is made."

"Of course it is." _Don't think about the bed, don't think about the bed, don't think about the_- "And just so you know, we're sleeping in the living room tonight. Not in my bed."

James grins. "You're no fun."

"I don't trust myself."

"Yourself? You're worried about _you_? Oh, I think I like that. Here I thought you were terrified of me attacking you."

"I am. But mostly because I don't think I'd stop you."

There's that look again, the one Logan feels all the way down to his toes when James' eyes burn into him like that. It causes his throat to close and heat to rise in his face and warmth to flood into his stomach and...lower.

"It's okay, Logan," James says softly. He pulls Logan to him slowly. "Breathe."

Logan isn't sure what James' plans are at the moment but he knows what _he_ wants, and before he can over-think it again he lifts himself up a bit to reach James' lips with his own. James responds immediately, hands sliding around Logan's waist and pulling him even closer while he kisses Logan like he did the second time, like Logan wants to be kissed _all _the time, maybe every second of every day. Yeah, that could work, because he loves the way James takes possession of his mouth, loves that James is forward but not demanding, that his tongue wants to taste every part of Logan it can without being too much, and suddenly it's not enough. Logan wants more.

His hands go into James' hair again and James bites down on Logan's lip, and that's new but Logan definitely likes it, definitely wants to make that happen again. His grip tightens and there's that sound, the one James made earlier that made Logan want to die, but this time Logan doesn't want to die, he just wants to hear it again. He slides his tongue into James' mouth, hoping it's not too forceful, but James opens his mouth wider and makes another sound, kind of a gasp with that little moan and whoa. _Whoa._ Yeah, more of that.

Hands are on his waist now, moving lower to cup him from behind and then Logan is flush against James, heat shooting through his body as James pulls him impossibly closer, and James is panting and Logan can't even think anymore, but he has to, he _has_ to, because somebody has to and this is too much, it's more than Logan can stand right now, even if all he wants is to keep it going. He doesn't know how to stop, though, now that he's started this he can't seem to stop it, he just kisses James harder and tugs on James' hair and there's that gasp again and-

"Logan, fuck!" James pushes him away a bit and takes in air, head thrown back against the wall as he pants.

Logan tries to back away further but James doesn't let him, holds him there with a grip on his shoulders. "Sorry," he finally whispers, looking down, and of course, _of course_, his face is flaming.

"Don't be, I wasn't complaining, I just..."

He's got that foggy look again, as if Logan fries his brain the way James fries his, and Logan likes that, too. "I kind of...got lost for a minute."

"It's uh...it's okay. Please don't apologize for that. I just..." But James doesn't continue, he just shakes his head slowly.

"How about we um...dinner. Yeah, I gotta get dinner started, Mom'll be home pretty soon." And that did it. Suddenly Logan can think about things other than James' mouth and hair and hands and...well, maybe not.

"You just surprised me. I wasn't expecting that."

Wow, he's actually sweating a little. James is sweating a tiny bit. "I wasn't either. But uh...you seemed to like it," Logan smirks, more than a little proud that he made James crazy.

"Just a little bit." James swallows, and is he still breathless? Oh, Logan really likes this.

"Come on, you can help me with the salad. It's easy, you just pour it out of a bag."

"Yeah, okay. I think even a moron like me can handle that."

"I think you can handle anything," Logan throws out. He squeezes James' hand as they walk toward the kitchen.

"I think you have too much faith in me."

"I think you sell yourself short."

"I think you're gorgeous. And a natural at kissing."

That surprises Logan into stopping. He turns to James with wide eyes. "Really? I thought I was awkward and over-thinking it."

"You were, that first time. I think we're past that now."

"Darn. I was hoping we'd have to practice more."

And just like that, Logan is once again pressed up against a refrigerator. This needs to stop or he's gonna get a raging hard-on every time he sees one.

"We'll practice plenty. The sooner I get you alone, the better."

Can't breathe, he can't breathe, and James is so close to him and those lips are right there, and how does James do this to him? How? "Still sleeping in the living room," he gets out in a strangled voice.

"Still gonna kiss you."

"I thought you were gonna behave."

"Look who's talking. You just attacked me."

"And you loved it."

No comeback for that, which Logan finds odd. Usually James has a comeback for everything. Instead he's staring at Logan with an unreadable expression on his face, and Logan is left wondering once again what's going on behind that gaze. He's still pressed up against the refrigerator, but he's not complaining about that, other than the fact that it makes him want to attack James again.

But James isn't talking. Something's going on there, and Logan senses this isn't the time. "Can I get the salad out now, or am I going to be trapped against the refrigerator all night?"

The intense look is broken with a smile. "Yeah, get the salad." James backs up and Logan gets to it, also pulling out the ground beef. He directs James to the cupboards with the pots and within minutes they're cooking dinner together, joking around as if they weren't ready to rip each others' clothes off ten minutes earlier.

Logan only hopes his mom won't be able to see the attraction between them, because that would mean no more sleepovers. And this one promises to be fantastic.

XXXXXX

Logan's mother is understandably curious about James, him being the first friend invited over since elementary school. Logan senses that she wants to ask a lot of questions, but she refrains out of politeness and out of a fear of driving James away; it's nice to see Logan with a friend for a change.

Surprisingly, James' mother calls just as they sit down to dinner. He excuses himself and Joanna pounces. "So this is the boy you've been tutoring?"

"Right. We only did it yesterday, though. Except his teachers asked me to keep helping him. He's about to be kicked off the basketball team. And Mom, his dad left yesterday. His parents are getting a divorce. That's why I wanted him to come over, I didn't want to leave him alone tonight."

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm surprised his mom let him come over, then."

Logan isn't really sure James asked, but he's not going to tell his mom that. He only hopes Mrs. Diamond doesn't insist on James going back home.

"You'll still have time for your own studies, right?"

"Yeah. I'm not worried about it. I just need to get him to pass his English and math classes, and he's already showing a lot of improvement in math. We'll do English tonight." _And maybe a little French, too, if I'm lucky._ Logan fights hard not to smile, concentrating on spinning spaghetti around his fork.

"Is he leaving in the morning? Don't forget we have to go visit Uncle Ted."

"I know." And when _will _James be leaving? An entire weekend alone. Logan doesn't like the thought of that at all. Or maybe his mom is off on weekends, like Logan's mom is.

James comes back and takes his seat across from Logan. "Sorry about that."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Mom's gonna be out late tonight, she just wanted to let me know. In case I needed her," he adds quickly, and Logan knows for sure James hadn't asked ahead of time. He hopes James at least told her he was here.

"What does your mom do, James?"

"She's the CEO of Brooke Diamond Cosmetics."

"Oh, _the _Brooke Diamond? I knew she lived somewhere near here but I wasn't sure where. Does she work a lot?"

"Yeah, it takes a lot to run a company that big." James returns his attention to his food and Logan silently pleads with his mom to back off.

"So you're on the basketball team?"

"Yep. And Logan's gonna help me stay there, if I'm lucky."

"You don't need luck. Just use your brains. Which you _do_ have."

James blushes a little, but he's smiling as he looks down at his plate.

"You should've seen how much he improved overnight, Mom. His teacher couldn't believe it. Thought I did his homework for him."

"Oh, I hope you didn't get in trouble."

"No, because James proved he could do the work. I'm not sure how we're gonna go about the English stuff, though. Math is logic, easy to explain. What are you studying in English right now?"

James shrugs. "I do okay when we have to write essays and stuff, except for the spelling. I mix up words that sound alike."

"Everybody does that," Joanna comments. "Well, most of us, anyway," she corrects herself with a look at Logan.

"I can write, Mrs. Roland says I have a good imagination and I'm able to comprehend what I read, it's just the periods and commas and trying to figure out where they all go and what word to use and..."

Logan nods. "So you need help with vocab and grammar. I should've asked her before we came home, so I knew where to focus. Do you have any homework this weekend?"

"Yeah, supposed to read a short story and write a summary or something. Or maybe answer essay questions? I don't know, I have a paper about it."

"Okay, we'll tackle that after we clean up dinner."

"Don't even worry about that, Logan. You two just go study, I'll clean up. And I bought pie for dessert, so after a while I'll bring you some of that."

"Pie?" James perks up. "I like pie."

"Banana cream."

"Can I just live here?"

Both Logan and Joanna laugh, even though Logan's heart is cracking a little because he knows how badly James wants a normal life with a mom who's home every night and takes care of him.

"You're welcome anytime, James. I imagine your mom works late a lot?"

"Yeah. Dad was always home, but he uh..."

"It's okay. I told her."

This is one of those moments James would grab his hand if they were alone. It makes Logan smile.

"So yeah, Dad left last night."

"Well, I don't normally get home until around eight myself, so dinner here is always a bit late, but you're welcome to join us. Especially if Logan has to help you study. You two might as well just come over here after school, and I can run you home after dinner."

Bus rides, homework sessions, _and _dinner with James every night? This has to be the best day ever. "It makes sense, James. We should just come over here every day. Until you pass your tests, I mean." Because then it would stop, right? Once the danger has passed, James would have no reason to come over, except maybe for a few kisses. That's enough for Logan, but he's still not sure how James feels about it, and wouldn't Nikki get suspicious if James is spending so much time with a nerdy guy who isn't even a friend?

And what _about_ Nikki? They should probably talk about all this. Why is James kissing Logan when he has a girlfriend? _It's just a kiss._ He remembers that comment clearly and has to admit, it hurts a little.

But James has given no indication he wants anything more than a few kisses from Logan, and while Logan isn't even sure what he wants himself, he does know the kissing is nice. _More_ than nice. Especially the one in his bedroom that left James breathless.

Yeah, kissing is enough. Logan decides to keep his mouth shut about Nikki and just enjoy James while he can. Why complicate this thing even more?

XXXXXX

They spend two hours on James' English homework (minus a fifteen-minute-break for pie and a few kisses with promises of more to come, to motivate James); it's much more than either of them had planned but by the time it's finished, James is impressed with himself. It's not nearly the improvement he'd made the night before on math, because there are so many grammar rules he's not familiar with, but at least he has a better idea about sentence structure. The spelling will take time and memorization, which Logan figures they can take as it comes. When Logan stands up to put their books away, James moves to Logan's bed and stretches out with a long sigh.

"I don't think my brain can handle this stuff. It's too much."

"It's not and you're doing fine. And we're still not sleeping in the bed."

"What about those kisses you promised me?"

"Dude, shh! The door's open!" Panicked, Logan rushes over to close it. "If my mom hears you say that she won't let you come over anymore!"

"That would be a tragedy," James grins, then holds out his arms. "Come kiss me."

"No way. Not when you're lying on my bed. And not when my mom is still awake."

"Just one kiss, Logan. Come on."

_It's just a kiss._ Except in this circumstance, Logan knows what kind of kiss it would turn into and he can't let that happen, not while his mom could knock on the door at any second. No way would he be able to hide that they'd been playing tongue hockey and possibly touching each other places two boys shouldn't ever touch. He can't even believe he's thinking about that, about James putting his hand somewhere no one has since he was a toddler.

"Oh, I like that look on your face. Share your thoughts, Logan."

"Stop!" Logan hisses, face red as always.

"It must've been good. Tell me what I was doing to you in your head."

"James, I swear to God, if my mom knows about any of this, you will never be allowed in this house again. I'm serious. Is that what you want?"

James sits up, serious now. "Of course not. I like your mom. A lot."

"She likes you, too, but she wouldn't if she knew how badly you want to get into my pants."

That gets James' eyebrows up almost to his hairline. "Have I ever said anything about getting into your pants?"

"What? No, I just—I mean—well, you're so horny, all you want to do is make out with me and-" Except that's not really true, now that Logan thinks about it. James has never mentioned anything besides kissing, and maybe...well. Maybe that's why he stopped Logan earlier today. Maybe kissing is okay, but anything more would be crossing the line into gay and James Diamond isn't okay with being gay.

Logan remembers how James pulled him in, though, how James lined them up just right so they would have been grinding had they moved and yeah, Logan's brain is gonna explode if he keeps thinking about that, but then again that's when James stopped it, too. When it was about to go further than kissing.

James is quiet, and this seems to happen more and more, James just watching him and not letting on what he's thinking.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed you wanted something more. I just thought-"

"Come here."

Logan swallows as James opens his legs and holds out his arms. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Lock the door, then."

Oh God. Whatever James is planning is definitely not a good idea, it's surely very, very bad. "My mom is still awake." But he's not arguing this time, just pointing out a fact.

"So lock. The door."

He's right back to being pressed up against a refrigerator again, only this time there's no refrigerator—just James on his bed beckoning him. Without looking away from James he reaches back and locks the door.

"Now come."

As if in a trance, Logan goes. When he's standing between James' knees, James speaks again.

"If I do anything you don't want me to do, just tell me. I'll stop. Swear."

James' voice is a bit hoarse and Logan nods fast, unsure what to expect but whatever it is, Logan's past the point of over-thinking it—or of thinking at all.

James pulls him down and all Logan can do is feel—lips under his, skin under his fingers, a wet tongue against his own, hands sliding down his chest slowly before sliding right back up, only this time under his shirt. He sighs into James' mouth, still not thinking about any of this, only feeling and it's amazing, so many sensations running through his body at the different contact points. He shudders when James' thumbs find his nipples, groaning softly before sinking his teeth into James' bottom lip and then James shudders and Logan thinks he might be addicted to causing any sort of reaction like this.

_What if I..._Logan trails his lips down James' chin and James hisses, and yeah, that's the sort of thing Logan needs more of. He nips at James' neck.

"Logan, God, just..."

But Logan doesn't stop, not that James is asking him to. James' fingers rake down Logan's chest and back up again and Logan gasps, so hard he thinks his zipper might actually burst. He sinks his teeth into James' neck and those fingers dig into his shoulders hard enough to bruise underneath the shirt.

"Fuck!" James whispers, squirming slightly as if he can't decide whether to encourage Logan or push him away.

Logan gently sucks his way up to James' ear and whispers, "Don't."

"Don't what?" James is hot when his breathing is ragged.

"Don't stop."

"Fuck."

James seems to like that word, or at least resort to it when his brain is blown. Logan gives a test lick to James' earlobe and is rewarded with more shuddering and a new sound, something desperate and whiny and almost kittenish. Logan wonders if _he_ should stop, then wonders when it turned around to him being the one worried about going too far. "You okay?"

"I'm uh...not sure."

Logan pulls back to study James' face. James is breathing heavy and his eyes are foggy again and _how. How do I do this to him?_ "I'll stop if you want."

"No, it's...you're..."

This is going to have to wait. Strangely enough, Logan feels in control but he can see that James is about to lose it, and if that happens, they could seriously get caught—locked door or no.

"Let's go play Wii or something."

"Now?"

Logan nods. "Now. Until Mom goes to bed."

"Oh. Right." James stands up and licks his lips, rubbing his hands over his face. "Are you sure, though? You said your mom could walk out into the living room anytime, we should probably try to behave-"

"We're not sleeping out there."

James frowns. "We're not?"

"Nope. We're sleeping in here. With the door locked."

And isn't it funny how James' expression exactly matches the one worn by Logan every time James says something daring. When did that happen?

"Unless you're afraid I'll attack you."

James doesn't answer.

"Hey. James. We don't have to do anything, okay? We can just sleep. Out there, if you want. If you'd rather we didn't kiss anymore, just tell me."

"Why would I say that?"

"I don't know, you just seem...uncomfortable." _Scared. More like terrified._

"Um, no. I'm the one who started this, remember? Mr. Gorgeous?"

Logan grins. "Yeah, I know. You're still gonna sing to me tonight, right?"

James stops with his hand on the door. "You really want me to?"

"I told you I did. You gonna get all shy on me?"

"No, but I hope your mom doesn't mind."

"We can wait for that, too. Until after she goes to bed. Just don't sing too loud or you'll wake her up."

"I'm more worried about_ you _waking her up. When I attack you in your bed."

This time Logan laughs rather than freak out. "We'll see who makes the most noise. I'm betting it'll be you."

"No way. I'm a master at controlling my emotions. I keep it all inside."

"I know. And I think that hurts you sometimes. So I want you to know, you can talk to me about anything, okay?"

And why did he have to go get all serious? James' face has shut down and the sparkle is gone from his eyes. "Yeah. Thanks."

It reminds Logan of how James looked all day at school, that mask firmly in place and he doesn't ever want James to wear that mask around him. How do they go back to school on Monday and pretend none of this happened? How is Logan going to be able to sit in a classroom with James and not touch him or even smile at him? Things really were so much easier when all they did was stare.

But Logan wouldn't change it for the world.

XXXXX


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands on Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them, but FF is being a jerk and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading. 333333

The song James sings here is the one from Big Time Audition, the song he auditions with for Gustavo. It's "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson and it seemed like the perfect song for him to sing because...well, he sang it! Haha Yeah, I amuse myself.

XXXXXX

The next hour seems to last longer than all of the ten years they waited to speak. Logan tries to concentrate on the game they're playing but it's difficult because James is feeling the same impatience and Logan's glad this isn't one of those games where you can sit down and settle in next to each other.

Logan's mom comes in to watch them play for a bit and it's actually easier with her there; they're able to not think about being alone in the dark. She suggests they shower before it gets any later (cleanliness is big in the Mitchell household), and they trade off, one playing Wii while the other gets clean.

Logan takes more care than usual to make sure he's squeaky clean, not knowing how much of his skin is going to be touched but hoping for a fair amount. His stomach is cramping again just thinking about it, knowing at the very least they're going to kiss for a long time but there's a good chance his shirt will come off, and does James sleep with a shirt on? Logan hopes not.

And he can't even believe the things he's thinking about, that he went from terror over a kiss to wanting James' lips on his neck, James' hands on his...well, anything really. He remembers the fear in James' eyes when he said they were sharing the bed after all and wonders about that, too. When did James get scared? When Logan took the lead, maybe? Because every time they shared one of those insanely brain-melting kisses, it was Logan who seemed to push it while James just...took it. Except when James pulled him closer and pressed them together and...

Yeah, so there's no doubt James wants this, and something about that scares him. Logan doesn't know if it's the gay thing (he really hopes not but James _is_ over-concerned with his image) or because he's feeling guilty over the girlfriend (because when Logan brought her up, the answer was "It's just a kiss" and now it's definitely more than "just a kiss") or...

Why is he even trying to figure it out? He's known James from afar for ten years and while that affords him some insight into James' personality, it doesn't give him a free pass to read James' thoughts and feelings. The truth is James confuses him but again-he rather likes it.

By the time he's toweled off and combing his wet hair, he's calm again; thinking things through logically always does that for him, even when he can't come up with a correct answer. As long as he can narrow it down to a few possibilities and be ready for each of those, he's able to function.

He's decided to let James make the moves, let James decide how far they'll go. James is the one with the experience anyway, even if Logan is his first guy.

He's surprised to hear James laugh as he approaches the living room, even more surprised to hear his mom answer with "I almost had you! Damn!"

They're playing Wii together? Logan isn't sure how he feels about that, but once he spies James' face, his heart warms; James is enjoying a moment all guys should have with a mother, and he's obviously never had that.

"Gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat James Diamond," he tosses out, and Logan rolls his eyes as his mom sets down her controller.

"Get over yourself," he teases with a shove that causes James to miss a shot.

"Hey! I just missed that, you little...you are so getting it."

_Oh, I sure hope so. _And where did that thought come?

Doesn't matter, James knows exactly what he's thinking and shakes his head. "So getting it," he mumbles.

"Go take a shower."

James hands over the controller and passes Logan with a look that promises revenge; Logan's stomach cramps up again but in anticipation rather than fear.

"Do we need to drop James off at home in the morning?"

"I suppose." What Logan really wants is for James to go with them, to just live here and never leave, but he knows that's not going to happen. Besides, who knows what's going to happen tonight? For all he knows they'll end up fighting over something and never speak again. Maybe over Logan biting him too hard or pulling his hair out or-

"I like him. He's a good kid. Seems to miss having a mom around."

"He does, though he won't admit it. He's really concerned about his image."

"Well, that's natural. Look at his mother. Image is her entire line of work."

And Logan had never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense. "I wonder if he's ever good enough."

Joanna shrugs. "He's always welcome here. Just make sure you boys are ready to go by eight."

"Got it. Thanks, Mom." He gives her a tight hug, suddenly so grateful for all the nagging and mothering she does. "I'm so lucky to have you."

"Don't forget it. Now get to bed, it's almost midnight."

"Night, Mom."

"Night."

Logan can't help but peek into James' overnight bag, which is sitting open on his bed. Clothes, hair care products, an iPod, a DSi. All normal belongings of a teenage boy (even if there are more hair care products than usual), but James' life isn't normal because he has no one to share it with.

At least he didn't before. Logan plans to change that.

He sets James' stuff on the floor and peels back the covers, making sure the sheets are clean but would James even notice if they weren't? Probably not. He runs a hand over his pillow, imagining James' face on it and knowing he's going to see that soon enough. At least until he turns out the light.

It'll be easier in the dark, when they can't see each other. They'll just touch and listen and and feel, so many sensations that Logan doesn't know how he's going to stand it; the kissing was crazy enough by itself.

The door opens behind him. "Hey."

Logan turns slowly to smile at James. "Hey."

Logan watches James close the door, lock it, and drop his dirty clothes and a few toiletries into his bag. He's wearing a black tank that shows off every single line of muscle, along with gray sweats. His hair is combed but wet and his face is pink from being scrubbed clean, and Logan thinks he's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. "You're gorgeous," he says softly with a tiny smile.

James answers with a small smile of his own, and his voice is soft as well when he speaks. "Hey, that's my line."

"If the shoe fits..."

James grins and sits down on the bed. "Oh, bouncy. But not squeaky, which is a good thing."

Logan knows he's trying to make light of the moment and loves him for it. "Yeah, we should still be careful. Stay quiet." He walks over to switch the light off and hears James sigh across the room. "Listen, if...I meant what I said. We don't have to do anything. I don't mind just...sleeping."

"Why don't you come over here and we'll just see what happens?"

Oh, that's the James Diamond he remembers from those first kisses in James' kitchen. James has obviously gotten over whatever it was that was holding him back. Now Logan feels a bit numb; this is gonna happen. He's not sure what exactly, but something definitely is. He hears movement in the dark and can just barely make out James. He steps closer and feels something soft drop onto his feet. "What the...did you just..."

"It's fine, I have boxers on. Don't freak out."

So it _was_ James' sweatpants he felt. But now James' legs are bare and Logan wonders what his skin feels like. "I wasn't freaking out."

"You so were."

"Maybe it was a good freakout."

"I'm hoping."

Yeah, James wants this. He's over any hesitation. Logan removes his own pajama pants slowly, the fear setting in but he wants this, he wants this so badly. His pants drop onto James' and he climbs onto his bed, sensing James moving back to give him room. James scoots up against the wall and Logan follows, kneeling in front of him. His eyes are accustomed to the dark enough for him to just make out James' shape but not much more.

James bends his legs to sit Indian-style before a hand wraps around Logan's forearm to pull him closer; Logan goes. His breathing is shallow but he's not so much afraid now as anxious. "You really are gorgeous, James."

"I know. I've heard that all my life. But hearing you say it? Makes me actually believe it."

Their voices are hushed and Logan loves this, loves listening to James speak in a way he doesn't to anyone else; somehow he just knows that Nikki never gets this side of James. "Can't believe you're here. In my house. In my room."

"In your bed?" James grins.

"Yeah, that too." They chuckle and James leans forward to kiss Logan once, just a soft peck on the lips. "It's just that one week ago I was still daydreaming about kissing you, thinking we'd never talk to each other. And now...we actually kissed today. You're staying at my house. It's weird."

"You daydreamed about kissing me?"

Logan rolls his eyes. Of course that's what James hears. "Duh. Like you didn't know."

"I hoped. Thought probably. Didn't know for sure."

"What made you talk to me that day? After so many years, what made you finally do it?"

"I don't know. I smiled at you and you were so cute, you got all red and your eyes got big and once you calmed down, you kept looking at me. Usually you look away but that day you didn't. You stared right back. And it seemed like you wanted to talk to me."

"I did. I just didn't know what to say. I felt like if I didn't talk to you then, it wasn't gonna happen, but I couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound lame."

"You could've just said 'hi.'"

"How lame is that? 'Hi, I'm Logan and we've never met but I have a major crush on you.'"

James shrugs. "Works for me. Because guess what?" He leans forward to whisper in Logan's ear. "I have a major crush on you, too."

Logan isn't sure if it's the words, the tone of voice, or the feel of James' breath in his ear, but it makes him shiver so violently he has to grip James' leg for support.

"You okay?" James whispers, but before Logan can answer his earlobe is caught between James' teeth and he gasps, fighting for air as his fingers dig deeper into James. "Tell me to stop and I will," James says softly, but Logan just shakes his head.

Logan's eyes fall closed as lips move down from his ear to his throat, warm and wet on his skin and again he's struggling for breath but rather than panic he pulls back enough to find James' lips with his own, as if somehow James will breathe the air back into him. James' hands come up to frame Logan's face, holding it there as he opens Logan's mouth with his own.

They kiss for what seems like hours, just tasting and nipping at each other and eventually Logan's hands find their way into James' hair, as they always seem to, and now James is the one gasping for air when fingers tug on the long strands. Logan doesn't know what it is about that, but it certainly seems to drive James wild enough to lose control, and this time is no different. James' hands wrap around Logan's waist to pull him forward, Logan not resisting at all, until Logan is on his lap and straddling James' hips and when they brush against each other just right, both of them let out a sudden rush of air that ends in that whiny sound.

Logan's shirt comes off and then James' lips are suctioned to his shoulder, Logan wrapping his arms around James' neck to keep him there as well as encourage him, hands quickly settling into James' hair again. He can't help but squirm when James sucks hard, and when he does that James bucks up slightly and _oh my God, that feels good. Oh my God. _Between the pressure to his shoulder, the fingers digging into his sides, and the sensation of James moving against him, Logan thinks this time he might actually die.

But he can't, not without James. If he's going down, he's taking James with him. He pulls back to lift James' shirt up and off, loving the "Logan, fuck!" that erupts from James' mouth when he fastens his lips to James' shoulder; Logan has come to recognize that exclamation as a sign that James is losing control and he wants that, wants James to not think about the image or how he looks and sounds, or especially about how much he misses his father. He just wants James to let down his guard, to forget about his pain and maybe not think at all.

James' hands run up Logan's back and it feels like flames shooting over his skin, everywhere James touches feels like fire and then his mouth is hot on Logan's and they're breathing each other in and James bucks up again as if he can't help himself and that's fine with Logan because he wants more of that, wants to feel that again and again like a hand stroking him. He thrusts forward and James moans into his mouth, so he does it again and James sounds like he's about to sob, his breathing ragged and desperate and it really is addicting, knowing he can make James fall apart like this.

He sets up a rhythm, bucking his hips against James over and over and James buries his face in Logan's neck, hands clawing into Logan's shoulders from behind as he gasps against Logan's skin. It's so good, Logan can barely stand how amazing it feels below the waist but he keeps going, needing James to go over the edge. Maybe there's a part of him that needs to know James is capable of dropping the mask altogether, or maybe more importantly _James _needs to know someone else is capable of _forcing_ him to drop it. Either way Logan isn't going to stop until James loses it-completely.

"Logan Logan Logan fuck Logan..."

Logan rocks harder, fighting to hold on himself now.

"Logan wait wait no-"

But it's too late, Logan couldn't stop now if he tried. "It"s okay," he whispers, "just let go, please for me oh God James fuck!"

With a loud gasp James loses it, whimpering into Logan's neck as he comes, letting out everything he's been holding inside for who knows how long. Logan holds onto him tight, arms wrapped around James and carrying him through it, kissing him down until James can breathe again, though shakily. James is hugging him like he's afraid Logan's going to disappear.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here. Right here."

"Didn't know..." James starts.

"What? Didn't know what?" 

"Didn't know you..." James takes in a deep breath and lets it out. "Didn't know you knew that word."

It takes Logan a second to catch up, but when he does he laughs softly. "Don't think I've ever said it before."

"So I make you cuss. Nice."

"Not nice. It's bad."

"I think it's great. Wonder what else I can make you do?"

"Uh oh. Now I'm scared."

"You should be."

Without warning Logan is on his back, James on top of him and trapping him to the bed. "Hey, whoa. Let's not get-"

"My turn."

A warm hand slips inside Logan's boxers and wraps around him. Logan's heart stops. "James, wait, I...I...oh God."

There's no more fight, just need as Logan thrusts up into James' hand because that feels so good he can't even think about asking James to slow down.

"Gorgeous," James whispers into his ear. "So hot and you don't even know it."

James knows just how to stroke him and it doesn't take long, soon enough Logan is the one desperate and ragged and whimpering and when he comes James is kissing him, taking it all in and giving it right back and Logan's jacked off before, it's natural to be curious and horny at his age, but it's nothing compared to doing it in front of someone, _because _of someone; and it's nothing compared to having James whisper that he's beautiful and amazing and perfect and he can't wait to do this again, they're going to do this every weekend and can he stay tomorrow night, too?

"I wish," Logan answers, pulling James close and kissing his hair. "We're going to see my uncle for the weekend. Leaving early tomorrow. We'll be back Sunday night."

James doesn't ask and Logan's glad because they both know the answer would be no, but it's nice to know James wants to invite himself along anyway.

"If you want to take another shower, I can move," James offers.

Logan only holds him tighter. James is right, they should clean up, because it's going to be gross when they wake up in the morning. Somehow he can't bring himself to move, though-not just yet. "I'm good."

"Really?"

"Really."

James lifts his head to look at Logan as well as he can in the dark. He kisses him slowly, drawing it out until they're both sighing. "Goodnight, Gorgeous."

Logan smiles. "Night, James."

James settles his head down on Logan's chest again. Logan closes his eyes and wishes the morning would never come.

He's just nodding off when a sound comes to him, soft and hesitant at first but growing in confidence as it continues.

"_People say I'm the life of the party because...I tell a joke or two. Although I might be laughing loud and hearty, deep inside I'm blue."_

Logan's arms wrap around James tighter as the words sink in and when James stops, Logan whispers, "Go on."

After a moment, James continues to sing. _"So take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks __out of place. If you look closer, it's easy to trace...the tracks of my tears."_

_Oh, James._ Logan feels close to tears himself, but overpowering all of that is a fierce need to keep James safe, to protect him from any more hurt or fear. He presses his lips to James' forehead as James starts to sing again.

"_I need you, need you. Since you left me if you see me with another girl, seeming like I'm having fun, although she may be cute she's just a substitute because you're the permanent one."_

Logan's heart is beating like thunder now as the lyrics hit home, and there's no way James chose this song randomly. Just no way.

"_Outside I'm masquerading, inside my hope is fading, just a clown oh yeah since you put me down. My smile is my make-up I wear since my break up with you..."_

_Not gonna happen. No break-up, not going anywhere, I don't care what happens when we leave here tomorrow and go back to school Monday, no way in Hell am I ever leaving you alone again._

When the voice dies away Logan kisses his hair. "Your voice is amazing," he says with emotion, trying not to let it overwhelm him.

"Think so? Not just saying that?"

"No. I wouldn't lie about that."

"Cool. Thanks."

There's not much more either can say without giving into the sudden rush of feelings, so Logan focuses on just keeping James close, holding the warm body against him. "Night, James."

"Night."

James is almost asleep when Logan speaks. "I'm here for you. Always."

"I know. You always have been."

"It's not gonna change. No matter what happens, whether we keep doing this or not. I'm here for you."

"Good."

There are no more words before sleep claims them.

XXXX


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands on Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them, but FF is being a jerk and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading. 333333

XXXXXXXX

They're awakened by a knock on the door.

"Boys, it's 7:30! Get moving!"

Logan opens his eyes to see the closet across from him, on his side with James wrapped around him from behind. He remembers how every time he moved in the night, James immediately shifted to get close again. With a huge grin he turns over to find sleepy eyes staring at him.

"Hey."

"Hey," James answers. He kisses the tip of Logan's nose. "No alarm?"

"Forgot to set it. Mind was on other things."

"Wow, I make you forget important stuff? That's pretty cool."

"Not cool. I was hoping we'd have time to kiss some more before we take you home."

"Aww, that does suck. Kissing you is my favorite thing to do."

"Better than looking at yourself in the mirror?" Logan teases.

"I'd look at you over me any day."

"Logan, are you boys up?"

"Yeah, Mom! Getting dressed!"

"Alright, I want to be on the road in thirty!"

"Got it!"

James kisses Logan's neck because it's there. "Do you often lie to your mother?"

"I don't. Like ever. You're a bad influence. Now get up before she tries the door and asks why it's locked."

"Okaaaaaaaaaay."

They get up and stretch, Logan cringing as he moves. "I need a shower." But he knows he can't, his mom would totally be suspicious then.

"Here." James pulls a pack of baby wipes out of his bag.

"What do you use these for?"

"All kinds of things. It works for this kind of...mess. Trust me."

That gets Logan's imagination going. He believes that James was telling the truth about not being with guys before, but that doesn't mean he hasn't been with Nikki. Or the fifty girls he's dated since sixth grade. There couldn't possibly be STD's to worry about, right? Not that they've really made it into STD territory, but that doesn't mean they won't get there. It amazes him that he's even in a position to worry about that with anyone, let alone James.

"You gonna use those? I need the bathroom, so let me take some with me."

"Oh, sorry. Here." Logan takes a few wipes before passing the package to James. "Hey."

James stops at the door.

"Have you been with a lot of girls?"

An eyebrow shoots up. "In what way?"

"Sex, James. Have there been a lot?"

James is obviously wondering where that question is coming from, but he only says, "I've never gotten into pants."

"Oh. Okay."

"At least until last night," James grins.

Logan blushes on cue, causing James to laugh.

"You are so adorable!"

"Go clean yourself up."

"Don't miss me too much."

"Get over yourself."

"You know you want me."

"You can walk home."

"You'd worry about me having sex with girls."

"Shut up! It was a legitimate question."

"You're jealous."

Of course James would miss the actual reason for his concern and assume it was jealousy talking. "Just go. I have to pee too, so hurry."

"Jeaaaalous," James sings before opening the door and slipping out, clean clothes and toiletries in hand.

It brings up a good point, though. Logan considers it as he puts the wipes to use. What's it going to be like watching James with Nikki? Seeing her kiss him, as Logan has witnessed numerous times, and it always resulted in longing on Logan's part. Now he doesn't have to imagine, now he knows what it's like to be kissed by James, and how will he control the jealousy that will surely overtake him?

_Just keep telling yourself you'll get your time with him after school. You'll get your kisses. Get your share of being called "gorgeous." And in two weeks, he won't have any reason to come over here anymore, so enjoy it while it lasts._

_"She's just a substitute because you're the permanent one."_

He wants to believe that, wants to believe that James meant it, but all James was really doing was singing a song. Maybe Logan read too much into it. It felt real at the time, after everything they'd shared, but in the light of day it all feels impossible.

_Just be his friend, Logan. He needs that more than anything. If he wants more, give it. Otherwise just be there when he needs you._

"Logan?"

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Where does James live?"

Logan tosses the wipes into the trash before opening the door. "Not far. Uptown."

"You're not even dressed!"

"I'm getting there, geez!"

"Was thinking we can stop for breakfast on the way, but maybe we'll do that before we take James home. Any idea if his mom is home?"

"I don't know. It's the weekend, she might be."

"Well, let's play it safe and get him fed."

"I'm worried about him, Mom. I know he'll be fine, but...this divorce bothers him a lot more than he lets on."

"Of course it does. And if I'd known ahead of time, we could've asked Uncle Ted and brought James along, but we only have the three tickets for the baseball game."

"I know." Logan smiles thinking of how Uncle Ted is always taking him to sporting events in an effort to "stave off the gay" in the absence of a father figure. Poor Ted, it was a lost cause the moment James first looked at him in kindergarten. The fascination was there from the start.

"Next weekend we'll stay home. Maybe we can do a movie, have game night. Invite James over, okay? See if his Mom wants to come, too."

Yeah, that'll never happen. Still, Logan is thrilled that his mother wants to include James in their family time. "Okay, cool. Thanks, Mom."

"Now hurry. You know how Ted bitches when we have to rush."

"Alright. Thanks. Be out soon." Feeling better at the prospect of spending more time with James next weekend, Logan opens his closet. There's no guarantee James will say yes, but when Logan remembers how happy he looked playing Wii with his mom, he's pretty sure it will be a yes.

XXXXXX

With Joanna rushing them, there's not even time for a quick kiss before they're out the door. Logan expects a drive-thru for breakfast but she takes them inside the fast-food place, and Logan figures out why soon enough. As they sit at the table, arms and legs touching as much as they dare, she grills James about his home life.

Logan feels like he should get her to back off again, but the truth is he wants to know more, too, and James honestly doesn't seem to mind opening up to her, which surprises Logan. He lets James talk and doesn't learn much more than he already knows, except that James is an only child and his mother does, in fact, work weekends.

The thought of James home alone all weekend kills Logan and he passes a meaningful glance to his mom, knowing it won't work but he can't help trying.

"James, you're welcome to come with us to my brother's for the weekend, if your mom is okay with that."

Logan can't believe he's hearing it. With wide eyes he turns to James, who is turning to him in disbelief.

"Would uh...would that be okay with you, Logan?"

"Duh! We only have three tickets to-"

"James can have mine. I'll catch up with your aunt while you _men_ go have fun."

James is absolutely beaming, and Logan could not love his mother more than he does in this moment.

"I...are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Joanna grins. "Call your mom."

There's no need, though, because James' phone rings as he's reaching for it. "Oh. That's her right now."

"Cool!" Logan smiles, excited now. He's gonna get two more days with James. One more whole night. How did this even happen? Yesterday morning they hadn't even kissed yet!

"Well, Logan's mom in-no, we're on our way, stopped for breakfast but-I guess about twenty minutes but Mom-"

James' voice trails off and Logan knows, sees it on his face. It's not happening.

"Right. Okay. See you soon. Bye." He disconnects the call and pushes his food away, not looking at either of them. "I have to go home."

The hardest thing about all this is going to be moments like this, when James needs him, needs his comfort and he can't give it. He has to fold his hands in his lap to keep from throwing his arms around James. "I'm sorry. She wants you home?"

"Yeah. She's staying home."

"Wow. Maybe I was right. Maybe this will bring you closer."

"Maybe." But James doesn't sound like he believes it or even wants that.

"Well, James, you're welcome anytime. You're family now, okay?"

James nods, finally looking up at Joanna. "Thanks. That means a lot."

"Let's get you home."

Logan thinks about getting James into the bathroom so they can talk about this for a minute, but his mom is in rush mode. The ride to James' house is mostly silent, neither of them wanting to say goodbye after coming so close to having more time together.

"Can I walk him in, Mom?"

Again he expects to be shot down but his mom surprises him by assenting. "Just don't take too long."

"Got it." Logan follows James up the walk. "So she's home?"

"Said she was."

"I can't believe Mom was gonna let you come with us!"

"Me either. It would've been cool."

James sounds so down. It makes Logan want to hug him again but he can't. The door is unlocked and Logan steps into the foyer with James, who stops and finally faces him. "What about next weekend?"

"Mom already said I could invite you over. She wants to do movies and a game night. It's lame but-"

"It's not lame, it's awesome! So we're doing this again, right? Next Friday we can-"

"If your mom will let you, you can stay the whole weekend."

James bites his lip, thinking about that as he stares into Logan's eyes. Logan finally has to look away, face hot because he knows exactly what part of last night James is thinking about.

"Can I uh...get your number?"

And why does James suddenly sound so shy? Logan finds it intriguing how James can be so confident most of the time, but then he gets hit with a case of nerves and turns almost bashful. Again, he knows this is a side of James that nobody else gets to see. "Of course! I can't believe we haven't done that yet. What's your number?" Logan presses the digits James rattles off, then places the call. Immediately James' phone rings. He answers it and the two of them have a silly little phone conversation as they grin at each other.

"James, is that you?"

Logan freezes. So James' mom is definitely home, and he supposes that's a good thing, but James certainly doesn't look too thrilled.

"Yeah, Mom. I'll be right there."

A statuesque brunette comes around the corner and into the foyer. She's dressed as if to go out, hair and make-up perfectly in place, which seems odd; James said she wasn't going to work.

"Uh, this is Logan."

James has a hard time even looking into his mother's eyes. Logan puts on a smile and reaches out a hand. "Hello, Mrs. Diamond."

"Hello, Logan. I hear you're tutoring my son?"

"Yes, ma'am. He's doing pretty well."

"Good, because he needs to get into college for a business degree. He's going to run my company someday." She smiles at James, who again doesn't really meet her eyes.

"He's smart, Mrs. Diamond. Just needs someone to explain things on his terms."

"Whatever it takes. Thank you for helping him."

"It's not a problem. I uh...better get out there, Mom's waiting."

"Oh, your mother's here? I need to meet her." Without another word Mrs. Diamond saunters past them and out the door.

"Well. That's Mom."

Logan nods slowly, wanting nothing more than to throw James over his shoulder caveman-style and run with him to the car. "Call me, okay? If you want to talk or whatever. Can't sleep or..."

"Just miss you?" James smirks.

"That works, too," Logan grins.

James pushes the door closed and locks it, then steps forward to pull Logan in for a deep kiss that leaves them both breathless. "Been wanting to do that all morning."

"Yeah. Okay. I should uh..."

"Yeah. Monday?"

"Right. Bus. See you then."

"Thank you. For letting me stay, for last night, for...everything."

"Sure, of course."

"Have fun with your uncle."

"Yeah."

It's obvious neither wants to say goodbye, but when they hear heels clicking on the walkway James reaches over and unlocks the door. "You can call me too, you know. If you miss me."

"Deal."

They step away from each other just before the door opens. "See ya, Logan."

"Later, James."

XXXX

There is one phone call, but it's brief because there are moms present. Logan calls James Sunday night on the way home to check up on him. He says things are fine and Logan believes him, but he can tell James is happy to hear from him and it leaves him smiling.

Tomorrow is going to be tough, but he can't wait to see James anyway.

XXXXXXX

James greets him with a huge smile as he scoots over. "Hey."

"Hey! So it went okay?"

"It was fine."

"James, talk to me."

"Dude, really. It was fine. How was it at your uncle's?"

"Fine, we had fun. Wish you'd been there, though."

"Yeah, me too."

"So did she get all mom-like on you?"

"No, she just...was there. Which was weird. I mean, we had lunch together and she tried to talk to me but she doesn't even know me anymore so it was awkward. After that she left me alone, just worked from home."

"What did you do?"

James shrugs. "TV. Video games. Studied."

Logan's eyes widen. "You didn't."

"I totally did. Ask me what the Pythagorean theorem is. I dare you."

Oh, James is so precious when he's proud and trying not to show it. "Tell me about the Pythagorean theorem."

"It has to do with triangles. But only right triangles."

"And what are those?"

"Triangles with two sides meeting at a ninety-degree angle."

Logan beams. "Look at you. Genius in the making."

"I'm so gonna pass those midterms."

"You so are. But there's a lot more to learn, okay? Don't think you know everything yet."

"I know. Just keep teaching me."

"I will. Is it still okay for you to come over after school? Stay for dinner and stuff?"

"I told her I was going. It's not like it matters, she's not home anyway."

"Okay, just making sure. My mom was really cute about you. She was worried, told me to call you last night."

"Aww. Your mom rocks."

"She does. Said your mom scared her a little bit."

James laughs. "Yeah, Mom scares everyone."

"Are we here already? I swear this ride gets shorter every day."

"It does."

They stand up and move to the back door. "So regular bus time?"

"Yeah. I have basketball practice tomorrow but for today, regular time."

"Okay. Later."

"See ya." James steps off the bus and Nikki is waiting. She drags him away, babbling about her weekend and this time Logan keeps close behind them as they walk, listening. He notes that she never once asks about him or how his weekend was. Shaking his head, Logan walks past them when they stop with their clique.

What does he see in her? She doesn't even seem to care about him. He supposes it's all about the image, that James is supposed to date her because she's the popular one, but she's all wrong for James. If he has to have a girlfriend, he should at least have one who cares about him, who can be there for him when Logan can't.

As usual, he glances back before entering the library. James' eyes are on him and Logan smiles, wondering if later James will wait until the door is closed before attacking him with a kiss. He hopes so, because he doesn't plan on stopping the kiss for at least two minutes.

He almost misses it as he turns away, but does a double-take because he could swear he saw James purse his lips into a kiss. When James laughs and winks at him, he knows he was right.

_James Diamond. You're gonna kill me._

XXXXXX

"Hey."

James is grinning, it's the first time Logan has seen him do that since they parted ways this morning. "Hey. How was your day?"

"Long. I thought school would never end."

"Me too."

"So we had a pop quiz in math. I didn't ace it, but I did okay. Miss Oxford was impressed."

"That's great! Dude, I am so proud of you!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"How proud?"

It's a low whisper in Logan's ear and just like that he can't breathe. James always does this to him. He licks his lips and looks away.

"Weird, now the ride seems to be taking forever. Funny how that works."

Logan shakes his head. "You're horrible."

"You love it."

Yeah, they won't even make it to Logan's bedroom. Why is this bus so slow? Why are there so many stops?

"How was your day?"

"Mine? It was good. Fine. Nothing special."

"You're so wound up, look at you!"

"Oh, like you're not?"

"I hide it well."

"You and your damn mask."

"It works. Nobody bothers me."

"I bother you."

"In so many ways."

"Horrible." But Logan is grinning now too. "Oh look, we're here." He leads James off the bus and they walk the few blocks to Logan's house, filling each other in on the rest of their day and discussing what James needs to focus on this afternoon. By the time they get there, Logan's mind is on a study plan and how to best communicate today's lessons to James, so much so that when the door is closed and James presses him up against it, he gasps in surprise.

The shock only lasts a moment, though. When James kisses him he responds eagerly, fingers tangling in James' hair as the contents of his backpack press into his back but he barely feels it. All he can feel are those lips on his, the tongue in his mouth, the hands wrapped around the straps of his backpack that pull him closer while James' body presses him back. Somehow James manages to lift him up so his feet are off the floor, James holding him in place with his hips and Logan's legs automatically wrap around James' waist as James rocks into him.

Logan had already decided there would be no real making out until study was done, and then only if there was time before dinner. James obviously has other ideas and is Logan really surprised? "Wait, James, ohhh God I love that but-"

"Waited all day. Missed you."

Lips on him again, this time on his neck and if James gives him a hickey that would be bad, right? Mom would definitely ask questions then. "We need to...okay. Okay. Thirty minutes. We get thirty minutes. I'm gonna time it."

"Of course you are. You're so weird." James backs off slowly, eyes glazed.

"Can I at least get my backpack off, animal?"

"You loved it." He takes Logan's hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom, where they decompress from the school day by shedding backpacks, overshirts, and shoes, leaving each in jeans and a t-shirt. "Can I attack you now?"

"Hang on." Logan pulls out his phone and calls his mother to let her know he's home safe, then sets the alarm on his phone. "Twenty-five minutes. If we finish your homework early, we can uh...kiss some more."

"Deal." James sets his phone next to Logan's on the nightstand, then lays back on the pillows and reaches for Logan. Logan goes, letting James pull him down over him and sinking down between James' open legs. Of course James is hard, but as Logan is too, he can't complain.

They kiss for more than half of the allotted time; neither can get enough of the others' lips and why does school have to last so long anyway? They should just be allowed to spend all day like this, forgetting about real life and exploring each other. James' hands slide up under the shirt to rub Logan's back and eventually the shirt comes off. Once the pale skin is exposed James moves his mouth to Logan's shoulder and the lazy mood shifts into something a little more desperate because Logan had forgotten how good it feels to have his skin sucked on. Definitely going to be a hickey there, but it's okay because his shirts will cover it. His hands go to James' hair and the harder he tugs, the harder James sucks until Logan is moving in a rhythm against him, unable to control his hips. James groans and thrusts up in time with Logan, who wonders how it's possible to feel so many sensations at once without dying.

James flips him onto his back, kissing him hard while fumbling with the button and zipper of his jeans and Logan didn't plan for it to go this far right now but he can't stop James, doesn't even want to, and it's not like his mom will be home anytime soon. His right hand comes up between them to unfasten James' pants as well, and James' eyes widen in surprise. Logan only smiles and continues to unzip James, whose eyes do this weird darkening thing before he kisses Logan again. One hand in James' hair, the other working its way into James' pants as James kneels over him, and this day could not be better, or so Logan thinks until James reaches into his boxers and strokes, and damn he'd forgotten just how amazing that is, too. With a whine into James' mouth he returns the gesture, having no idea what he's supposed to be doing exactly but when his hand wraps around James, James seems to come alive, writhing and moaning and almost sobbing again and Logan wants to make that happen for the rest of his life. It's truly addicting, causing this sort of a reaction and responding in a similar way as James strokes him. He uses James' breathing and sounds to guide him, telling him what James likes, and knows he's doing fine when a whiny "Logan, fuck!" escapes those beautiful lips. They're going to make a mess again, and in the future they should probably remove pants and boxers if they're going to do this, but for now neither really cares about anything except getting off, the sooner the better.

"You make me crazy," James whines, "you always make me crazy like this!"

"You love it," Logan purrs, and James responds with a chuckle that immediately turns into a harsh gasp as he closes in on his orgasm. "Fuck, Logan, yes, fuck!"

Not much thought on either part after that, both of them whimpering and stroking each other faster until they combust, James collapsing onto Logan as their hearts race like wild horses in their chests. They're still trying to catch their breaths when the alarm goes off, and both laugh. "Perfect timing," Logan comments.

"I rushed it just in case. I know you would've stopped right in the middle if that alarm went off."

Logan highly doubts that, but he's not going to tell that to James; better if James remains a slave to the time limits. "That wasn't supposed to happen today."

"No?"

"Nope. We're only supposed to kiss during the week. Serious make-outs are for the weekend."

"Oh, there are rules to this? Of course there are, you're Logan Mitchell."

"Somebody has to keep us on track."

"Mmm, if you say so." James kisses him lazily, but Logan breaks it up soon enough.

"Come on. Two hours to do our homework."

"Then can we kiss some more?"

"If we get done in time. Better focus."

James sighs but really he doesn't mind it; he knows there will be time later to do his favorite thing in the world.

XXXX

Tackling both math and English in one day makes for a longer study session and they keep going all the way up until 7:30, when Logan finally stops to start dinner. He's proud of James, though, who kept at it and only tried to distract him with kisses twice. Well, three times if you count that sneak attack on Logan's neck when James returned from the bathroom. That one almost undid Logan's resistance but he stood firm, standing up to move away in order to regain his composure before ordering James back to work.

Dinner is easy enough tonight, a tuna casserole that Logan has prepared numerous times, and he realizes that he loves to teach James how to cook, even something as simple as a casserole. The spaghetti was fun, too, or maybe it's just being around James and laughing with him, watching him smile and relax. He's checking to see if the casserole is done when he feels lips on his neck again and sighs, leaning back into it even though it's a really bad idea because his mom will be home any minute. "We gotta stop, James. Mom's almost home."

"That's why I'm sneaking it in now. Once she gets here, we won't have any time at all to do this." James spins him around and kisses him.

Logan allows it for a minute, not wanting to stop any more than James does, but finally pulls back. "We can't take any chances. Don't want to get caught."

"I know, me either but...you're so hot, Logan. I just want to attack you all the time!"

"I think I liked it better when you were afraid of me," Logan teases.

"What? I was never afraid of you."

"Oh, you so were."

"Uh...no."

"James, it's okay, you obviously got over it."

"When was I afraid of you?"

"How about Friday night, in my bedroom? When I said we would sleep in the bed?"

"Please. It was my idea."

"Dude, you were terrified!"

"No, I wasn't."

"Yeah, you kinda were."

"No, Logan. _I wasn't._"

Logan studies James, surprised at the angry tone. "It's not a big deal, I was scared, too."

"I was not afraid."

"Okay. Sorry. But I mean, if you were, it's alright-"

"Will you just stop? What would I have to be afraid of?"

"I..." Logan wishes he'd never said anything. "I don't know. You just seemed really uncomfortable. Like you were-" He stops himself from using the words "scared" or "afraid" and settles on "-uneasy with it."

"I wasn't."

"Fine."

"Okay."

Why is this a big deal? What's even stranger is that James seems afraid to consider that he was scared in the first place. Is this some macho side of James he hasn't seen yet? Whatever it is, he hates that he upset James, even if James is being ridiculous. "Can I check the casserole without you attacking me again?"

It takes a moment, but James eventually backs down into a smile. "I suppose."

"Thank you. Step aside."

"Boys? I'm home!"

"Hi, Mom!" they chorus together, and Logan grins. James really does need to just move in already.

XXXXX

Tuesday is taken up with the basketball game. As this one is away, Logan is sure he won't be able to go, but when his mother hears about the game she tells Logan if he doesn't mind arriving a little late (or being seen in public with her), she'd be more than happy to go with him to cheer James on. Logan had filled her in over the weekend on what it's like at James' home (as much as he knew, anyway), and she knows that his mother certainly wouldn't attend. The look on James' face when she offers breaks Logan's heart again; there are actual tears in his eyes and he has to excuse himself from the table to "use the bathroom."

"Oh gosh, did I overstep my bounds?"

"No, Mom. He's overwhelmed, I think. That a parent would want to go see him play. You did great."

"Do you mind me going? If you do, just say so."

"I don't mind. I think it would mean the world to James for both of us to be there."

"Good. I'll try to leave a little earlier, but it depends on the couple I'm showing a house to tomorrow night. Hoping they won't keep me waiting again."

"The game starts at 7:30, so try to make sure you're home by seven?"

"I will. How's he doing on his homework?"

"Really good. Mom, he got a B- on his math test today. That's the best he's ever done. And he's picking up the new stuff, too. He still has trouble with English, but I think he'll do well enough to at least pass."

"That's all that matters. If he does well on these tests, are you still gonna tutor him?"

"I don't know. It's up to him. If he wants me to, I will."

"It's nice to see you with a friend, Logan. I know you've always preferred to keep to yourself, but James is good for you. Your confidence is higher."

"Mom, stop."

"I know, I know, I'm embarrassing you. But he's not the only one doing better for this friendship. I've noticed how much more you laugh now."

"I can't help it, he's ridiculous."

"I heard that!" James comes around the corner with an eyebrow raised. "Care to explain how I'm ridiculous?"

"I uh...meant that in the best way possible."

"Hmm. Lucky I need you to pass my classes, or I'd be gone by now."

"Sure you would."

James grins at Logan, who grins right back, and yeah, maybe they're both a little ridiculous.

XXXX


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands on Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them, but FF is being a jerk and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading. 333333

XXXX

The remainder of the week passes in a similar fashion, other than the basketball game (which the team wins by a huge margin). There are bus rides that go too fast and school days that seem to drag until they can be alone for their daily timed make-out sessions. Logan doesn't even try to keep it from going further than kissing except when he knows his mother will be home soon; otherwise the pants seem to come off a little earlier each day and when Friday finally rolls around, they barely make it to the bedroom before they're clawing at each others' jeans. This time there is no alarm set as they have the entire weekend for homework (James' mom had no problem with him staying until Sunday, which doesn't surprise Logan at all), and they take their time in Logan's bed, knowing they're safe until at least six.

"Don't forget, Mom's getting home early today for the movies."

"Door locked?"

"Yep."

"Then we're fine."

It's still not a good idea for his mom to find them locked in the bedroom, but as there's only a slight chance his mother would get home before six, he doesn't worry about it; when James kisses him like that, there's not much that tends to bother him at all.

Joanna lets the boys pick the movie, buying them whatever food and candy they want and hoping it won't throw them into a sugar coma. It's the first time they've ever gone out in public together, and Logan wonders if James is worried about being seen with him. Maybe it's because they're not in his neighborhood, but James doesn't seem concerned in the slightest. They share the popcorn and candy and giggle through a lot of the movie because it's so bad, Joanna shaking her head and shushing them at least ten times.

They go out for pizza afterward, then stop to rent some video games on the way home. By the time they get there it's after eleven but knowing they can sleep in, they camp out in the living room and stay up half the night virtually battling each other, Joanna joining the party until one, when she can't keep her eyes open any longer. The boys make it until three, and when Logan starts to make stupid mistakes on the game, James knows it's time for sleep.

"Come on, let's go to bed." James saves the game and shuts everything off before pulling Logan up.

"Okay." Logan yawns as he stands, allowing James to lead him down the hallway to the bedroom. He locks the door and strips down to his boxers, James doing the same before climbing into bed with him. Logan immediately scoots over into James, who kisses his hair before snuggling in tighter.

It's two minutes before Logan can't stand it anymore. "Why aren't you attacking me?"

"What?" James laughs. "I thought you were tired."

"Of course I am, but hello! We get all night in bed, we shouldn't waste it!"

"Damn, Logan! I totally turned you into an animal!"

"Less talking, more kissing!"

"You are so adorable." James reaches under the covers to slide Logan's boxers down, Logan lifting up slightly to make it easier. "One week and you're practically begging me for kisses. How did this happen?"

"You know how." Logan feels James sliding his own boxers down. He kisses James' neck with a smile. "You got me addicted to you. To this," he adds as he wraps his hand around James.

"Mmm, I love that. Probably more than I should."

"Probably."

"Sure you're not too tired? We can just go to sleep, you know," James teases.

"Yeah, you're right. I really am." Logan turns over onto his side, back to James. "Goodnight."

It's a good five seconds before James reacts. "Are you fucking crazy? Get over here!"

Logan laughs, loving the way James rolls him over and traps him to the bed. "You offered."

"I was trying to be nice. But you started it, so now you have to finish it."

"Oh, I'll finish you alright."

"I was done the moment you walked into that classroom at Jackson."

"In kindergarten?"

"Yep. I remember the first time I ever saw you. You had a brown bag when everyone else had a cool lunchbox. And you had on this really big coat, like your mom was afraid you'd drown and needed a floatation device. And your hair was combed all perfect, except for that one piece in back that kept sticking up."

"You...remember all that?"

"Never forget it. What I remember most is how scared you looked."

"We were all scared."

"Yeah, but you were terrified. I probably would've said hi to you that day but I was worried you'd crap your pants if anyone tried to talk to you."

"I...probably would've," Logan blushes.

"So adorable," James whispers, and when he kisses Logan it's not so much hungry as sweet. His lips linger over Logan's. "We lost so much time."

"I know. We should've talked sooner."

"I don't think you were ready."

"Maybe. Still hate that I was so afraid to even say hello to you. I remember in fifth grade, when we almost got to be partners. Remember that?"

"I was so pissed that day. You were there, you were actually walking over to me and about to speak, and then my mom had to ruin everything."

"You were gone for two weeks. I thought you'd never come back, was afraid you'd moved."

"We had to go to some conference thing for my mom's work. We all went, it's the last real family time I can remember. Once she learned all that marketing stuff, she went crazy and just worked like all the time."

"I'm sorry." Logan kisses the corner of James' lips and smiles when James sighs.

"I really love your lips."

"Yours aren't so bad either."

"I remember our freshman dance. How I kept looking for you, all night I kept looking but you weren't there."

"I don't do dances."

"You will now."

"Nope."

"Sure you will. The winter ball is next Friday and we're going."

Logan's heart stops. Is he...is James... "What?"

"We're going. I'm going to be Winter King."

"Okay..."

"So you have to go, too. To see me get my crown."

"Right." Of course. "But I'm not going."

"You are, too. We're gonna find you a date."

Logan closes his eyes, a little sick to his stomach. "No."

"Yes."

"James, I really don't want to go to a dance."

"Yes, you do, you're just scared. It'll be fun."

"No, I really don't."

"Do it for me. I want you to be there."

Logan shakes his head, pushing James off him.

"Come on, you need to have a girl date anyway."

"Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

"Logan, don't. Just think about it."

"No, James! I don't want to go to a dance with some...girl!"

"You need to. I mean, you've never even kissed a girl."

"So?"

"So you need to. At least come to the dance. I'll help you get a date. I want you there to see me win. Please, Logan."

_Oh, like I want to watch you dancing with Nikki all fucking night? No thanks. Just no thanks._ "I'm sure there will be pictures."

"Please. Be there for me. I need you there."

And he doesn't even get it, doesn't even understand how much it kills Logan every time James touches Nikki. At first it wasn't so bad, he knew he'd have James all to himself after school, but over the past week it's become harder and harder to witness, to watch them together and even see them kiss twice and both times it's made Logan want to throw up. He knew this, knew from the beginning James didn't want anything serious with him, but that doesn't mean it's easy to watch James with someone else. "I can't."

"Sure you can, your mom will be happy you have a date."

How can he be so stupid? How can he not get this, that Logan has fallen in love with him, has been in love with him for ten years without even realizing it until freshman year? And how can he not love Logan in return? Yeah, that's what hurts the most. Knowing that James cares about him but not enough to make it official, not enough to love him. "James, please. Not now."

"But time is short. We have one week to get you a date and teach you how to dance."

Logan doesn't answer, hating the tears that are springing to his eyes.

"Please, Logan. Please. I need you to be there."

It's so rare for James to beg like that, to show in any way that he needs someone, and Logan knows how much this means to James from that alone. "We won't even be there together. I mean, we won't even talk."

"So what? We never have. But I'll know you're there. I'll be able to see you. See you smile when I win."

_And I'll see you dance in that spotlight with Nikki. Maybe he won't notice if I slip out as soon as they start dancing._ "Nobody would want to go with me."

"Kendra would."

"Kendra?"

"Yeah, that blonde in American history? She's been checking you out all week."

"I'm sure it's your imagination."

"Uh, no. Trust me. She watches you all the time. She even smiled at you and said hello yesterday, remember?"

Logan does, vaguely, though of course all of his attention had been on James at the time. "So?"

"So, she's into you. I can tell. I think you should ask her."

"I have no skills with girls."

"That's what I'm here for. I'm going to teach you how to ask her out, and when she says yes, I'll teach you how to dance and be a good date."

"Dude, I'm sure she won't say yes. I mean...who would?"

"_She_ will. I promise. I can tell by the way she's been watching you. I told you, you're gorgeous."

"You're biased."

"I don't even know what that means."

"It means you love me, so you think I'm gorgeous when I'm not." _Except you don't love me. And you never will, not the way I want you to._

"You're totally gorgeous. And Kendra agrees."

"Whatever." Logan turns onto his side, away from James.

"Trust me. She's gonna say yes. And you're gonna ask her Monday."

"You know, I really don't want to do this."

"I know." James pulls Logan back against him, arm wrapped around Logan's waist. "But I need you. Please."

The words break his heart because it's everything he wants to hear, but not in the way he wants to hear it. A tear runs from slowly from each eye, dripping down onto the pillow.

"Please, Logan."

"Okay," he whispers.

James doesn't try to attack him, and Logan doesn't ask him to. Instead he falls into a troubled sleep filled with nightmares about not getting to James in time to say goodbye before he disappears.

XXXXXX

Logan wakes before James the next morning, surprised that he was able to sleep in until ten, more surprised that his mother didn't try to wake them up. Hopefully she didn't try the door and find it locked. He slips out of James' arms and finds his boxers, adding a t-shirt before grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the bathroom.

There's a note on the mirror. His mother has gone shopping with her best friend and will be out until at least three; there are donuts in the kitchen if they're hungry. He smiles, again thinking how lucky he is to have a mother who cares.

His thoughts turn melancholy in the shower as he remembers the conversation from the night before. James wants him to go out with a girl. How can it not bother him, the idea of Logan kissing someone else? It absolutely kills Logan every time he thinks about James doing that. It just goes to show how differently they think of each other, how much more Logan reads into James' feelings than what are actually there. When James sang that song to him, he was so sure, so confident that James felt it too and that he was trying to tell Logan not to worry, that he would always be the one at James' side no matter what—the permanent one. And maybe that's true, maybe James does plan to keep him around, but for how long? Until they graduate? Until he gets married? At some point it's going to stop, James is going to take that step toward his future and away from Logan, and it's better if Logan realizes that now. He needs to not be so wrapped up in James, so that when it happens, he'll be ready. He needs a distraction, needs someone else to focus on because in just one short week, James has become his whole world in a way that's a little scary if James doesn't return his feelings.

_He's right. Try a girl. You might like it. Maybe more than a guy. Maybe more than James._

Somehow he doubts this, knows in his heart that James has always been the one for him, but he fights it anyway because things won't stay this way forever; one day James will find the girl he wants to marry, one he can truly love who will be there for him the way Logan is, and when that happens Logan will no longer be needed. James probably hasn't even made it that far in his head, but Logan is able to see the future and knows it's coming. They can't do this forever. One day things will change and when they do, Logan has to be ready.

So okay. Kendra. Logan thinks about her, trying to remember everything he knows about her, and it's not much. She's pretty. She's smart. She has a nice smile. What in the world would she possibly see in him?

_You're gorgeous._ Logan hears it in his head, hears it just the way James said it that first time, when Logan was sitting on James' bed and terrified that James was going to touch him. It makes him a little sad.

_Enough. You have to get over James. _Logan doesn't know how he's going to do that with James attacking him every second, but again—he'll just enjoy it while it lasts. And he'll have these memories to keep him warm for the rest of his life. There's a part of him that fears graduation, fears them going their separate ways, because James has been there for as long as he can remember. James has always been there, in the distance but within reach. How will he ever make it through college without James smiling at him, giving him that confidence boost when he needs it, telling him he's gorgeous?

_Oh, grow up, Logan. Life isn't a fairytale and it's certainly not like your fantasies. You'll move on, find a woman to love, and forget all about-_

_No. I will never forget him. No question in my mind, I will never forget James Diamond and how his lips feel, how his touch feels, the sound he makes when I pull his hair. I will never forget the way he smiles at me from across the room, how his face lights up every time I walk onto that bus. _

_Okay, so don't forget. Just learn to live without it. That I can do._

_But not today. Today I still have him and I'm going to hold on tight as long as I can._

XXXXX

James is lying in bed staring at the ceiling when Logan opens the door. He turns onto his side and smiles at Logan. "Where did you go? You left me," he pouts.

"Shower. Didn't get one last night.'

"Hmm. Didn't _need _one last night. This is a problem we should fix soon."

Logan laughs, shaking his head. "Always horny."

"Only for you."

_Quit it. Quit saying things like that if you don't mean it._ "Mom's gone for the afternoon. If you're hungry, there's donuts. Or we could cook breakfast."

"She's gone? We're alone?"

"You just woke up. Give yourself some time before you attack me."

"I don't need time. I just need you."

_Fucking...James, knock it off!_ "Well, I'm hungry. Let's go eat and talk about the dance. I'm kind of excited about it now."

"You are? Really?"

"Yeah. Nervous, but I think it'll be cool, you know?"

"Right. It will. But can we talk about it after we make out?"

"No. Food first. I'm going to eat, you can shower or join me, I don't care."

Logan spins around and leaves the room, trying not to think about the hurt he saw in James' eyes just before walking away.

XXXXX

"There's not much to it. You just say 'Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me.'"

"Yeah, you make it sound so easy. I've never even really talked to her."

"Trust me. She likes you. She's gonna say yes."

"Did you...pay her or something?"

"What?" James reaches for another donut. "What are you talking about?"

"To go with me? You would totally do something like that."

"You know, I probably would, if I thought you needed that. But you don't. I promise. I don't know Kendra, haven't even spoken to her before."

"Is she a friend of Nikki's?"

"Nope. She's not the type of person Nikki hangs out with."

Logan frowns. "I'm just nervous."

"I know you are. But I'll be there, okay? I'll make sure to be around, give you signals. Like if it's going okay, give you a signal to ask. Or abort. Just in case."

"We're gonna have signals?"

"Sure. I'll stand like...behind her some. And listen. And watch her face as you talk to her. If she seems receptive, I'll give you the go-ahead to ask her."

"I don't know..."

"Logan, I'm telling you. Monday in class, watch her. Just look at her when you walk in, make a point to smile at her. I guarantee she'll smile back. And after class you can go for it."

"What if she says no?"

James shrugs. "Then she says no. There are other girls. It would make things a lot easier if she says yes, though."

"I guess."

"So what changed your mind?"

"About?"

"The dance. Kendra."

Logan shrugs and stands up from the table, trying not to think about kissing James as he approaches the refrigerator. "I thought about everything you said."

"And?"

"Like you said. I should get out there and date girls, right? Try kissing them and stuff." He spins around. "More juice?"

James is looking at him with that unreadable expression again, the one Logan has come to know as his "thinking face."

"Juice?"

"Yeah. Wait, no. We need to practice your dancing."

"Now? We should do homework first."

"No, we can do that later, when your mom gets home. She might find it a little weird to walk in and see us dancing together."

"True," Logan grins.

"Come on." James takes him by the hand to the bedroom. He clears their bookbags out of the way and closes the door, giving them some room to move. "Turn on the radio."

Logan reaches back and locks the door, taking no chances, before crossing the room. "What station?"

"Just find one that has music we can slow-dance to."

"Okay." Logan plays with the stereo for a minute. "This work?"

"It'll do. Now come here."

He spins around to find James standing in the center of the room, arms reaching out. Logan goes gladly, needing to feel James close to him.

"Okay. Most people dance like this." James slides his arms around Logan's waist, pulling him close.

"Is she really going to be this close to me?"

James frowns. "Well, she might...wait, no. You're the guy. So hands on my waist." James places Logan's hands there. "Let her decide how close to stand. You barely know her, so hopefully she won't be all over you."

Logan raises his eyebrows. "Hopefully she won't? I thought that was a good thing."

"I...of course it is. I just mean it would be awkward for you. Since you're so scared of girls."

"It would be strange. Why am I doing this again?"

"So I don't have to go to the dance alone."

"Please. Nikki will be there."

"Like she counts?"

"Dude, she's your girlfriend. Don't you even like her?"

"We're not talking about me right now, we're talking about you."

"You should _like_ your girlfriend, James. Why are you even with her if you don't?"

"You want me to break up with her?"

Logan's stomach drops out of his body. He stares at James, praying his eyes don't show the desperation. "Do you...want to?"

"Not really. I need her, especially for the dance."

"That's not really fair to her. To use her like that."

"Like she's not with me for the same reasons? She doesn't care about me. Never even asks about me or my family."

Logan tilts his head, considering that. James actually has a point there. "So why would you date someone who doesn't care? Who you don't even like?"

"You know why. I have to be popular. I have to know how to hang with the in-crowd. Because when I'm famous, I'll have to fit in. And I've been thinking about it. I'm not doing hockey next semester. I'm going into drama instead. Even if it's not something the cool kids do."

"You are? That's great!"

"Yeah, now that Dad's gone, I can do what I want. Probably try out for the spring musical, too."

"James, that's awesome! You'll totally make it, too." Logan hugs James tight, beaming. "So proud of you. It's gonna be great." He kisses James' ear because it's there, happy that James is finally doing what he wants to do.

James' lips find his neck and he lets out a surprised sound before sinking into it, eyes closing as he sighs. James pulls back to kiss him hard, hands wrapped around his neck and holding him there as if he'll fly away, but Logan doesn't plan to go anywhere, at least not anytime soon.

James kisses him for a long time and Logan loves every second of it, now understanding that their time together is limited and wanting as much of James as he can get in that time. Finally James whispers, "Can we make out now? Please?"

_I love you. I do. I love you. How am I ever gonna let you go?_ Logan nods, fighting the overwhelming emotions rising in his chest and focusing on James' hands at his belt, James' lips on his again, the way James' naked body feels stretched out over him on the bed when they get there.

James kisses his way down to Logan's stomach, Logan's fingers curled in his hair. "You're so beautiful, Logan. I don't understand why you're with me, why every girl in school isn't killing themselves to get a date with you. They're all fucking blind."

"Hey." Ignoring everything else James said because it's ridiculous, Logan pulls James up to look at him. "I'm with you because _you're_ beautiful. And smart and funny and just perfect, okay? You're perfect." _For me. I'll never find anyone like you again. Please don't leave me, James, please!_

Desperation has Logan clinging to James, kissing him hard enough to bruise his lips but James gives it right back, trapping Logan's body the way Logan loves to be trapped and his hips start bucking up against James' stomach. James moans into his mouth and Logan's legs wrap around him, his body needing to be closer.

James thrusts against him, the friction making them both insane. "Fuck, Logan, fuck just...fuck!" James rocks harder, lips smashing down over Logan's and Logan feels James pressing against him, practically into him, and whoa. _Whoa. _Part of him craves it, but mostly it terrifies him. This isn't something he ever imagined himself doing with a guy, not even in his fantasies about James. He hasn't had time to even consider the possibility.

James' hand is suddenly between them, stroking him in a way that makes further thought impossible. "James, yes, so..." With a long moan Logan comes, arms wrapped around James' neck and then James lets go too, warm wetness spreading over Logan and damn, they came pretty close to fucking there, didn't they? How did that even happen?

James rolls over onto his back and brings Logan with him, arms tight around Logan.

"You okay?" Logan asks softly, almost afraid to piss James off again.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

_Because you're trembling. Because you almost fucked me and we haven't even done blowjobs yet and isn't that the next step after handjobs? _But what would Logan know, this is all brand new to him.

_Because I'm freaking out and you should be, too._

Logan rolls his eyes, though, this being the answer he expected from James.

"When is Mom supposed to be home?"

Logan smiles; at some point she went from "Mrs. Mitchell" to "Mom" and he loves that. "Sometime around three, but it could be earlier."

"We should get our homework done, in case she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere."

James is suggesting homework? "I thought you wanted to teach me to dance."

"We should wait on that, until tonight. I'll probably end up attacking you again."

This is true. Logan sighs and moves to sit up, but James' arms tighten.

"I didn't mean right now."

"Oh. When, then?"

"I don't know, just...a few more minutes of this?"

Perfectly fine with Logan. "Sure."

They spend the next half hour lying in Logan's bed, speaking and giggling occasionally in soft tones, but mostly just enjoying being together.

XXX


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands off Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading. 333333

XXXXXXX

Homework goes surprisingly fast, and when Joanna arrives home with burgers and groceries, it's to find them playing video games again. They help her in the kitchen for a while before attacking the burgers, then she shoos them away so she can start dinner, which will take a few hours to prepare.

"What are we having, Mom?"

"Your favorite."

"Oh, what's Logan's favorite?"

_You are._ And he really has to stop thinking things like that. He's acting like a girl. "Lasagna. But she does it all from scratch, even the noodles."

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, and it takes forever so you two need to leave me in peace."

They head into the living room. "What do you want to do?" _Please don't say make out, I can't handle that right now, especially with Mom here._

"Whatever. She's not going to all that work just for me, is she?"

"No. It's her way of relaxing. She loves to make big meals when she can, plus we'll have leftovers later in the week."

"Cool."

"TV?"

"Um...how about we play some more of that game we played last night?"

Logan turns to James, lips twitching. "What game would that be, James?" he asks in a low voice.

James' eyes widen and then he laughs. "And you say _I'm_ horrible."

Logan grins. "I assume you were referring to the Wii game."

"I was, yes." James leans in to whisper, "We'll play that other game later. After we dance."

"Sounds like a plan." Does this weekend ever have to end? Having James here with him is better than dating him ever would be, right? Because his mom lets them share a room. No way could they spend so much time alone if they were a legitimate couple.

"Now move over so The Diamond can kick your ass, Mitchell."

"The Diamond?"

"Yeah, it's my gimmick. Like The Rock. What do you think?"

Logan fights really hard not to laugh, because he can tell James is completely serious. "I think you're precious, that's what."

"Yeah, but you're biased."

"Dude, nice! You remembered that word! And used it correctly."

"The Diamond can do anything."

"The Diamond needs to stop talking and start trying to kick my ass. Note my use of the word 'trying.'"

"Oh, it's on. You're mine."

Words like that make Logan's heart catch in his throat, even when he knows James doesn't mean it. He shoves the sadness aside and focuses on the moment instead; right now James is here, and that's all that matters.

XXX

After dinner they all play board games, Logan amazed that James seems to be enjoying himself as much as he is; it's just not something he'd think "The Diamond" would find exciting, but even when James loses to Joanna, he's a good sport about it. Losing to Logan is a different story, resulting in threats of vengeance later. With a huge grin, Logan tells him to bring it on.

James' mom calls once to check on him. It's a brief conversation, Joanna urging him to invite her over, but of course she's working. He tells her he'll be home Sunday night after dinner, and she raises no arguments.

Around midnight they say goodnight to Mom and head to the bedroom. Logan locks the door as usual, unsure about what tonight will bring but knowing they can't make it through an hour alone without at least a kiss or ten.

James walks over to the stereo and turns it on.

"Heard from your dad lately?"

"Uh, yeah. I called him at lunch yesterday."

"He doing okay?"

"Seems to be. He doesn't talk much about his feelings."

"Hmm, sounds like somebody else I know."

James smiles, blushing slightly.

"But he's alright?"

"Yeah. Found a job, he sounds pretty excited about it."

"That's great! I bet he felt pretty useless most of the time."

"Why would he?"

"Well, your mom was the one working and making money. He probably got depressed after a while."

James frowns, thinking about that. "I guess...yeah, okay. I never thought about it that way."

They should probably talk more about James' dad and how James is feeling about it at this point, but Logan is hesitant to upset James again. "So are we...dancing?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Okay, hands on my waist."

Logan steps forward and places his hands on James' hips. James moves them up higher. "Right here. Let her set the pace. Obviously you'll move in time to the music, but as far as how close you stand to her, let her decide that."

"Okay."

"Do you have any rhythm?"

"No idea."

James slides his arms around Logan's neck. "Move with me. Just follow my lead." He moves to the music, a simple swaying motion that Logan picks up quickly. "Not bad. Oh, this one's a little faster."

"I won't have to dance to any fast songs, right? You won't make me do that."

"She might want to."

"No way. I will not cross that line."

"Okay, if you want your date to have a bad time and be bored..."

"This right here is bad enough."

James steps in closer and tightens his arms. "I think it's kinda nice."

Logan licks his lips and sighs softly; it _is_ rather nice. He lays his head on James' shoulder and James runs a hand over his hair.

"So I figured out your new hairstyle."

"Of course you did." Logan pulls James as close as possible while they're dancing, loving the way James' fingers are running through his hair.

"Yeah, we're not going with the spiky thing, but we're gonna give you some body. Lift your roots up. You're gonna look so good. And we need to go shopping for your tux, too."

"Do I need a tux for a winter ball? I thought that was just for prom."

"Do you want to look good?"

Logan shrugs. "I guess?"

James shakes his head before kissing Logan's forehead. "It's no wonder you never got dates."

"Never really wanted them." _ Just wanted this right here. _Logan remembers sitting at home the night of the freshman dance, lying in bed imagining dancing with James just like this. James had pulled him out into the school hallway where they could still hear the music but nobody was around. And after the song, James had kissed him and told him he'd been in love for years. Logan blushes now thinking about that.

"What?"

"What?"

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"It's nothing."

"Come on, Logan. Tell me."

"No, it's just...you were talking about the freshman dance. Last year."

"Yeah?"

"I actually did want to be there."

"You should've gone!"

"I couldn't have the date I wanted, so there was no reason to."

The movement stops. James cups Logan's chin and lifts it, staring down into Logan's eyes. "If it helps, I wanted you there. Thought about you all night."

_Then why are you with her? Why?_ "It...does. A little."

"And this time you'll be there, so that'll be good."

_Right. Watching you from across the room, like always._ It used to be enough, how did it come to this in just a week or so, where watching James isn't nearly enough, where unless Logan is touching him, nothing feels right? _We're moving way too fast, but damn I don't want to go back to what we were._

"Right? You're not gonna chicken out on me, are you?"

"No, James." Logan sighs and steps back. "I'll be back."

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

"No, stop. You're doing that thing again."

"What thing?"

"That thing, like you did this morning. You came back from the shower and you were different. Like you are now."

_And you still don't get it._ But somehow Logan knows if he pushes this, if he tries to claim James as his and only his, it's going to backfire. James just isn't ready for that. "I'm just annoyed with this whole thing. You know I don't want to go to the dance."

"But you said you were okay with it. That you wanted to try dating girls."

_I lied. All I want is you._ "It's just...hard."

"It'll get easier. It's scary at first but once you get past this dance, you'll be fine. Maybe Kendra would even want to go out again. We could like...double date."

"Really, James? We might be seen together. In public."

"Oh. Right." James frowns. "And Nikki would...yeah, that's a bad idea."

_Fucking Nikki. Fucking you._ "I'll be back." Logan is out of the room and shutting himself into the bathroom before James can stop him, angry instead of sad. Why is he letting this bother him? He knew it would be like this, he knew from the start.

He's leaning on the sink when the door opens and James slips in. "Dude, what are you doing?"

"I'm tired of you running away from me."

"I'm not running away."

James locks the door and spins Logan around roughly.

"If my mom-"

"Don't care right now." James presses him back against the counter and kisses him hard, Logan surprised to find he's still angry and this makes him even angrier, that James just takes what he wants, when he wants it. He starts to push James away but then his fingers curl into James' shirt instead, pulling him closer as he moans. James shushes him but lifts him up and onto the counter, Logan's legs wrapping around James to pull him in tighter, and when James starts thrusting against him he can't breathe, it's so good, it's always so good when James rocks against him.

Even through the clothing the friction is intense because they're both so sensitive. So many words on the tip of Logan's tongue, words like "mine" and "stay" and "I love you" but he keeps it all in, expressing it through movement and touch instead.

Besides, James has always been the talker, and this is no exception. "So fucking hot," he whispers, "how are you always so fucking hot?" Then his mouth is on Logan's again and Logan's hands slide up into his hair and pull hard, this time on purpose and James lets out a strangled sound, Logan feeling James' cock actually jerk against him. "Fuck, I'm close..."

"I know." Logan does it again, not knowing where this evil side of him is coming from, but maybe he just wants James to need him as badly as he needs James. James gasps, making a desperate moaning sound and Logan prays his mother doesn't wake up, but thank God she's a heavy sleeper.

"Looooogan, fuck!"

Logan shoves him away and James' expression clears, looking hurt for moment until Logan falls to his knees and starts undoing his pants.

"Oh God oh God oh God-"

"Shhh!" The belt is open and Logan shoves James' pants down, reaching inside the boxers to pull it out and he hasn't really looked at it up close before but it doesn't look all that different from his own, which makes him feel a little more confident.

"Logan, my God, are you..."

He has no idea how this is supposed to be done, but even if he manages to be clumsy about it, he knows James isn't going to complain. _Just do it, Logan. Make him addicted to you the way you are to him._ Logan closes his eyes and opens his mouth, taking James in and James is about to have a heartattack above him, if the door wasn't behind him James would have fallen to the floor by now.

"Oh God oh God oh God yes yes yes Logan fuck I love you just fuck oh!"

His heart stops but not for long; Logan isn't stupid enough to take anything that James says right now seriously, he knows it's all just incoherent babbling and the way James is alive in his mouth, every touch of his tongue brings a twitch or a spasm and it doesn't taste bad, it just tastes like more of James. He tries a little suction and next thing he knows he's on his back on the floor, James stroking himself as he comes over Logan, his mouth pressed against Logan's chest to stifle his moans. Logan's arms wrap tight around James as he shakes, sounding like he's about to cry but Logan knows that's not the case. He pets James' hair while James tries to breathe.

Logan opens his mouth but James beats him to it. "I'm okay."

Logan grins. "Just making sure."

He lifts his head to look into Logan's eyes. "You are...amazing."

"Aww, I bet you say that to all the guys."

"Shut up, dork. I can't even believe you did that."

Logan shrugs, proud of himself. "I'm full of surprises."

"You're amazing."

"Don't forget it." Logan sits up, James leaning back onto his heels as Logan kisses him.

"How could I? You're kind of hard to ignore."

"Am I?"

"Ten years, Logan. Ten years."

"Yeah." With a huge grin, Logan stands up. "Let me go out first, make sure Mom's not awake." As he's about to open the door, James whispers in his ear.

"I'm so blowing you when we get to your room." James cracks up at Logan's reaction. "Yes! I can still make you blush! Yes!"

"Shut up. Don't make me mention that you told me you love me."

"I did?"

"You did. Just now."

"Well, so what if I did? I've been in love with you for years."

"Yeah, yeah." He said it, James said the words, and yet...it's not what Logan wants. It's not the offer of commitment that Logan needs, the promise that he will be the only one and that someday they will be together as a real couple, as two people in love should be.

"You think I'm lying?"

"No. I just..." Logan shakes his head and opens the door, not wanting to get back into it. Not tonight, when there's a promise of a blowjob in his future.

Thankfully, James lets it go and they make their way to Logan's bedroom safely.

In the dark they take off their clothes, Logan smirking at the wetness on his shirt. "Remind me to wash this Monday after school, before Mom gets home."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that."

"I don't mind." Logan slides under the covers but James pulls them away, taking their place over Logan's body.

"So did I mention you're amazing?"

"You're just horny."

"That's nothing new. You sucking me off? That's new."

"Please, there was hardly any sucking at all." He's glad for the darkness because the heat in his cheeks tells him he's blushing again.

"It was fine. You were perfect."

James kisses him and Logan relaxes into the pillow, twining his fingers into James' hair. He'll never get enough of James' tongue in his mouth, the taste of James on him.

"You need to not do that when I'm blowing you."

James is so blunt and Logan thinks he should be used to it by now but it still surprises him most of the time. "Do what?" he whispers.

"Pull my hair."

"Oh, this?" Logan tugs and James moans, body writhing over Logan, and he never gets tired of that, either. "But you love it."

"Makes me go crazy. Don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or like...is too much."

Logan tugs again, harder this time, and James bucks into him. "Fuck!"

"I'm not worried about it," Logan says quietly.

"You're okay with this? With me...doing that?"

It's been a week. A little over, but still about a week since their first kiss. There isn't any way Logan should be okay with this, with James putting his mouth down there, or with the fact that he just did the same to James. He knows this, but also knows that what his mother said is true-love is that thing which can't be understood. Or maybe they're just horny teenagers. Either way, Logan is okay with this. "I want it, James. Want to know what it feels like."

"It feels pretty uh..."

"Amazing?"

James giggles. "Yeah. Just try to keep quiet."

"Me? You're the moaner."

"I am so not!"

One hard tug on James' hair is enough to prove him a liar. "You so are. But I love it."

"Just wait until I'm done with you. Do I need to gag you for this?"

"I won't make a peep."

"Want to bet?"

"How much?"

"How about...if I win, you blow me again?"

_Like I need a bet to make me do that?_ "You're on."

James grins, smug because they both know he's going to win this bet. He gives Logan one last smoldering look before kissing his way down Logan's chest and yeah, now Logan's a little nervous again. Every night he spends with James it's something new and it's a bit overwhelming, but again he wouldn't change it.

A hand reaches up to take Logan's. "If you need me to stop-"

"I won't."

A soft kiss to the tip has Logan's breath catching in his throat.

"I love you," James whispers. "Don't ever doubt that, Logan."

_Don't. Don't do this now, not right now when I can't even process-_

_Oh my God oh my God oh fuck fuck..._."James!" Logan's hands grab onto James' hair, needing somewhere to be, something to hold onto as James' mouth surrounds him. James has a little more finesse than Logan did, taking his time but Logan loses their bet the moment James applies pressure, so much so that the hand releases Logan's and reaches up to cover Logan's mouth instead.

It doesn't take long and when James senses Logan is close he moves up Logan's body to kiss him, stroking Logan through his orgasm until Logan is lying motionless except for the heaving of his chest as he takes in air. James kisses him over and over, sweet kisses that make Logan wrap his arms around James and fight desperately not to beg James to promise this forever, to swear things will always be like this for them.

"You okay?" James whispers, lips at Logan's ear.

"Yeah," he answers hoarsely, tears threatening.

James is gone for about ten seconds, returning with baby wipes to clean them both up. Logan allows him to do it even though it's hard to see in the dark.

_The more we do this, the more I fall, and the harder it's going to be when it's over._ It doesn't matter that James hasn't realized it yet, but the day will come when he does, when he knows he has to move on from Logan and live a normal life, find himself a girl who will make him look good in the eyes of the world. "Want to go shopping tomorrow? For the dance?"

James doesn't answer and Logan knows he's got that look on his face, the one that drives him crazy because he doesn't know what James is thinking. Eventually he lies down next to Logan and pulls him close, arms tight around Logan's waist.

"My mom would probably take us. Dude, loosen up, I can't breathe."

"Sorry." James loosens his grip slightly before kissing Logan's hair. "Yeah, we should do that."

"Cool. We can talk to Mom tomorrow."

"Yeah."

The radio is still on from their earlier dancing attempts, and the words that float to them make Logan's heart stop.

_"...so take a good look at my face...you'll see my smile looks out of place..."_

He swallows hard and now his heart is pounding. It goes crazy when James sings along softly.

"I need you...need you..."

Tears roll down Logan's cheeks, he can't help it, but he cries quietly and without any other outward sign, squeezing his eyes shut.

"...she's just a substitute because you're the permanent one."

He clings tight to James now, the desperation back in full force, and James continues to sing while petting his hair.

His voice dies away as the song ends. Neither speaks anymore; instead they lie awake for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands off Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

XXXXXX

"So Mom, there's a dance Friday. At school."

Joanna looks up from her pancakes, eyes wide. "And?"

"I was wondering if I could go."

She looks over at James, who is grinning wide and nodding, before returning her attention to Logan. "You have a date?"

"Not yet."

"But he will. He's going to ask her tomorrow, and she'll totally say yes."

"Logan, that's wonderful! Of course you can go!"

"Yeah?"

"Of course! Oh my gosh, my baby on his first date! Oh wait, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Tell me about her."

"I don't know a whole lot. We haven't really talked much."

James jumps in. "Her name is Kendra and she's had a crush on Logan since the beginning of the year."

"She has not."

"Dude, she has! I told you, she watches you all through class. And she's tried talking to you so many times but you always shut her down."

"I...do?" Logan honestly doesn't recall a lot of interaction with her.

"Not so much anymore but she did in the beginning. I think she kind of gave up, but she still likes you."

"How come I never noticed?"

James raises an eyebrow. "Maybe you were too wrapped up in your...studying."

Logan blushes. Yeah, that's probably true. Whenever James was around, it was hard to focus on anything else.

"So Friday? I'll have to make sure to get home early, take pictures of you boys and drive you there. Who are you going with, James?"

James and Logan lock eyes, both thinking about how they can't arrive at the dance together. "Nikki. My girlfriend."

"Oh, I saw her at the game, right? Blonde cheerleader?"

"Yeah," Logan answers. "I think we'd be better off just meeting at the school, Mom."

"What? James isn't going to help you get ready?"

That thought results in panic, but how to explain it to Mom without saying they can't be seen together? She wouldn't understand.

"She's right, dude. I have to do your hair."

Logan smiles. "Yeah, but..."

"I guess I can show you how to do it. Actually, yeah. We'll do that tonight so you can look good tomorrow when you ask Kendra."

"You're leaving tonight."

"So we'll do it this afternoon. After shopping."

"Oh, Mom! We need to go shopping. Rent me a tux and all."

"Don't rent it, just buy it! You'll need it for the spring formal anyway."

"We don't have a lot of money, James."

"We have enough," Joanna offers. "This is a special occasion. My boy is a young man."

"Mooooom."

"Isn't he cute when he gets red like that?" James asks.

"He really is. I can't believe you're going on a date!"

"She hasn't even said yes."

"She will. And if she doesn't, somebody else will. You're getting a date."

Logan smiles at James' determination. "Yes, sir."

"That's _Mr. Diamond _to you."

Logan rolls his eyes. "I thought you were 'The Diamond'."

"I am. You're my best friend, though. You can go with _Mr._ instead of _The_."

"Can't you just be James?"

"Only in the safety of our home. Never in public."

"Our home." Logan rolls his eyes again.

"Hush, Logan, this is James' home now, too. He's family."

James beams. "I got The Mom on my side."

"Don't encourage him, Mom! His ego's big enough!"

James stands and flexes, his muscles rippling due to the sleeveless tank he's wearing. "Have you seen these guns?"

Logan picks up a soggy piece of pancake and throws it at James, hitting him squarely in the face.

"Logan!"

"He totally had it coming!"

James reaches for a napkin and wipes the syrup away. "You are so getting it later."

Logan smirks in return. _I can't wait._

XXXXX

The shopping trip is a success. They have a blast at the mall, Joanna treating them to lunch and another movie before they return to the house, where Logan and James closet themselves away in the bathroom to work on Logan's hair. A little mousse and a blow dryer work wonders on it, and Logan can't believe how good he looks when James allows him to see the finished product.

"Wow. All that from mousse?"

"And hot air. Gotta have hot air."

"Yeah, you've got plenty of that."

"Ha ha."

"So all I do is use the little round brush and the dryer?"

"Pretty much. And remember to run your fingers through it while you're drying your hair. Kind of spike it as you go, it gives it the body and lift."

"She's totally gonna say yes."

James laughs. "If she doesn't, she's the stupidest chick on Earth. You look hot." James wraps his arms around Logan from behind and kisses his neck. "But you always do."

"Mmm, can't you stay tonight? Your mom wouldn't mind, right?"

"She actually would. Made me promise to be home tonight."

Logan turns his body to get different angles, James turning with him. "Are you guys talking more?"

"A little. She checks on me now when she comes home, asks about my day. Tells me to get to bed."

"That's good, right?"

"Yeah. Would still rather be here."

"I know." Logan spins around and hugs James. "I'd rather that, too."

"Boys, it's almost seven! We have to get James home!"

"Mom, look at Logan's hair!" James unlocks the door and steps away from Logan before opening it. "Look at him!"

"Oh my gosh. Oh, my baby, look at you, you're so..." Joanna makes motherly noises of affection that leave Logan blushing.

"Mom, come on. Really. You're embarrassing me. Whoa, Mom, seriously. This isn't worth crying over."

James looks away from Logan and frowns, then it hits him. He's seen the framed pictures on the wall. "I think you look like your Dad, Logan," he says softly.

"I...do?" Logan spins around again and looks at himself in the mirror.

Joanna nods, unable to speak. She pulls Logan to her and hugs him tight.

James steps past them to head out of the bathroom but Logan reaches out and grabs his wrist, keeping him there.

"I'm so proud of the young man you've become, Logan. You are so much like your father, in so many ways. He would be proud, too."

A phone rings, breaking the moment, and James could gladly kill his mother right then. Logan allows him to walk away to take the call, then calms his mother down even though he's a little emotional, too; he misses his father, though they didn't have a lot of time together.

"Well, we need to get James home. That's probably his mother wondering where he is."

"Yeah."

"You look so good, honey. So handsome. I'll be a mess when you get into that tux."

"Aww, Mom." Logan kisses her cheek, sensing James hovering in the hallway. "You need to go?" he calls out.

"Yeah. But no hurry."

"We'll be ready in a few minutes, Mom."

"Okay. I'll be in the kitchen."

Logan watches with a frown as James throw his scattered belongings into the overnight bag.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just...don't want you to go."

"I know. I don't want to." James zips everything up and sighs heavily. "Tomorrow. Lunch. Kendra."

"Yeah. Kendra."

"Gee, sound a little enthused, why don't you?"

Logan shrugs. "You got everything?"

"Everything except a kiss goodbye."

Logan's heart flutters. "I think I can manage that." He locks the door, always vigilant, and then James is kissing him and he wants it to last forever but it can't, life outside this house beckons them.

"You look so hot, Logan."

"It's just hair."

"You're so much more than just hair."

"Stop it or you won't leave tonight."

James licks his lips, having so many answers to that but knowing better than to say any of them aloud. One more kiss and then he sighs. "Okay. Let's go."

"Call me tonight."

"Really?"

"Yeah. When you go to bed. Or just whenever you can."

James smiles. "Okay. We can talk until we fall asleep."

"Exactly. And make sure you hug Mom before we get in the car. She could use one."

"I'd already planned on it."

XXXXXX

Logan's reading in bed when his phone rings, causing him to smile. "Hey."

"Hey."

"How is it?"

"Fine. We talked about the dance."

"She's letting you go, right?" Part of Logan really wants the answer to be "no."

"Yeah. And we need to get you a license. Dad said he purposely waited until the truck was done before he left, so I'd have it."

"He did? Why don't you get a license, then?"

"Why don't we both? Maybe next weekend your mom can take us around, give us lessons?"

It's not a bad idea at all. "You really want to get to school and leave school with me?"

"That's easy to explain. Your mom's paying me to do it. So I'll make sure I get a license, too. And then on weekends we can go where we want, take off in the truck when Mom's busy or whatever."

Three things in this statement cause Logan's mouth to dry up. One, that James is willing to be seen in public with Logan, officially. Even if it's not as friends, people will see them together; it's a huge step. Second, that vision of the drive-in movie is back. By now they've gone way past cuddling, but Logan would still kill for that moment in the truck, just the two of them snuggled up together. It's never gonna happen, but it's such a nice dream.

Most importantly, though, James has made it clear he wants their friendship to continue past the midterms. _Maybe I really am the permanent one._

_Stop it, Logan. It's been a few weeks. Things are gonna change eventually._

"You there?"

"Yeah."

"Is that okay?"

"That's awesome, James."

"Cool. So uh...tell me about your dad."

That throws Logan for a moment. "My dad?"

"Yeah. You probably miss him, right?"

"Well I...he died when I was little. I don't have a lot of memories."

"Are they good ones, though?"

Logan smiles. "The best. He seemed big, but I was guess he wasn't even as tall as you. He wore glasses a lot of the time. Mom says he was nerdy like me."

James laughs. "I like your kind of nerdy."

"Obviously." But Logan is pleased. "He made my mom laugh all the time. He was always tickling her and stuff like that, always like...touching her in some way. But it wasn't creepy."

"I would hope not."

"You know what I mean. They were just...happy."

"What happened?"

"An accident at his job. It was sudden. I had to live with Uncle Ted for a few weeks after the funeral, Mom was devastated."

"I'm sure." They're quiet for a minute, James letting Logan get past the lump in his throat. "I wish I was there right now."

"Me too."

"Was this before we met?"

"Yeah. A few months before."

"You were really little then, huh?"

"I was in pre-school."

"You were so cute then."

"Oh, I'm not now?"

"Shut up, you know you make me crazy."

And just like that Logan is beaming, because yeah-he _does_ know.

A knock on the door interrupts them. "Hang on. Yeah, Mom?"

Joanna peeks in. "Just wanted to say goodnight, honey. Sweet dreams. Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."

"James?" she asks, pointing to the phone.

"Yeah."

"Goodnight, James!" she yells across the room.

James laughs. "Put her on the phone."

Logan holds the phone out, grinning. "He wants to say goodnight."

"Awwwww."

Logan listens to them say a quick goodnight and knows that James is thanking her again for letting him stay over, for the movies and dinner and everything. She tells him he's always welcome and hands the phone back. "Goodnight, Logan."

"Night, Mom."

When she's gone, Logan says. "You need to just move in already."

"You know how badly I want to."

"Yeah."

James yawns loudly. "Whoa, sorry."

"Get some sleep, Diamond."

"_Mr._ Diamond."

"Get some sleep,_ James_. Or if you'd rather, I can call you something cute like 'pookie' or 'sweetie'."

"Shut up, nerd!" James laughs.

"Oh, but nerds get you hot."

"Only one does."

"I miss you."

It surprises both of them, coming from out of nowhere and said with such raw emotion.

"I miss you, too." A pause. "Pookie."

They crack up, Logan relieved the intense moment is broken. "Go to bed, James."

"You too, Logan. Big day tomorrow. Don't forget to wake up early so you have time to do your hair."

"Right."

"She's gonna say yes."

"We'll see." It's weird that Logan's not nervous at all about this; usually talking to girls scares him. Maybe it's because he honestly wouldn't be too disappointed if she said no.

"She will. See ya, Logan."

"Later, James."

XXXXX

James studies Logan as he approaches, pursing his lips. "Not bad. You'll get better with practice, but it's still better than usual."

Logan slides onto the seat next to James. "I couldn't get that piece to cooperate."

"Yeah, I had to work with that. Hang on." James opens his backpack and pulls out a little case.

Logan chuckles when he sees it's full of travel-sized hair care products. "You are so ridiculous."

"Shut up, you love me," James says quietly, leaning in to fix that chunk of hair that never wants to lay down right.

Logan keeps his mouth shut, afraid of what he might say.

After a few blocks James leans back to inspect the finished product. "Cool. And I was right. Your eyes really do stand out. I would kiss you so hard right now if we were alone."

Logan swallows, looking around nervously, but no one's paying them any attention.

"Don't freak out, I won't," James smirks. "So adorable."

"So um...lunch, you said?"

"Yeah. I know where she sits, right next to the English building. Just go up to her and ask if you can talk to her for a minute, get her alone. "

"Where will you be?"

"I'll be hanging out right there, against the wall. Get her so I can see her face and judge her mood, so I can give you the signals. But close enough I can hear."

"Okay."

James tilts his head at Logan. "You're not nervous."

"I'm really not. Weird, right?"

"You will be. Once you're standing there with her."

"Don't jinx me. Stand up, this is our stop."

Logan steps off the bus first for a change, almost barreling into Nikki. "Whoa. Sorry."

"Watch where you're going!"

Normally he wouldn't let it bother him, but because it's Nikki and because he's already a little irritated, he turns back. "Maybe you shouldn't block the exit, then. And hey, how about asking how your boyfriend is once in a while?"

James' eyes widen in shock.

"What? What the hell does that mean?"

"Forget it." He looks back at James and mouths "sorry."

James has that unreadable expression on his face again, but Logan feels tension in his body language and knows he messed up. Logan walks away, feeling bad for putting James in that position when he hears Nikki questioning James about "that rude guy."

Just before Logan enters the library he looks back, like he always does, and as usual James is watching him. What's different is the expression on his face; Logan recognizes it as the one he's seen just before James attacks him. His lips curve into a slow smile and yeah, he's already wishing it was time to go home.

XXX

Logan spots James leaning against the wall of the English building, just as he said he would be, looking as if he's fiddling with his iPod. He tilts his head to to the side and Logan follows the direction of it to see Kendra sitting at a nearby table with some friends.

He would be lying if he said there weren't any butterflies, but it's nothing outrageous. The worst that'll happen is she'll say no, but James seems pretty confident she'll agree. It would be a bit embarrassing to be rejected, but his heart isn't invested so he's not too worried.

He feels James watching him, though when he glances over James' eyes are on the screen, head bopping slightly to what Logan assumes is imaginary music. _You are so cute._

Logan walks up behind Kendra and her friend stops talking, eyes wide. Kendra turns around slightly.

"Hey."

"Logan. Hi." She's actually prettier than he remembered, deep blue eyes and a stunning smile.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Um...sure!" She gives her friend a surprised look but stands to follow Logan toward the wall and James.

"So how are you?"

"I'm good. Thanks."

James nods a little faster and Logan knows it's okay. "So the winter ball is Friday."

Kendra blinks fast and Logan knows he's surprised her. "Yeah."

"I was wondering if you'd like to go with me? I mean you probably already have a date but if-"

"No!"

"No?"

"I mean yes! I mean..." Kendra shakes her head, face reddening before she takes a steadying breath. "I don't have a date and I would love to go with you."

"Really?" He has to admit, it feels pretty damn good.

"Really," Kendra nods.

James rolls his eyes.

"Cool. Awesome. Should we exchange numbers or..."

"Um, yeah!" Kendra pulls out her phone and punches in the number Logan gives her. "I'll text you, so you have my number."

She can't stop smiling. Logan finds it adorable. "Great."

"I...really? You want to go with me?"

James rolls his eyes again and Logan could kick him. "Yes."

"Okay, we'll talk later I guess or you could join me and Lisa for lunch? If you don't have plans."

"Uh, no. I don't!" Logan raises his eyebrows toward James but James is watching Kendra walk back to the table, where she scoots her stuff over to make room for Logan. Hazel eyes swing back slowly to Logan's chocolate ones. Logan smiles, impressed with how easy that went, expecting a thumbs-up or even a smug told-you-so expression from James, but James gives him that thinking face again.

_Whatever_. Logan slides onto the bench next to Kendra and is introduced to Lisa, who is obviously very excited for Kendra. They chat a little about the dance and after five minutes Logan looks toward James' table, frowning when he only sees Nikki and the other people she and James hang out with. Where did James go?

Logan twists around to see that James has moved closer, though he's still pretending to be engrossed in his iPod.

"Go eat," he mouths to James, knowing James is aware of his every move.

James ignores him, choosing to remain close for the remainder of the lunch period.

XXX


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands off Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

XXX

James actually beats Logan to the bus for once. He's in their seat when Logan approaches with a huge grin. "Hey!"

"Hey, Romeo," James greets him. "Nice job."

"Thanks! You were right, she really likes me!"

"It's the hair."

"Yeah, whatever. How was your day?"

"Alright. Got in trouble in history, though."

"I saw that. What was up with you? You were completely disrupting the class. Usually you just sit there quietly and zone out." _Or stare at me._

"I was hyper."

"Seriously, James, it was bad today. What was the problem?"

"What, you weren't staring at me, the way you always do?"

"I was helping Kendra. She was using my notes to catch up, she fell behind when she was sick last week."

James rolls his eyes yet again. "Of course she did. She was out one day, Logan! How many notes could she possibly have missed?"

"A lot. Especially since the day she missed was review for the midterm. You ought to have a look at my notes, too, since you obviously didn't take any yourself today."

"Like I ever do?"

"We don't need another class for you to fail, okay? You're doing so well with math and English. You'll have no problem with your math final, but we need to work more on the grammar."

"Maybe I can stay the night tonight. So we can spend more time on it after dinner."

"You really think your mom would go for that?"

"I think it's worth a try." James stands as they reach their stop. "You don't mind, right?"

"Of course not!" He follows James off the bus and hitches his backpack higher on his shoulder. "Mom would be okay as long as we actually study and not goof off."

"Studying's fine with me. Not sure if my mom will see it that way, though. Call your mom and ask. I'll do the same."

Joanna is all for it, as long as they promise to get to bed early; Brooke shoots the idea down in five seconds flat.

"Sorry, James. I really think some extra studying would help. We should've spent more time on it over the weekend instead of making out all the time."

James scoffs. "Excuse me, making out always comes first!"

Logan grins and shakes his head. "So horny."

"So adorable."

Logan puts his key into the lock and opens the door, James following him straight to the bedroom. He frowns as Logan pulls out his phone and reads a text. "Who's that?"

"Kendra. She texted me so I have her number. Ha, with a little smiley face. And greater-than-three. What's that about?"

"Greater than three?" James pulls Logan's phone toward him. "That's a heart, Logan."

"A...what?"

"See, turn it this way and it's a heart. Just like the smiley face."

"Oh." Logan grins. "She sent me a heart."

"Cute. Dude, who are you calling?"

"Kendra. We have to talk about the dance, our plans and everything."

"Now? You can't wait until I go home?"

"She has to work soon."

"Hey, this is seriously cutting into our make-out time, we only get thirty minutes as it is!"

Logan turns away when Kendra answers. "Hey, it's Logan. Yeah. Nothing, just got home. You?"

"Fine, I'll just start my homework and probably screw it up because you're not here to help."

Logan rolls his eyes and walks away from James to continue the conversation. She can't talk long because she has to get ready for work, so they agree to meet up before school the next morning to figure out details.

James is sitting at the desk, staring at his open English textbook, when Logan hangs up. "So you're meeting her tomorrow?"

"Yeah, before school. In the library."

"Oh."

"You'll be hanging with Nikki anyway, right?"

"Right."

"Cool. So what's on the agenda for today?" He points to the textbook before sitting down next to James and pulling out his own homework.

James doesn't answer; he looks like someone slapped him in the face.

"Dude, what? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I just..."

"What?"

"So you want to do homework?"

"I thought that's what we're here for."

James nods slowly. "Right. So um...I'm supposed to find all the mistakes in this paragraph here."

"Let's see." Logan leans in and they get down to business with homework, it taking longer than usual because James' head just isn't in the game.

When it's time to stop for dinner, they pack everything up and head into the kitchen, but Logan stops James with a hand on his shoulder. "What's up with you today? You were weird at school, disruptive in class, and you can't even focus on your homework. I had hoped we'd get done early so we could get in some extra studying, but we barely even finished your math."

James shrugs. "Just a lot going on, you know? The dance, the basketball championship, the midterms coming up...it's a lot of pressure."

"And everything going on with your parents, yeah. I'm sorry."

"It's no big deal, but this week is going to be really hard. A lot to deal with."

"I'm here for you, okay?"

Ah, thinking face is back. "Hey," Logan says softly, then pulls James in for a kiss. James kisses him for a long time, slowly backing him up until he's pressed against the refrigerator again, and Logan can't help but laugh.

"What? Is my kissing funny?"

"No, it's just...I always seem to end up against a refrigerator when we kiss."

"It's because you get so hot I need to cool you off."

"Oh, is that it? I thought you just liked to trap me against hard surfaces."

"That too." James grins and dives in for another kiss, lifting Logan up so that Logan wraps his legs around James' waist. "We didn't get any make-out time, dude. I'm not okay with that."

"We...oh. You're right. I didn't even realize..."

"Just promise me you'll make it up to me tomorrow?"

Logan smiles. "Deal. Always time for my pookie," he teases.

"That's _Mr._ Pookie to you."

"You are so ridiculous!"

"You love me."

Logan nods. "I do."

James kisses him and Logan wonders if they'll ever get dinner started, but he doesn't stop James, only tightens his legs and kisses James harder. His phone interrupts them and he makes a frustrated noise.

"That better not be Kendra." James drops Logan to the floor.

"Chill, it's Mom."

Joanna is calling to tell Logan not to cook anything, that she's going to bring dinner home so the boys have more time to study. "You're the best," Logan tells her. "See you in about an hour? Okay."

"What's going on?"

"We don't have to cook, Mom's getting dinner for us."

"Do you know what this means?"

"More study time."

"Fuck that. You owe me thirty minutes."

"James, that's cutting it close, Mom could be home sooner and-"

James doesn't let him finish. They kiss their way to the bedroom, Logan barely remembering to lock the door once they're there, and the attack begins.

XXXXXX

Tuesday and Wednesday pass, Logan spending most of his free time at school with Kendra. James continues to be disruptive in class and Logan is ready to strangle him, especially when his focus is off during their study time; he also does poorly in the championship game on Wednesday, but for once his teammates step up and capture the win anyway. Logan tries to understand that James is under a lot of pressure and doesn't push it, but when James fails his math test Thursday, Logan knows it's time to stop being nice.

He waits until they're in the door Thursday afternoon, trying to figure out how to approach this in a way that won't have James throwing up his defenses. He sets his backpack down on the bed and turns to see James locking the door; immediately he shakes his head. "Oh, no. No way. No making out, we are going to talk. The midterms are next week, James, and you're right back to failing your tests!"

So much for not putting James on the defensive. He raises an eyebrow and leans back against the door, arms crossed. "It was a hard test. I'm allowed to have a bad day once in a while."

"No, you're not. That test is everything we went over, and you knew it all last week. You don't just forget something you've learned, not when it's clear in your mind like that. You didn't even try, did you?"

"Of course I tried! You think I want to fail?"

"I don't even know anymore! You said once before you did, are we back to that?"

"I tried, okay? It just wasn't coming to me."

Logan whips out the test paper, which he'd shoved into his backpack after James showed it to him. He passes it to James. "Number 3. Right now. Go."

"What?"

"Do it!"

James could gladly kill Logan in this moment, it's written all over his face. He rips a pencil from his bag and looks at the paper, studying it for a moment before writing out the equation and answer.

"Exactly," Logan says. "You know this stuff. Why are you having such a hard time focusing? I know you've got a lot on your mind, but James..." His voice softens. "This is important. You have to pass."

James shakes his head, not wanting to talk.

"Talk to me. Please. I'm here for you, I told you that. Is it your dad? Worried about him?"

"A little."

Logan lets out a long sigh. "Come here."

Looking like he's about to cry, James goes. Logan wraps his arms around him, kissing his jaw. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine."

"So what's got you so upset?"

"Just...everything. Everything's changing."

"I know. But they're good changes. Not your parents, but...as soon as this season is over, you're done with sports. You get to be in drama, doing what you love. And I'll continue to work with you, you know that, right?"

"Promise?" James is suddenly clinging tight.

"I told you." Logan kisses his ear, then James' lips are on his but it's not hungry like it usually is after school. Logan soothes him as well as he can through kisses. "Nervous about the dance tomorrow?"

"No. It's just a dance. You're the one who should be nervous. First date and all."

"But I'm not. And that's still weird. Why am I not nervous?"

"You seem to like her a lot."

"I do. She's actually pretty cool."

"Think you might uh...date her? You know, after the dance?"

"I hadn't really considered it. I kind of feel..."

James pulls back. "What?"

"Well...guilty."

"About what?"

"You."

James is baffled. "Guilty how?"

"We're not together or anything, just going to a dance, but she really likes me and I feel like I'm cheating on her when you and I make out."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Okay, the last thing Logan expected was for James to be pissed. "No. I'm serious. I feel bad."

"For _her_. You feel like you're cheating on _her._"

"I...yeah."

"Did you forget that I had you first?"

"Actually, you had Nikki first. And it always seemed weird to me that you don't feel guilty for cheating on her."

"Okay, wait. I didn't have Nikki first. I've had you for ten years. You were mine the second you walked into kindergarten."

Logan's heart flips over in his chest. He really likes the sound of that. "But you're with Nikki."

"You know why."

"Still. I don't know how you can do that, how you can have a girlfriend and then come home with me and tell me I'm yours."

"Because you are. You always have been."

"So I'm not allowed to date?"

"Of course you are. Just remember that I come first."

Logan laughs and it sounds a little crazy. "I'm not like you, okay? I can't date a girl and be with someone else at the same time. It's not right."

"It works for me."

"And maybe you should think about that."

"Well, it doesn't bother you when I'm with Nikki, right? I mean, you know I'm still thinking about you."

"Are you?"

"Fuck yes, I am! Don't you understand that I think about you all the time? It drives me crazy! Sometimes I wish I could stop."

"Don't. Please don't wish that."

"All I ever want is to be alone with you. Or at least here at the house. I don't ever want to leave this place. How do you not see that?"

"I just see you with Nikki and I think maybe-"

"Well, don't. I told you. You're the permanent one. You're the one who's not going anywhere."

"How long is that going to last?"

"Are you insane? You can't honestly think...oh my God, you do. You really don't get it. Ten years, Logan. For ten years it's been about you, everything's been about you. And you think that's going to change now that we're together?"

"I don't know what to think."

"Logan, how can you even doubt it? How can you even think I'd want anyone else?"

"I know you love me. I do. I just wonder if that's going to change. When you get older and have to protect your image."

James shakes his head in disbelief. "After everything we've been through, everything we've done together, I can't believe you would think I don't want you."

"Like I said. I know you want me now. You want me when we're alone."

"I want you all the time. At school, at home, here...just all the time. That's not gonna change."

"What if it does?"

"It won't. There's so much shit going on in my life right now but you're the one good thing, the one thing I hold onto when I feel like I'm losing everything. If you think I'm ever letting you go, you're an idiot."

"We can't even be seen together in public, James."

"You know why!"

"And that's my point! Someday you're going to have to choose between me and your precious image, and I'm terrified it's going to be me that you let go."

"Then you really are an idiot."

"Fine. I'm an idiot. Spell it out for me, then. Tell me I'm ridiculous to think that someday you're going to dump me for some beautiful woman who will sweep you off your feet and steal you away from me."

"You're ridiculous to think that. No matter what happens, you're mine."

_I'm yours. But you're never mine._ "So you're never getting married?"

"I...fuck, I don't know! I haven't even thought about that!"

"Well, maybe you should. Figure out what the hell you want because I'm not sharing you anymore. I'm done with that."

"You're...you're not sharing me?"

"No. If you're going to leave me and get married someday, I'd rather know now so I can work on getting over you."

"Is that what's been going on? Why you changed? You think you need to start getting over me?"

Logan just shakes his head and turns away.

"You know what? That's bullshit, Logan. I've done nothing to make you think I don't love you, that I don't want to be with you forever. But you've already decided I'm going to leave you. One more person in my life who counts me out before I have a chance to prove myself."

"It's not like that, it's-"

"It's exactly like that."

"How am I supposed to think you want only me when you won't even break up with your girlfriend? When you won't even talk to me at school?"

"You said that didn't bother you."

"It didn't, but...Nikki. She bothers me, okay? Watching you kiss her...I can't do that anymore."

"My kisses with her mean nothing."

"And that's just...wrong. It's just wrong, James."

"Don't fucking judge me, Logan. You don't know what I've been through."

"Maybe if you'd talk about it more, I would."

"Now you're yelling at me for not talking about my feelings. Great."

"I'm not yelling, I just...James. I can't help it, okay? I can't help wanting you all to myself."

"I don't know why I thought you'd be different. I thought I knew you, thought you'd be the one who would always be here."

"I will be. As long as you want me. I'm just afraid you won't want me when you move on with your life."

James nods slowly, pursing his lips. "Because you have no faith in me. Got it." James reaches over and picks up his backpack. "If that ever changes, let me know. I'll see you in the morning."

"Where are you going? If you're gonna pass those tests, we really need to focus."

"Fuck the tests. Maybe I just need a new life. California's looking pretty good right now." James storms out of the room.

"James, wait. Don't do this. I'm sorry, I just don't want to lose you!"

"Well, guess what? You just did." When Logan starts to follow, James holds up a hand. "Let me go. I'll talk to you tomorrow on the bus, okay? I need to figure all this out."

"Don't. Please don't leave. It's what I was afraid of."

"See ya, Logan."

And for once, Logan doesn't answer that, because at this point he doesn't even know if there will _be_ a later.

XXXXXXX


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

So um...this was supposed to be a slow-moving fic. Unfortunately James had other plans and can't keep his hands off Logan, so...it's moving much faster than I planned. That always seems to happen when I write these two!

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

**ALRIGHT, YOU ANIMALS. HERE'S YOUR NEXT CHAPTER. ** Though I do feel bad leaving them in that horrible place. A few more chapters after this to wrap things up, but again-thank you all for reading and being so kind in your reviews. I love you.

XXXXXXX

It's been a long time since it's happened, but once again Logan's stomach is in knots as the school bus approaches. What if James isn't there? What if he called his dad last night and took off? Logan had called him six times throughout the night and got no answer. He finally gave up around midnight.

His mother knew something was wrong the minute she arrived home to find Logan alone and dinner not even touched. All he told her is that he and James had a fight and James wasn't speaking to him. "Is it over a girl?" she asked, and after a moment Logan nodded, because basically that's the truth. Mom consoled him as best she could and let him cry, telling him not to worry and that all friends go through rough times, that she knows James will miss him and be back at the house this weekend. She asks if they're still going to the dance together and Logan's answer surprises her.

"We never were. We were just gonna meet there, remember?"

"Oh. Well, either way I'm sure you two will patch this up. You adore each other."

And this is true, has been from day one. Part of him almost wishes they could go back to that, to the staring and imagining what it would be like but most of him knows that his imagination never did James justice. The reality of having James in his life, of being close to James in every way possible, was so much better than he could ever imagine, and the idea that it's over, that he's looking at a life without James in it so much sooner than he'd predicted, is almost enough to make him stay home from school. The only thing that gets him out the door is the possibility of seeing James, of somehow making this right. Even if James doesn't want anything romantic with him, Logan had wanted to be his friend always because James needs that in his life.

_Please be on the bus, please be on the bus, please be on the bus..._

And he is. Logan lets out a huge sigh of relief, because if James is here, there's still a chance. Halfway down he realizes that James is in his old seat, the one at the very back, and his heart breaks a little. How can they talk if Logan can't even sit next to him? He considers asking the guy next to James to move, but James isn't even looking at him; he's staring out the window, though Logan knows James is aware of his presence.

Their usual seats are empty, so Logan goes to them and sits near the window, silently praying for James to get up and join him. A block from school he realizes it's not going to happen. He stands up slowly when the bus arrives at their stop, waiting for James to approach. James stops to let him go first but won't meet his eyes and it takes all of Logan's willpower to keep from falling to his knees and begging James to talk to him, to see him, to love him again.

He's surprised by a hand on his shoulder as they wait for the door to open. "You should still go to the dance. Kendra really likes you."

Logan spins around, hope in his eyes, but then James moves past him and out the door. He slides an arm around Nikki's waist and pulls her away quickly and Logan's heart breaks all over again.

_We still have the ride home. Please be on the bus, James. This time I won't let you ignore me. Please._

Kendra is waiting for him near the library. She greets him with a smile and it's a little better, but not much. One look back before going inside, and James' eyes are nowhere near him. Logan's heart breaks yet again and he fights tears as he follows Kendra into the library.

_Get through tonight. Just get through the day, beg James to be your friend again, and get through the night. Then you'll have the whole weekend to be a mess when he tells you he's moving to California._

XXXXX

There's no communication throughout the day, but that doesn't really surprise Logan; there never has been. Usually he feels James' eyes on him, though, and today there is almost none of that. At lunch he feels it, that gaze boring into him as he sits next to Kendra and they discuss last-minute plans for the dance, and when he turns around to look at James he's almost knocked over by the anger in those hazel eyes. He'd love to think James is jealous, but if he wasn't before he certainly wouldn't be now, right?

He tries to tell James with his eyes that he misses him, that he's dying without James, but James turns away. He'd almost decided not to go to the dance after all; he was only doing it for James. Then he remembers why James wanted him there and knows that no matter what's happening or not happening between them, he's always been there to cheer James on, and as he still wants to be that friend, he needs to be there tonight. He just hopes James is still planning to go to the dance.

And then there's Kendra. Logan still feels guilty, especially knowing that after tonight he's not going to pursue anything with her. She's wonderful and deserves a guy who will appreciate that, who won't be pining after another guy all the time. He knows she'll probably hate him when it's all over and he doesn't want that, but knows he deserves it.

James continues to ignore him in history class, though for once he's not disruptive. Logan still isn't sure what that was about, but he'd almost rather that than the complete ignorance. James has to be hurting too, right? James loved him, Logan knows that, and no matter how angry he is James has to be hurting. That damn mask of his is firmly in place and Logan wants to rip it off, because even James yelling at him is better than this.

When James steps onto the bus, Logan scoots over, begging James with his eyes to sit, and surprisingly, James does.

Logan's heart trips in his chest. "Hey," he says softly.

James licks his lips. "I just thought you should know. I decided to move."

_No, please no, God no, please! _"Don't. We don't have to be what we were, but I'm your friend, no matter what I'm always your friend and-"

"It's not just you. It's everything. I thought about it all last night and...I need a change."

"James, please." _Don't do this here, I'm about to fucking sob like a baby, don't do this here. _"Come to my house. Talk to me."

"No time. We have to get ready for the dance. You're still going, right?"

"Yeah, but this is more important. I don't want you to go."

"It was a mistake, Logan. You were right, I was scared, and this is why. Because I knew it would get fucked up and I can't..." James looks away and Logan wants to hold him tight.

"Just come home with me. Or let me go with you, just...talk to me."

"Maybe we can talk this weekend. I'm not leaving until Sunday night."

Logan blinks, his body going cold. "Sunday night? You're leaving Sunday night?"

James nods. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're not enough for me. You were."

I_ was._ "You didn't, I just..."

"Your stop." James presses the button to signal the stop.

"I don't care, we need to talk."

"We can talk sometime tomorrow. Tonight just focus on the dance, on Kendra. She's good for you."

"No, _you're_ good for me."

James shakes his head. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. You can call me if you need any help getting ready, but I won't talk about anything else. Go."

He doesn't want to, all he wants is to keep James in his sight and never let go, but he can tell James won't budge on this. James moves out to let him through. He stands and after James is seated again, leans down to whisper. "I love you. Always will."

James' eyes fall closed and Logan watches his fingers dig into his backpack, but all he says is, "Go."

Logan sighs and goes.

XXXXXX

Logan manages to get the tux right and even does a fabulous job on his hair. He's nervous now, not because of Kendra but just because it's his first dance and he's always been socially awkward. This is why he needs James at his side, holding him up and telling him he can do this. He forces himself not to call James because he knows he'll end up begging James to stay and that James will most likely hang up on him at that point.

Mom gets a thousand pictures but laments the absence of a date present to be included in the pics. She makes a joke about there not really being a date and Logan swears there is, promising pictures to prove it. Her answer is that she knows this because James mentioned the girl too, and Logan's face falls.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry. You two still aren't talking?"

"We talked a little today. He's...moving."

"He's what? Are you serious?"

Logan nods. "He's moving to California with his dad. And please don't make me talk about it right now, because I'm gonna cry."

"Oh honey!" Joanna pulls Logan in for a hug and he cries anyway, the first time he's broken down over this; leave it to his mother to break him. "Baby, I'm so sorry. Did his mom decide that?"

"No. He did. Says he needs a change."

"Damn. That boy is so good for you, even if you two got in a fight, and I was sure you'd get past this argument. You did, right?" She steps back and looks at Logan.

"Sort of. I don't know. We're gonna talk tomorrow. But he's leaving Sunday."

"He is? Is he staying here tonight? I thought you two wanted me to take you driving."

"Yeah well...that was before."

"Don't cry baby, I'm so sorry. Just go to the dance and have fun, okay? Don't worry about James, just have fun with your girl. Is James going to be there tonight?"

"He said he was. He's up for Winter King." Logan's lips curve into a reluctant smile, remembering how excited James was about that. "And he's totally gonna win."

"I want pictures. He's still part of this family."

_I wish. I so wish._ "We should leave, I have to meet Kendra at seven."

"Go clean yourself up. Is James' mom taking him to the dance?"

"No, Nikki and her dad are picking him up."

"I wonder if his mom would let him come home with us. You two need to spend some time together before he leaves."

Logan shakes his head. "Not tonight. We're still kind of...fighting."

"Then you need to make up as soon as possible. You don't want him leaving without saying what you need to say. Trust me. Regret is the worst feeling in the world to live with. Always say what you can _when _you can, because you never know when it'll be your last chance to say it."

"I love you, Mom."

Joanna smiles. "And I love you, too. Now go wash your face. And don't forget the corsage, it's in the refrigerator!"

The refrigerator. That damn refrigerator. As heartbroken as he is over James, he manages a laugh; that refrigerator will never be the same again since James came into his life.

XXXXX

Logan is just about to step out of the car when his mother grabs his arm. "There's James. He looks so handsome."

_Oh God, do I even want to know?_ Logan turns to look in her direction and his heart stops. Never has James looked more beautiful; even that blonde thing on his arm can't detract from his stunning beauty. _Mine, you should be mine, that should be me, why are you with her, why?_

But it's all in the past now. Logan wonders if Nikki knows yet, knows that James is moving and decides she probably doesn't; James would wait until after the dance to tell her. He watches them get closer to the car and hears his mother's door open, knows the second before it happens what his mother's going to do, and panic sets in but it's too late.

"James!"

James stops walking, Nikki stopping as well and looking over. Logan gets all the way out of the car and apologizes as well as he can with his expression, but his mother doesn't know, has no idea they don't talk at school.

"Who's that?" Nikki asks.

James smiles. "My mom. Sort of." He lets go of Nikki's hand and moves around the car to hug her, shocking the hell out of Logan. "Hey, how are you?"

"Doing fine. You look so good!"

"Aw, thanks."

"I won't keep you but I heard the news. Glad I got a chance to say goodbye. You're welcome to stay the night tonight, too."

"I..." James glances over at Logan, who is still standing next to his car door, then returns his attention to Mom. "I'll make sure to call and say goodbye before I leave Sunday, okay?"

"You'd better." She hugs James tight and Logan sees his face, sees how much he's going to miss her and once again has to force himself not to beg James to just stay forever. "And get that crown."

James laughs. "I plan to."

"And I'd better see pictures."

Nikki is watching the entire exchange in bafflement, obviously shocked that James has anything at all to do with Logan's mother, let alone Logan. He wonders what James told her about him the other morning when she asked.

"I'm sure Logan will have some," James offers. "Though knowing him, he probably didn't even bring a camera."

"Why would I think to do that?"

"Exactly. Oh well, maybe Kendra will."

Nikki steps closer to the car now, arms crossed over her chest. "You're the rude guy from the bus."

Logan smiles at his mom. "Gotta go, I'm late. Bye!"

"Just call me when you're ready. You both look so handsome."

"Thanks, Mom." Logan steps past Nikki, not wanting to get into anything tonight; maybe once James is gone, he'll give her a piece of his mind, but tonight they need to all play nice.

"Goodnight, Mom." James hugs her again before rejoining Nikki, and Logan hears them walking behind him.

"So you know rude guy's mom?"

"He helps me with my homework."

"You never told me that."

"You never asked."

"Are you like...friends?"

Logan strains his ears for that answer, aware that James knows he can hear. "Something like that."

Logan spins around and walks backward, facing them. "Does that mean we're done fighting?"

James shrugs. "I don't know, are we?"

Logan smiles. "You're such an idiot."

"Look who's talking."

"Okay, this is weird. You guys are friends?"

Logan waits for James to answer.

Meeting Logan's eyes, he nods slowly. "That we are."

_He wants to be friends. Okay. I can handle that. Just friends. And maybe I can convince him to stay. Maybe._ "Mom still wants a chance to kick your ass on that game. You should come over for the night."

James' face shuts down. "Um, no. Sorry. Oh, there's Kendra. She looks good. Have a great time, Logan."

"Yeah. You too." Trying not to let the dismissal kill him, Logan goes to Kendra.

XXXXXX

Fortunately the D.J. seems to favor slow songs, which Logan supposes might be the norm for dances, but again—what does he really know? He'd warned Kendra already that he would not be out on that floor for anything else, and she seemed okay with it after he explained it was his first dance and he doesn't know how to move to anything else.

Every time he's on the dance floor, though, his eyes are drawn to James, who is of course tall enough to be seen over everyone else. James just looks so damn good! Many eyes are on him as he dances and Nikki is obviously proud to be his date.

_As she should be. I'd kill to be dancing with him right now_.

"Is everything okay, Logan? You seem distracted."

God, he's a horrible person. "I'm sorry. My best friend is moving this weekend and I...you know what? You don't need to listen to me ramble about that."

"Aww, it's okay if you need to talk. I don't mind."

"You're sweet." Logan hugs her with a smile. "But tonight's not about him. Let's just enjoy ourselves."

"Cool." She grins at him and steps closer, and Logan's arms tighten around her waist. She really is wonderful. Smells nice, beautiful blonde hair, has a glow about her and such a killer smile, but...she's not James.

_Damn you, James. Damn you._

Logan purposely turns his back so that he can't see James dancing, and from then on he's able to ignore the temptation somewhat.

They're on their fifth dance when Logan feels the eyes on him again, so strong this time he stops moving. Kendra lifts her head from his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Logan shakes his head. "Nothing. Sorry." He moves again and she lays her head back down. She's so soft, her body not at all hard like James', so fragile in his arms he thinks he might break her if he's not careful.

_Stop thinking about James. Just stop. Don't think about him dancing with you, kissing you and then begging to make out with that desperate look on his face. He doesn't want you like that, not anymore._

Logan can't help but wonder if it's really all that different kissing a girl. James did say he should try it. Or maybe he just said Logan should date a girl. Doesn't matter, really. Kendra is here and probably willing, and who knows if Logan will ever get this chance again?

He's nervous but nothing like the nerves he felt the first time James kissed him. And again, he's thinking about James. Again.

_No more. You're going to kiss Kendra and you're going to like it._

He licks his lips and lifts a hand to her chin, raising her face slightly. She meets his gaze and smiles, knowing where he's going with this, and leans in. Her lips are soft and slightly sticky due to the lipstick, which Logan could do without, but otherwise it's not too bad. It's nothing like the passionate mauling James does to his-

_STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH. NO MORE THINKING ABOUT-_

"Logan, we need to go."

_James?_

Kendra breaks away from Logan and turns to James, who is standing next to them.

"What's wrong?"

"We need to leave. Now."

"Why?"

"I'll explain later. Call your mom."

"What's going on?"

"Just call your mom."

Logan looks around, searching for some sign of impending disaster, but all he sees are couples swaying to the music. "Dude, the dance isn't even half over. You don't even have your crown yet."

"I don't care about the stupid crown! We have to leave! Now!"

Logan turns back to Kendra, who looks worried. "I'm...hang on. I'll be right back, okay?"

"No, he won't. He's leaving. Sorry, Kendra." James grabs Logan's arm and drags him off the floor, and once they get out into the hallway Logan pulls away.

"What's going on?"

"I need to leave."

"Tell me why."

"Just...please, Logan. Call your mom to come get us."

"Is it Nikki? Did you guys have a fight?"

"Why are you arguing with me? Just do it! You know what? I'll call her." James whips out his phone but Logan grabs it away.

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"I just...can't we talk about this at home?"

"You're coming home with me?"

"Yes. We need to talk."

"Oh." Logan blinks, taken aback, and hands the phone back to James. "Okay, but can we at least wait until you get your crown?"

"I told you. I don't care about the crown."

"Yes, you do. You've been talking about it all week. I know you're gonna win. It's the whole reason I even came here tonight, remember?"

James shakes his head, agitated.

"James. Listen to me. You're going to be crowned Winter King. You owe it to all those people who voted for you. You need to stay for this."

"Did you vote for me?"

"Of course I did."

"Did you vote for Nikki?"

"Scratched her name out."

James laughs. "Damn, I love you."

Logan spins around in a panic but they're all alone.

"Relax, there's nobody here."

"So you love me again?"

"Like I could ever stop?"

This rollercoaster is going to kill Logan. "I don't know what to think anymore, James."

"Which is why we need to talk. Can't we just leave now?"

"No. You need this before you move. One last victory."

"Logan? Is everything okay?"

They both spin around to see Kendra leaning into the hall.

"Yeah. I'll be back in a minute. Promise."

Kendra glances at James for confirmation. Finally he nods.

"Okay. Don't take too long, they're gonna do the king and queen in a few minutes."

Logan raises his eyebrows at James. "You ready for this?"

"I was born ready."

"Go get that crown."

James stops him with a hand on his shoulder before they return to the dance. "Thanks for coming tonight. I know you didn't want to. And I'm sorry I've been such a complete moron. I'm so stupid."

"Hey. You're not stupid. I'll tell you that for the rest of your life if I have to."

"Promise?"

Logan's heart jumps. "If that's what you want."

"I want to just be home now."

"Almost."

"James, oh my God, I thought you left! Are you crazy, they're about to announce the winners! Get in here!"

Nikki is there and pulling James back into the room. Logan waves with a smile, so glad he doesn't have to deal with that crap.

"Shit! I have to talk to the D.J.!"

"Just hurry up!"

Logan finds Kendra inside and explains that his friend is having a rough time. When she asks if James is the best friend who's moving, Logan nods.

"I didn't even know you guys knew each other."

"I help him with his homework."

"Ohhhhh. That's why he got so much better."

"You're in his math class?"

"Yeah. English, too. He actually pays attention now, it's amazing. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Miss Oxford can't stop praising him."

"He failed the last test."

"Did he? What happened?"

"I'm...not sure. But I think he was..." Logan's eyes narrow on Kendra. "Oh my God. I'm so stupid."

"Why?"

"I know what was wrong with him. Oh my God. James, you are such an idiot." _And I love you. I love you so much. _

Their attention is caught by the stage lights coming on as the ceremony begins. All the contestants are brought up onto the stage, but Logan only has eyes for James. _So beautiful. You're just so beautiful and please don't leave me, please. I need you._

In a matter of seconds, the winners are announced and the crown is placed on James' head, Logan beaming up at him with pride. So what if he's not James' date? This moment is like all the others, Logan cheering him on and James smiling down at him. At least some things are still the same.

James and Nikki move from the stage to the dance floor, the spotlight on them as a song starts to play, and everyone clears away to give them space to dance.

"What is this song?" Kendra laughs.

"Huh?" Logan can't look away from James, whose eyes are on him over Nikki's shoulder.

"This sounds like it's from the 50's or something."

The music penetrates and Logan's mouth runs dry. _"I need you...need you..."_

_Oh, James. You didn't._

But he did. James had the D.J. play their stupid song, which is so out of place in this room but just right in this moment, and there's a huge lump in Logan's throat.

"_...she may be cute she's just a substitute, because you're the permanent one..."_

Any second Logan's going to launch himself at James and take him down, but that can't happen. Not here. He turns away and rushes out of the dance, Kendra right behind him and when they're out in the hall he takes her hand. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I need to leave. Do you need a ride home?"

"Um...no. Is everything okay, though?"

"I can't explain it right now. I'm just so, so sorry."

"It's not gonna happen, is it?"

Logan pulls her in for a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Kendra. It's a long story, but...I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I got that after the hundredth time you said it." She doesn't sound angry, just disappointed.

"I know you probably hate me, but...I really like you. Just not..."

"It's okay. I'm gonna get back in there and find Lisa."

Logan nods. He watches her go with a heavy sigh, then pulls out his phone to call his mother for a ride. He hears the last notes of the song and sure enough, within one minute James is there.

"Can we go now?"

"Mom's on her way."

"Kendra?"

"I talked to her. We're...yeah."

"I need five minutes with Nikki."

That gets Logan's attention. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. Give me five minutes."

After all that, he needs time for Nikki? "James, I said I wasn't doing this anymore and I meant it. If you can't-"

Logan is silenced by lips on his, James' fingers curled around the lapels of his tux. It's brief but it's enough to shut Logan up.

"I'm breaking up with her, you idiot. I need five minutes."

"Oh. Okay then. Go."

They could've been seen. Anyone could've walked out while they were kissing. James isn't stupid, he knows that. What does this even mean? Or maybe he doesn't care because he's never coming back here.

"Wait."

James turns back with his hand on the door.

"Are you coming home with me?"

"I said I was."

"Okay."

James opens the door.

"Are you still moving?"

James stops again. "I don't know. We'll talk when we get home, okay?"

"Well, you're not."

"Not what?"

"You're not moving."

"Oh no?"

"No way."

James stares at him, that thinking face all over again.

"Don't look at me like that. Tell me what you're thinking. You have to start telling me what you're thinking or we'll end up like we were yesterday. I don't want to go there again."

"Fine. I was just thinking I can't wait to get you home and naked in your bed." James grins when he sees the flush climb up Logan's cheeks. "Still adorable. And so fucking gorgeous."

"Go break up with your girlfriend. Pookie."

James laughs. "That's _Mr. _Pookie to you."

"Nope. With me, you're just James. No mask. Never again."

It's scary to James, Logan can see that much, but James nods.

"And you'll tell me when you're scared, so we can talk about it."

James bites his lip.

"We'll discuss the rest of the rules when we get home."

"Always with the rules."

"Always with the wanting me naked."

"You love it."

Logan grins. "I do."

XXXXX


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends. I would be so lost without you.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

XXXXX

Mom is happy to see both boys climb into her car. She offers to take them by James' house for a change of clothes but he declines, saying he can wear one of Logan's shirts to bed; Logan smirks and smiles at James in the rear view mirror, both of them knowing that won't be the case. The grin James answers with reminds him how much he's missed seeing James smile at him.

"I see you got your crown," Joanna comments.

"I sure did," James beams.

"I'm so proud of you! Did you ask your mom if you can stay the night, James? She might want you home to get ready for the move."

"He's not moving."

"What?" Joanna glances back at James at a stop sign.

James chuckles. "Logan has informed me I'm not going anywhere."

"Well, your parents might have something to say about that, James. No matter what Logan wants."

"I think Dad will be relieved. He tried to talk me out of it, just because he still doesn't have his own place and there's not a lot of room at my aunt's. But he was gonna let me do it."

"I bet he misses you," Logan offers.

James nods slowly. "Says he does. I think...maybe he does. He asked if I wanted to spend Christmas there. Before I told him I wanted to move, I mean."

And just like that Logan has visions of Christmas with James. With everything else going on he hadn't paid it much attention, but it's only a few weeks away. He knows James' mother would never in a million years let James spend Christmas morning with them, but suddenly he wants that so badly it's a physical ache in his chest. "What did you say?"

"I told him I already had some Christmas plans set up, so I couldn't."

"Oh."

"Are you and your mom doing something, honey?" Joanna asks.

"Not that I know of. Probably just gonna exchange a few gifts, and then she'll work from home."

Logan can't keep it in. "So what plans do you have?"

"Well, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise."

Logan tries really hard not to squeal or glow upon hearing that. "But I didn't even get you anything yet."

"Get on it, then. If I'm staying here, I'd better at least get a Christmas present out of it."

Logan has to look out the window because he can't stop smiling. _Oh, you'll get so much more than that, James. So much more._

XXXXX

They say their goodnights to Joanna and start down the hallway, but she stops Logan with a hand on his shoulder. "Go on, James. I need to talk to Logan."

_Oh shit. We were too obvious. I can't stop smiling, damn it. Stop smiling!_ Logan takes a deep breath and turns around, following her to the kitchen. "What's up?"

"Didn't I tell you things would work out?"

"Yeah, you did."

"So what happened at the dance?"

Logan shrugs. "James won."

"Obviously. What happened with Kendra?"

"We...it's not gonna work out. She's great, but...I don't know. I'm just not into her like I should be, you know?"

"So you broke up with her?"

"We weren't really together. It was just a dance."

"And what about James?"

_Shit. Mom, please don't make me talk about this, please don't tell me he can't stay over anymore._ "What about him?"

"Is he still with his girlfriend?"

"Um...no. They broke up tonight."

Joanna nods slowly. "Because of the move?"

"I...maybe?"

"But he's not moving now."

"No. I talked him out of it."

Joanna is quiet for a long time, just staring at Logan.

"Can I...go now?"

"You know James is always welcome here, right?"

"Yeah. You always tell him, and it means the world to him, Mom. You don't know this, but for him to hug you like that tonight in front of his girlfriend, in front of the whole school? That was huge. He has that image thing, you know?'

"And where do you fit into that whole 'image thing'?"

Logan bites his lip.

"Do you two even talk at school?"

"Not really. But that's gonna change. We're gonna talk about it tonight. It's...what the big fight was about."

"I thought you said it was over a girl."

"Well...that too."

"But now the girls are...out of the picture."

"I guess."

Joanna sighs. "All right. Go. But Logan?"

He has already stood up, relieved beyond belief. She may not know for sure, but Logan knows now that she suspects, at least his own feelings for James, and that's bad. "Yeah?"

"If you ever need to talk...you know I'm here. About anything. I'll love you no matter what."

"I know, Mom." He steps back to the table and hugs her tight. "I'm working through some stuff."

"I'm here, okay?"

"I know. I love you."

"I love you, too. And tell James I love him, too."

Logan smiles. "I will. Night."

"Goodnight, honey."

XXXXXX

James is snuggled up under the blankets.

"You took the crown off already? I was sure I'd find you preening in front of the mirror."

"The crown's cool, but not as big a deal as it used to be. What did she say?"

"That she loves you."

"No, really."

"No, really! She said to tell you that."

James smiles, touched. "What else?"

"She asked about Kendra. And Nikki. And...she totally knows I have feelings for you."

"She said that?"

"No. But she knows."

"Shit. Does she want me to leave?"

"No. I don't think she knows how...far it's gotten. Maybe thinks you're not aware of my feelings for you. But she gave me the little 'I'm here if you need me and I'll love you no matter what' talk."

"Ah, the talk every gay boy needs to hear. Sadly, most don't."

"Don't what?"

"Get to hear it. A lot of parents are assholes about it." James lifts the covers. "Will you hurry up and get over here? I missed you."

"I'm not even out of my tux yet."

"And that's a problem."

Logan sits on the bed to take off his shoes. "How are your parents gonna react?"

"I'm not about to go tell the world. Not yet. If you're expecting that-"

"I'm not. Yet."

"Dad's not gonna be thrilled. Mom probably won't care much. Lots of gay guys in the fashion and cosmetics world."

"So you're done with girls? Completely?"

"I'm done with everyone. Tonight showed me. I can't deal with anyone touching you but me. I'm sorry I put you through all that with Nikki. I really didn't get it, how hard it is to watch that."

"You're an idiot."

"I know."

Logan leans down to kiss James once.

"Door locked?"

"No. Hang on." Logan takes care of that and then strips down to his boxers, leaving his clothes in a pile next to James'.

"You're leaving a mess on the floor?"

"Sure. You made your bed for me, it's the least I can do."

"I didn't want to love you."

Logan freezes while reaching for the light switch, shocked at the abrupt confession. "What?"

"I never meant to love you. I wanted you. I always...cared. Needed you. But I never meant to love you."

James is...opening up. And it's so long overdue. Logan turns out the light, knowing it'll be easier for him to talk in the dark. "You told me once that it's okay to have feelings for you. Way back in the beginning. Why wouldn't it be okay for you to have feelings, too?"

"Because I swore. I wouldn't love anyone ever. I've only loved two people in my life, Logan. And they didn't love me back."

"Your dad loves you."

"I think he does, yeah. But I didn't know that, not until recently. All I wanted when I was a kid was for them to pay attention to me. After a while you just...give up. The only one who ever paid attention to me was you. But that was...we weren't..."

"I know." Logan slides under the covers, letting James pull him close and hold him tight. "Why did you kiss me, then? If you didn't want to love me?"

"Because I was gonna die if I didn't kiss you. Told you, I've wanted that since I was ten and knew what a kiss was. A real kiss, I mean."

"So you wanted me, but didn't want to love me?"

"I guess."

"That's why you got so scared?"

"I never expected to have such intense feelings when I kissed you. I've kissed a lot of girls. And I knew it would be different, because you're a guy and you're...you. But I didn't think it would...you know. I totally lost my mind every time you kissed me."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It scared the shit out of me, dude! You were scared, too, but that's because you're you and it was your first kiss and...I just thought it wouldn't be a big deal. We could make out and it would be fun, something nice to look forward to when we do homework together."

"And then I turned into an animal every time you kissed me."

"I know! And I wanted it, fuck I wanted so much more, and _that_...that was totally new. You messed up everything, I couldn't stop thinking about you like...ever. Even when I was with Nikki. _Especially_ when I was with Nikki. All I ever wanted was to be with you."

"Sorry to be such a problem," Logan teases.

"You _are!_ I had it all down, had everything under control, and then you had to be all perfect and gorgeous and wonderful and...so fucking hot."

Logan grins. "Yeah, it's the new hair."

"Shut up, it's everything. From day one, you've been fascinating to me. Always wanted your life, wanted to be you."

"What? Why would you want to be me? A total nerd?"

"Because I wanted your family. I always saw your mom at the competitions and school events, and you seemed embarrassed when she hugged you but I was so jealous. And then I started coming over here and the way she treated me, just welcomed me like I was a son to her..." James' voice cracks and he buries his face in Logan's hair.

Logan pulls James down and presses James' face into his neck, petting his hair while James cries. "She loves you. Like a son."

"I know. And I don't know why."

"Because you deserve it. Because you're a good person. And you're good for me. She loves the way I am around you, how I smile all the time. I'm not sure how she'll feel about this, but she loves what you do to me, how happy you make me."

"I want to make you happy, Logan. And I...fucked up already. I already hurt you and you didn't deserve that."

"Maybe I overreacted a little. I was upset that you wouldn't break up with Nikki and felt like you didn't care and-"

"I asked you if you wanted me to break up with her. I asked you."

"And you said you didn't want to."

"I would have."

"Really?"

"Fuck yes. Anything to keep you."

"But you pushed me away. I told you I didn't want to share you, told you it was me or her, and you pushed me away."

"By then you were talking about how I was gonna leave you and that hurt. That really hurt. I was having a hard enough time accepting that I love you, that it was _okay_ to love you, that you weren't gonna hurt me like they did, and you started talking about how I was gonna leave you. How could you not see that I would rather die than leave you?"

"Because," Logan answers softly. "Because you always hid everything from me. Gave me that face."

"What face?"

"The thinking face. The one where I say something or you get scared and then you just shut down and I don't know what you're thinking. I hate that face. I don't ever want to see that face again. Just talk to me, James. If you can't talk to me, who _can_ you talk to?"

"I don't like talking about my feelings."

"I don't like it when you hide things. We end up not speaking. And miss out on so much make out time." Logan feels James grin against him. "We wasted ten years. I don't want to waste any more."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"And you know what hurt me? When you wanted me to go to the dance with somebody else. I would've rather not gone at all, or gone alone even. Why did you force me to go with a girl?"

"I thought...I felt bad. Because I had Nikki and you had nobody. I thought you loved me enough that it wouldn't be a big deal, that you would be like me, just go with a girl and not care about her."

"I'm not you."

"I know. That's why I love you so much. And then you actually liked her."

"You didn't like it that I wasn't paying attention to you at school, did you? I figured that out tonight. That's why you kept distracting us all during class."

James is quiet.

"Come on, admit it."

"Dude, you weren't even staring at me anymore! You were all sharing notes and laughing with her, and then! And _then_. We came home that day and you forgot about making out. You _forgot _about _making out_. How do you forget about that?"

"I just...I don't know. You should've reminded me."

"I shouldn't _have_ to remind you. Making out always comes first."

"Not when you're failing tests. What happened there?"

"I couldn't focus. On anything. I just kept seeing you with her, sitting with her at lunch and I kept wondering if you'd kissed her yet and it made me crazy. And that scared me too, how much I cared about that. So when you started saying shit about how I was gonna leave you..."

"It was a perfect reason for you to run away."

"I was scared."

"Don't be scared. I'm right here."

"I saw you kiss her. I saw you kiss her and...something broke inside me. I couldn't let you go. You've been mine forever and I won't...I can't...Logan, I can't lose you. Especially not now, after all of this. I'm sorry I pushed you away, I'm sorry I was gonna leave, I was being stupid and now I just want this, want you."

"You've got me." Logan kisses James and James sinks into it, hands holding onto Logan's head as he climbs up Logan's body to straddle his waist.

"It's all I ever wanted."

"No more girlfriends."

"Hell no."

"No boyfriends, either."

James laughs. "Just you."

"Talk to me when you get scared."

"I'll try."

"I'll hold out. No blowjobs until you talk."

"Damn. Okay. Any other rules, Mr. Mitchell?"

"You have to tell me I'm gorgeous at least once a day."

"Done. Can I call you 'pookie', too?"

"Only in the privacy of our home."

"I can live with that."

"And you have to sing me to sleep at least once a week. And stay here every weekend."

"Will you come with me to visit Dad over spring break?"

Logan blinks in surprise. "You'd want me to?"

"Like I can stand a week away from you?"

"Uh uh. This is what I was talking about. Truth."

"Fine. I want Dad to meet you. Because you're important to me. Also because I can't stand a week away from you."

"Better. See, it's not so hard to just say what you're feeling."

"What I'm feeling right now is horny. Two days without touching you. It's really not okay."

"Won't happen again. So this is it? We're official?"

"Totally."

"Are we...out?"

"Do you want to be?"

Logan thinks it over. "Not just yet. I really don't want Mom to know we're fooling around because then she might not let you stay the night."

"Good, because I don't know if I'm ready for that, either. We can just stick with what we've got going on, right?"

"Except..."

"What?"

"Can we...be friends? At school?"

"You think I'm letting anyone else sit next to you at lunch? Or even in class?"

"You gonna come into the library with me in the morning, get a little studying in before school?"

"If I have to."

"You need to pass these classes."

"I know. I'll be better now. As long as you're with me, as long as I know you're mine."

"I always have been." Logan kisses James on the nose. "And that's not gonna change, right?"

"Nope. You're the permanent one."

"It's all I ever wanted to be," Logan sighs before pulling James down over him.

XXXXXX


	13. Grad Night

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But **kathrynew30**, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends. I would be so lost without you.

Also want to thank my buddies **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

**Well guys, this is it.** And no, there will not be a sequel. I'm sorry. They've come a long way from staring at each other on the bus, from that first "See ya tomorrow, Logan" and "Later, James." I have tears in my eyes as I type this, I am so proud of my boys. I always feel like I'm sending them off to college when I finish a fic, and...wow. I actually AM sending them off to college at the end of this one. HAHAHA That's funny. But I'm rambling.

Again, thank you. Thank you all SO SO SO much. You guys have motivated me to continue with your reviews and made me feel like I'm doing something right. I started this fic because **kathrynew30** demanded high school Diamond/Mitchell and has been on me for a year to write it, so you can all thank her. By reading her stories. She writes awesome Kogan. Just saying. But thank you. I love you guys.

XXXXXX

"Oh, look at you. Both of you. I am so proud of my boys. Just so proud."

"Aww, Mom, come on. No tears."

"Honey, your father would be so proud. I wish he could be here."

"He is here. Isn't that what you told me after he died? He's always here watching over us." Logan smiles and brushes away a tear on his mother's cheek.

She nods, thanking James for the tissues he silently passes her. "He would be proud of _you_, too, you know. If he was alive he would've welcomed you into the family the way I have."

James slides his arms around Logan's waist from behind, pulling Logan back against him; Logan gladly goes. "Even though I'm stealing his son and running away to Hollywood?"

Joanna laughs. "Even though. Because he's happy. And that's all we ever wanted for our baby."

"Uh oh, I think your baby might need some of those tissues."

"Shut up, jerkface."

James cranes his neck to kiss Logan's cheek. "You know I love it when you get all choked up, you little sap."

"Okay, let's get some pictures. Put on those caps."

After placing his graduation cap carefully on his head ("Gotta be careful with the hair..."), James grabs Logan's and settles it in place. "You are so gorgeous."

It's been more than two years since the first time James said that to him, and not a day has passed since their sophomore winter ball where Logan hasn't heard it again. It still jolts him the way it did that first time, and he still wonders how this beautiful creature could find him so attractive. The difference between then and now is that now Logan has no doubt James loves him, nor is he afraid James will ever leave. They've made a point to talk about any worries or issues that arise, Logan designating special time for it after school each day-_before_ the make out sessions, though James spent almost a year trying to rearrange the order of that. Luckily there wasn't anything to talk about most days. Logan still laughs when he remembers the day James used the talk time to complain _about_the talk time, arguing that making out always comes first. When Logan fought James on that, James proceeded to remind him why making out should always come first, using action instead of words; Logan gave in after that.

"You're biased," Logan answers now, smirking at James.

"Guilty as charged." James leans in for a kiss and they both laugh when Logan's cap falls off.

"Not now, boys, or we'll never get out of here. Sometimes I wish I'd never told you it's okay to kiss in front of me."

"We never get too crazy, Mom," Logan argues.

"And thank God for that. I'm thrilled you two found love, but I don't need to see it all the time."

"We'll be moving soon enough, you won't have to worry about it at all."

Joanna frowns. "Don't remind me, baby."

"Awwwww," the boys chorus and surround her with hugs, each kissing her cheek.

"You can come visit as often as you want," James says.

"And stay as long as you want," Logan agrees.

"I already told you, you should just move with us and cook us dinner every night. Once I'm famous, you can quit your job and be our personal chef."

"Oh, Mom! James got a callback! I totally forgot to tell you, we were so busy with graduation and finals and...he's got an audition set up for next week!"

"Next week? Are you flying out there?"

"Yeah," James answers, "Dad already knows. I'm staying with him. I'm gonna be gone for about three days."

"And Logan's going to survive this how?"

Logan answers the question himself. "Logan is going to cry like a baby and hide in his bed for three days."

"Awwwww," James wraps Logan up in his arms and cuddles him in. "I said I'd take you with me. Dad doesn't mind."

"I know, but...I think this will be good for us. We haven't gone a day without seeing each other in over two years. I think this is a good test."

"Why do we need a test? School's over, man!"

"You're such a dork," Logan grins. "But once you get going on your acting-"

"Or singing."

"-_or singing_, you'll probably be gone a lot or working a lot of hours. And I know I'll be working long hours at the hospital, so-"

"But that's not for years, Logan. You still have to finish college and get your degrees first."

"I know, but there will be a lot of late nights studying and you'll be gone a lot and...I think this is good for us."

"Tell me how being away from you, for even one day, is good for us."

"It's good practice."

"I don't ever want to get used to being away from you. That's not something that should ever happen."

"I know what you mean, but-"

"Boys, can we talk about this later? You've got a graduation to attend."

"Oh! Right!" Logan places the cap onto his head again and reaches up to straighten James'. "Still so beautiful. Every day I think you're more beautiful."

"Aww, thanks, Pookie."

"You're welcome, Mr. Diamond. Now stand still so Mom can take our picture."

XXXXX

James steps closer to the stage as the line moves, thinking that a few years ago he wasn't sure he'd ever see this day. If he hadn't taken that leap and said those first words to Logan, he knows he would've flunked out and run away to Hollywood by the end of that year; the idea had been growing steadily in his mind. Maybe that's why he finally took the step. Maybe he knew Logan would somehow rescue him, drag him out of the chasm of despair he'd fallen into.

He spins around in place, searching out Logan in the line of seniors on their way to joining the "real world." It's such a stupid thing to call it; like his world up to now hasn't been real? His eyes settle on Logan and he smiles. This is his world, and it's more real than anything else ever has been.

"Dude, go."

"I'm going." James moves along, eyes still on Logan until he gets what he's waiting for, and there it is. _There_. Logan catches his gaze and smiles before making a quick kissy face. James grins.

"You two are pathetic."

"Shut up, you're just jealous because I have the best boyfriend in the whole world," James answers, addressing the guy behind him. James can't remember his name but he knows they've had a few classes together.

"Right, because I'm so gay."

"Your loss," James shrugs.

He looks back again, this time past Logan and toward the guests, and when Mom waves he laughs and waves back, telling himself not to let it bother him that the seat next to her is empty, save for the purse she's using to hold the seat.

_She said she would be here. She promised._

_And when has that ever mattered, James?_

_Whatever. I've got Logan. And I've got his mom. _Our _mom._

He feels the stare on him and turns his gaze back to Logan, who of course knows what he's thinking.

"I love you," Logan mouths.

"I know," James mouths in return, and just like that he's smiling again.

He would've loved for his dad to be here too, but Dad got called into work on an emergency just as his flight was about to leave. James knows that Logan's mother would have come anyway if that had been her situation, but James' parents are not like her and he's come to accept that and love them for the people they are rather than hate them for what they don't know how to be.

One foot on the steps leading up to the stage and James knows she's not gonna show. It still hurts more than he cares to admit.

His phone buzzes in his pocket. He can't get to it in this stupid robe! _Fuck it_. He unzips the robe just enough to reach into his shirt pocket and pulls out the phone, eyes scanning the two words from his mother.

_"I'm here."_

He looks up and around, eyes searching desperately, and of course she's running late and practically knocking people out of her way to get there, but his mother is approaching the seats. She stops at the very back and smiles at James.

His phone buzzes again. _"I'm proud of you."_

When the name James Diamond is announced, three cheers are louder than the rest. It's not the massive acclaim he fantasized about a few years ago, but that will come later, and Logan will be at his side when it does. For right now, this is enough.

XXXXXX

Watching James shake hands and grab onto that diploma has to be the proudest moment of Logan's entire life. They have worked hard to get James here and while he never doubted it would happen (at least once Kendra was no longer a threat), there were times he wanted to strangle James for being apathetic about schoolwork. None of that matters now, though; they made it. They're here. James is beaming at him from that stage and yes, Logan is actually crying some because he is a sap.

James high-fives him as he walks past the line, but Logan pulls him in for a tight hug. "So proud of you. Love you so much."

"I know. And thank you. Love you, too. Now go graduate."

A kiss on the cheek and his sunshine is gone, but he knows it's not for long. Logan steps up as the line moves but turns back when a hand falls on his shoulder.

"He looks really good in purple," Kendra comments.

"Doesn't he? He told me why that is, but I can't remember. Something about his skin tone and the shade of his eyes...I don't know. I just know he looks amazing."

"Yeah. You guys want to hang out with me and Lisa at grad night?"

"Actually, we're not going. We have other plans."

"Oh yeah? Where are you going?"

"I have no idea. And I'm rather terrified about that. All James will say is 'Tonight we become men.'"

Kendra gasps and covers her mouth with her hand. "Do you think he's planning to go all the way?"

"I think so. And if not, I am. We're totally going there tonight."

"Logan, oh my gosh! Listen to you!" Kendra laughs.

"I know. He turns me into an animal."

"So you're ready?"

"We've been ready, just...I don't know. It feels right tonight. How about you and Jerry?"

"We're waiting. We decided. It's hard, but...we're gonna hold out."

"Aww, that's cool." Logan feels the stare and glances over Kendra's shoulder. He smiles at James and shakes his head.

"He's not still jealous of me, is he? That was like two years ago!"

"He's fine as long as you don't touch me. He doesn't like it when people touch me. He's so ridiculous."

"Is he gonna have a problem with us keeping in touch after you move?"

"No, he won't."

"Because I can't touch you from another state," she laughs.

"And as long as it doesn't interfere with us making out." Logan rolls his eyes but he's smiling.

"You are so in love."

"I am. Have been for twelve years."

"It's so sweet how you guys never talked but wanted to."

"We lost so much time, though."

"It was meant to happen that way. Just focus on the future."

Logan meets James' eyes one more time before stepping onto the stage.

_James. My future._

"I am," he answers.

XXXXXXX

Joanna had plans to take the boys to a nice restaurant to celebrate, but all James really wanted was homemade lasagna at the house and Logan talked her into it. James had been wanting to spend as much time at the house with his "family" as possible before the move in a few months; Logan certainly wasn't complaining.

It took James ten minutes, but with Joanna's help he convinced Brooke to join them. The lasagna was warming in the oven when they got home, and soon enough the four of them were helping themselves to pasta, garlic bread, and salad (James' specialty).

Logan wonders if it bothers Brooke that James is so close to his mother, then decides he hopes it does; it should. She hasn't spent any real time with them all and as the meal wears on, the laughter and closeness is obvious between James, Logan, and his mother. Logan notices that Brooke gets quieter and quieter.

_Yeah, it took you long enough._

"Brooke, can I offer you some more wine?"

"I think so, yes. Thank you, Joanna. So you two have everything worked out? You'll be okay with money?"

James nods and speaks through a mouthful of food. "Yeah, I'm gonna try to get a job so we can get an apartment. We'll live with Dad for a while, though."

"And I'm gonna get a job, too," Logan adds.

"No you're not, you're going to focus on your studying."

"I can do both."

"No. I don't want you to worry about money, okay? Let me deal with that."

Brooke interrupts. "James, we're rich. I will pay for an apartment for you two. I'll just pay upfront. What do you think, a year to start you out? Six months?"

Three sets of eyes blink at her in surprise.

"What? It's the least I can do. I'm going to miss my son."

Logan knows then that it is finally setting in, all the time lost and how much she truly has failed her son.

"Mom, you don't have to-"

"James, I make all this money and for what? It just sits there. It's your money, too. Use it. I can't think of any better use for it than to further my son's dream and help the young man who makes him so happy."

James is stunned. Logan grabs his hand and squeezes tight, knowing what this must be doing to him.

"I...thanks, Mom. Um. Logan, are you okay with that?"

"I am. I think she's right, it's the best thing that money could go toward. Helping you. And we could have our own place now, not have to burden your dad."

"Yeah, that could work. And Mom? You can visit anytime. We would like that."

Logan nods immediately. "You're always welcome." He really hopes he won't regret saying that; Brooke can be very overbearing, but he wants to see James patch up the rift between him and his mother.

"Actually, Brooke, I'm going out there with them the week they move. Make sure they get settled in okay. You should come with me, we can be annoying moms and embarrass them together."

"I can't take the time off work but-"

"Right. It was worth a try." Joanna stands up and starts clearing dishes away.

James looks down at his lap, at his hands clasped with Logan's. Logan leans over to rest his head on James' shoulder, saying what he can through touch.

"You know what? Screw work."

Again, they all freeze in shock.

"I have missed the important years in my son's life because of work. It's time to change that. Is it too late, James? Is there still a chance you can forgive your fool of a mother?"

"Oh, Mom." James stands and Logan lets go of him, watching James rush around to hug her. Suddenly she's crying and James is holding her tight. "It's never too late."

Logan stands and starts picking up dishes but James reaches over and grabs his wrist.

"I promise, Mom. You can visit anytime. Just...don't try to rearrange our lives. We know what's good for us."

_Yeah, each other._ Logan smiles.

"I'll try to behave."

"Crap, is it that late? Logan, we gotta go. We're gonna be late."

"There's a time for this?" Maybe it isn't what Logan thought it was. Either way, they're totally doing it tonight.

"Yeah. Everything's already in the truck. Mom, we'll be home in the morning!" James calls out to Joanna, who had just left the room.

"You boys are leaving already?" Joanna rushes out of the kitchen.

"James says we have to go." _But hey, out all night. _Logan grins. He hugs his mom, then James does the same.

Brooke hugs them both as well, surprising Logan. "I never thanked you for everything you've done for James. For loving him when..."

"I know. Just don't get his hopes up if you're going to disappear again."

Brooke doesn't answer.

"Come visit anytime. Not just in California. Come hang out with us here."

"Come hang out with me tonight, Brooke. Let's go out and get some drinks. We can cry together about how our boys are men now."

"I...well, okay. That sounds...nice. I think."

"Let's go, dude. We can't be late."

"I'm coming. Bye, guys. Do I need a jacket?"

"Everything's in the truck."

"Okay." With a huge smile, Logan follows James out to the truck. _Their _truck.

Tonight they become men.

XXXXXXXXXX

"So you're not going to tell me where we're going?"

"You'll know when you know."

"That's cryptic." Logan smiles and squeezes James' thigh. "So. Your mom."

"I know, right?" James looks back before changing lanes. "What was that?"

"That was her finally getting a clue. I'm just sorry it took so long."

"You really don't mind her visiting? And paying for a place?"

"No. She owes you. It'll give us time to focus on what matters."

"Making out?" James winks over at Logan.

"So predictable."

"You love me."

"Sure do. We should get married. Not now but like...once we get where we want to be in our careers."

"Okay, but I don't want to wait too long. I don't want us to be like fifty and still not married."

"Aww, we're gonna grow old together."

"Totally." James lifts Logan's hand and kisses it.

"So where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Logan leans over and rests his head on James' shoulder. "I'm surprised you didn't blindfold me."

"I want to see your face when you figure it out. But uh...thanks for the blindfold idea. Didn't know you were so kinky."

Logan laughs. "We really haven't had enough time alone to be kinky."

"Yeah, that's gonna change. Every night, Logan. Not just on weekends, not having to worry about Mom hearing us, not having to go home on Sunday night. Or any night. Can't even wait."

"Mom said you can move in now. Instead of just during the weekends. I think she wants to spend as much time with us as she can before the move. If you want to stay overnight, you can. She said we're adults now."

"I love your mom."

"Me too. So what do you think? Would your mom be okay with that?"

"I'm an adult now, right? It doesn't matter. And yes. I'll pack up some stuff tomorrow and just...move in."

Logan sighs and settles his head down on James' shoulder again. James turns the radio on low and Logan hums along to the random song. The big screens suddenly loom in the distance and Logan's head lifts up abruptly. "The drive-in? You're taking me to the drive-in?"

James bites his lip. One night after they got their licenses Logan mentioned they should go to the drive-in sometime. He said it in an offhand way, like it was no big deal, but James knew Logan well enough by then to hear it in his voice, to see it in his eyes; for whatever reason, this was important to Logan, something he really wanted.

Now James isn't so sure. What if it _was_ just an offhand comment? Here he had set up this night, planned it all out so perfectly, and what if it just fell flat? What if Logan didn't think it was all that special? "You said once we should go, and I felt bad we never did, and we're gonna move soon and..."

James glances over for a second and all his doubts vanish. Logan is looking at him with such worship and love that he relaxes immediately, knowing he did well with this.

"I can't believe you remembered that. I said it like...over a year ago."

"Almost two. And you know I don't forget things like that." A quick kiss to Logan's cheek, then James is turning into the entrance.

"Did you bring blankets?"

"Of course."

"And candy. There has to be candy."

"Relax, I got it covered."

"When? When did you do all this?"

"Mom helped me a little, got the candy and drinks for us since you never let me out of your sight."

"Oh please, who's the one that makes me walk him out to the truck every night and keeps me there for almost an hour until Mom has to call my phone to get me back into the house?"

"It's not my fault you're an animal."

"Actually, it is. It's totally your fault for being so sexy and amazing and horny all the time. What movies are we seeing?"

"The new Disney one. It's paired with an old Disney one, not sure which."

Logan practically bounces in his seat, and it's so rare to see Logan act like a kid. He's the mature, responsible one, but Disney movies always do this to him. One of the James' favorite ways to spend an evening is watching an animated movie cuddled up with Logan on the sofa with Joanna nearby. The two of them usually end up crying at the end of whatever movie it happens to be while James shakes his head and laughs at them.

"I love you, James. In case I don't say it enough, I love you."

James beams. "You don't. I need to hear it every second."

He pays for the movies and drives them in, backing into a spot. They jump out and James pulls out pillows, blankets, and a bag full of goodies. Logan helps him set up the blankets in the bed of the truck and they get settled, taking off shoes before snuggling up under the covers, Logan cuddling right up against him. James is glad they changed into comfortable clothes before coming out here; jeans and t-shirts are perfect for this.

"You sure you're okay with missing grad night, James? It's not too late to go."

James kisses Logan's hair. "Positive. Nowhere I'd rather be."

Logan lifts his head to kiss James, drawing it out until their tongues do more talking than their lips, and just as James is about to pull Logan up over him, the screen lights up. They break apart breathlessly.

"What's the plan after the movies?"

"You'll see."

"Promise me we'll be in a room alone where I can attack you."

"That I can promise. And you'd better."

Logan nods slowly, licking his lips and trying to focus on the previews flickering on the screen.

"Candy me," Logan says five minutes later.

With a huge grin, James reaches into the bag and uses his teeth to open bags of candy, since his other arm is wrapped tight around Logan. As the movie plays, James feeds Logan candy and soda, taking some for himself as well. Every few minutes he has to lean over and kiss Logan somewhere—hair, ear, forehead, nose, it doesn't matter. Each time he does, Logan scoots a little closer.

James spends most of the movie watching Logan and thinking. He still can't believe how lucky he is to have Logan in his life, this gorgeous being who lights up his every day, who tells him every day that he isn't stupid, tells him every day that he loves him. Whenever he remembers how close he came to losing this, how stupid he was to even consider moving away, he wants to kick himself. Hard. Terror seizes his heart when he thinks about it, when he imagines what his life would be like had he not gone crazy with jealousy over Kendra. He's apologized numerous times for pushing Logan to Kendra, but Logan always tells him it had to happen that way. He needed the wake-up call in order to see it, to understand what Logan was feeling and realize that it would tear them apart eventually. "I love you," he whispers now.

Logan had been smiling at something a character in the movie said, but immediately his head comes up and that smile widens for James. "I know." Logan climbs up onto James, the movie forgotten as he loses himself in those lips, in those hands running up his back, in the desperation he feels from James. "I love you, too."

In under two minutes James has that glazed look in his eyes, the one that turns Logan into an animal, and he knows he can't wait for whatever James has planned. His hands work at James' jeans and get them open, James already having trouble drawing breath. "Logan, fuck!"

Logan slides his body down under the blankets, freeing James and taking him into his mouth. He's learned a lot since that first blowjob so long ago, and knows how to take his time, knows just what James likes, knows how to get James writhing under him. He takes this slow, not in any hurry for it to be over (and certainly not wanting James to get crazy and loud).

James sighs and closes his eyes, Logan's mouth warm on him even though he's shivering in the cold air. The contrast between the two temperatures makes it even better. He pets Logan's hair as Logan's head moves, the orgasm near but not threatening just yet, and he wishes this could go on forever. Then he remembers that it will; he will have this for the rest of his life. It makes him smile through the lust, fills his chest with warmth.

Logan has become a pro at this. It's one of the few things James has taught Logan, and Logan has put in hours of practice time. _I love you, I love you so much, don't know where I would be without you, don't ever want to know, you're so perfect and I-_

James gasps as a wet finger slides up into him, and yeah, this is something they've been playing around with more and more lately. It never fails to bring on a quick orgasm, once Logan's fingers get up in there and moving it's all over for James, but this time he's going to last. He's going to draw it out because it's practice for later, for what they really want and have been wanting for a long time now. Two more fingers slide in and James starts bucking, hips thrusting up into Logan's mouth and it's so good, all of it is amazing and Logan's fingers move just right and he's sucking like a vacuum and James can't hold back anymore, he comes hard, fighting to keep it quiet while Logan swallows him down-one more thing Logan has become a pro at.

James lies in the truck with his eyes closed, trying to regain his composure, while Logan kisses his way up to James' mouth. "I love you," Logan whispers.

"I know," James answers. He hugs Logan to him, holding on tight, heart beating like a drum. "We're gonna do this for the rest of our lives."

Logan kisses him. "Hell yeah, we are. So I saw an overnight bag in the cab. Are there pajamas in there?"

"Hell no," James laughs. "We won't need clothes tonight."

"I was hoping you'd say that. Now take me somewhere and make me a man."

James laughs again. "Such an animal."

"Kinky one, too, apparently. Get your pants fixed. Want me to drive?"

"You don't even know where we're going."

"Right. Hurry up, then."

James rolls his eyes. "Animal."

XXXX

James checks them into the hotel, Logan waiting patiently with arms crossed as he looks around the lobby. This is a place he and his mother could never afford, as it would no doubt take a huge chunk of his mother's retirement fund. Logan getting a scholarship did put a lot more into that, though, since she'd been saving for years for his education.

James takes Logan's hand as they move toward the elevators.

"I would've been happy with a cheap motel. Or even the back of the truck and a deserted area of the woods."

"Ew, there are bugs in the woods. And I'd get leaves and...nature stuff in my hair."

"Am I not worth a little...nature stuff? What floor?"

"Uh...four. And yes, of course you are. But if we can do this instead, why wouldn't we?"

Logan can't argue that. He hugs James tight suddenly. "I love you."

"Aww, my little sap. I love you, too. Nervous?"

"Not really, just...ready. Impatient. Been thinking about this a lot lately."

"Yeah, I could tell. Your animal side has been insane the past month or so." James leads Logan down the hallway, searching out the room numbers as he speaks. "Totally not complaining. I love it."

He stops and Logan hitches the overnight bag higher on his shoulder. "So what all is in here?"

"Just stuff we need for a night away from home."

"Ah. Lots of hair products, no doubt. No wonder it's so heavy."

"Wow."

Logan looks around the room and repeats James' exclamation. "This isn't a room. You booked us a suite, James."

"So what if I did?"

"Yeah, but for one night? That doesn't seem very cost-effective and-"

James smiles. "How about you just...let me treat you to something nice for once?" He kisses Logan deeply, the bag dropping from Logan's shoulder as he returns the kiss with both hands on James' face.

For a while they kiss, enjoying the freedom of not having to lock a door or worry about a mom showing up suddenly.

"What time do we have to check out?"

"Eleven," James answers. He picks up the bag and pulls Logan down a short hallway, ignoring the sitting room and kitchen they pass along the way. "Ah, here we go. Master bed."

Logan's heart thumps a little faster. He watches James take off his jacket and unpack some toiletries in the adjoining bathroom, but he's frozen place, arms crossed over his chest.

"Dude. You _are_ nervous."

"No, I'm just...I don't know. Feeling weird things."

"What sort of weird things?"

"I don't know. A good kind, I think."

"Come on, talk to me. You're always telling me to talk, now it's your turn."

Arms wrap around Logan and he sinks into the warm, strong body holding him up. "I don't know, though. I feel..."

"Scared? Happy? Horny?"

Logan laughs. "Yeah, definitely some of that, but...I feel...right."

"Right?"

And now James' lips have found his neck and Logan's body wakes up. "Mmm. Definitely horny."

James laughs. "And right. Right is good."

"Like...all day I've been thinking about us. About how we started, all those years ago, just looking at each other and studying each other and wanting to know each other but...why didn't we?"

"Because we're idiots."

"Okay, but...look at us now. We talked about getting married earlier. And it just came out, so natural, and it's something we know is going to happen. Think about that, how far we've come."

"I do. I think about it all the time. About how I almost walked away from you."

Logan shivers. "Stop that. Don't ever talk about that again."

"I know what you mean. Sometimes when you're kissing me, I think I might be dreaming. I have to pinch you to make sure you're real."

"Is that why you do that? I thought you were just...you know. That it was a kink."

"No, that's _your_ kink. Because you really seem to like it when I do it."

"I also love it when you bite me."

"Mmm, I know. Always gets you attacking me."

"So bite me, James."

James licks his lips and Logan smiles. He knows how to get to James.

"There's no...hurry. We have all night."

"Then let's not waste it." Logan shoves James down onto the bed and straddles him, pushing him back to lay over him and kissing him. James peels Logan's jacket off as they kiss, letting it fall to the floor.

"We need the bag," James whispers between kisses, already breathless. "Let me get ready before you kill my brain."

"What's there to do? Just fuck me."

"Oh my God, Logan. Fuck!" James pushes him off and sits up, hand shaking a little as he rubs his face. "Okay. Okay, we need to...damn, I can't think. Say that again."

Logan climbs onto James' hips again. "Fuck me, James."

He's about to hyperventilate. Logan is proud, still loves it when he causes James to lose control. He whispers into James' ear. "Hard."

"Ohhhhh God! Stop! You want this to happen, right? Don't make me come before I even get inside you."

That shuts Logan up because suddenly his own breath is coming fast. "I...yeah. Okay, go get what we need." He moves off James, who scoots off the bed. "What do we need?"

"I don't want to hurt you, so I did some studying. Figured out the best way to do this."

Logan melts, though he's amused. "I love how when it comes to sex, you study."

"Of course. Anything for my pookie."

"Ha, right. Anything except studying economics or English or-"

"Hey, I graduated!"

"You did. And James? I could not be more proud of you."

Now it's James' turn to melt. "I know." He returns to the bed with a few bottles and a towel.

"So this is basically lubrication?"

"Pretty much, yeah. But you have choices."

"Oh, cherry-flavored? Why does flavor matter?"

"Because I know how much you love to suck my dick, animal."

Logan busts up laughing. "True, but I like the natural taste, too. It's...you."

Thinking face is back. Logan doesn't see thinking face often anymore, and it scares him a little bit. "What are you thinking? Talk to me."

"How much I fucking love you. How right now I'm about to freak out, totally explode with it, because it can't be possible to feel so much at once and not die from it."

"Oh, it is. I promise." Logan kisses James and James responds with such intensity that Logan suddenly knows exactly what James means. How is it possible to love someone so much, to feel it in your chest and your entire being, even? No wonder James wanted to run, it's terrifying. But it's amazing. It's everything Logan always wanted but never thought he would have. "Love you, love you so much."

James pulls at his clothes and Logan helps; they get rid of everything until they're naked and hands are running everywhere and neither is aware of anything but each other, this moment. Logan reaches out blindly for the nearest bottle he can reach. "Hurry," he begs, pressing it into James' hand.

James flips the cap open with a thumb. "Move up there. Lay on the pillows."

"On my back?"

"Yes."

Logan follows orders, letting James take charge. James presses Logan's knees back and drizzles the lube over him, expression focused and determined. It's so rare to see that in James and it always turns Logan on, watching him focus so intently on a job. Then a thought occurs to him and he giggles.

"What? Tickle?"

"No. You totally watched porn to prepare for this, didn't you?"

James' cheeks flush but he counters with, "Oh, like you haven't? Where do you think I found the free sites? Your browsing history is quite entertaining."

Now Logan's face turns red. "Well, what do you expect? You make out with me in the truck every night, practically make me come right there in my driveway, and then you just leave?"

"I never want to!"

"I know, but damn! You go home and I go to my room and...finish the job."

"You need porn for that?"

"No, the porn is recent. Because I wanted to do this and I like to know what to expect. Dying for this, James, will you hurry?"

"I don't know, I kinda like you desperate and begging."

Logan sits up enough to reach James and stroke him. James' breath catches. "Okay, okay. Hurrying now."

James coats his fingers and then slides them into Logan, Logan moaning because he's loved this from the first time James did it. It's smoother with the lube and he imagines what James will feel like inside him, thicker and throbbing and- "James, will you just fuck me already? I'm ready, okay?"

"Damn, dude!" James can't help but laugh as he shakes his head. "I love you."

"I know. Just a little impatient here. Two years of teasing, just do this already."

"Shhh. I'm right here, this is gonna happen." He slicks himself slowly with the lube, groaning now because it feels so good and yeah, he's been wanting this just as badly as Logan. "I love you," he says again, getting Logan into position. "So much more than you can ever imagine."

Logan shakes his head. "I can imagine. Trust me." He gasps because James is suddenly there, no hesitation, no "Is this okay? Does it hurt?" James is buried in him and his body is stretching and spasming around it and Logan can barely breathe.

James leans down to kiss Logan softly. "Breathe, love."

"I'm okay. Fine. No, better than fine. Wow."

"Not too bad?"

"I think you should...yeah. Move. Like now."

"Just let me know if-"

"Move, James!"

"Fuck, I love you." James starts to move, and as much as he loves Logan's blowjobs, they're nothing like this, nothing like being gripped so tight as he moves in and out and he is soooo not going to last. He's about to ask if Logan's good, if this is still okay, but then Logan starts moaning in a way James has never heard and it's loud and it's sexy and the look on his face and "Oh my God, oh my God I love you oh my God Logan Logan-"

Logan grabs himself and strokes fast, and he can't breathe, it seems like he can never breathe when James touches him, but he would happily die just like this, with James kissing him and fucking him and "James!" He comes suddenly, groaning into James' mouth, and James finally lets go, and there's nothing like this. Nothing could ever be this good, this amazing, this perfect.

Except it gets better when James whispers, "The rest of our lives, Logan. This. For the rest of our lives."

Logan holds James tight to him, the words sounding like every dream he's ever had come true. "I changed my mind."

"About what? You don't want to marry me?"

"Of course I do. But I'm going with you next week. To California. We don't need to practice being apart."

James smiles, relieved beyond belief. "Or you're just an animal who liked this so much you can't live without it for three days."

"That, too. Yeah, definitely that. When is it my turn?"

James laughs. "Soon, my little tiger. Soon. Let me rest for a minute." He settles back against the pillows and pulls Logan to him, Logan snuggling up with a sigh. After a minute James starts to hum the tune he chooses whenever he's feeling overwhelmed with love, and Logan sings along softly.

"_...because I'm the permanent one..." _

XXX


End file.
